Blue Eyes

(I wrote this during a group writing exercise where we submitted secrets and then chose one that was not ours. The secret I chose was this: I am not sure who the father of my baby is, and I'm afraid that if my husband finds out about the affair, he'll ask for a paternity test. I don't know what we would do if he left us.)

Blue eyes,
Not brown like mine.
That dimple in her cheek that looks just like…
No.
The catch in my breath
when she turns suddenly,
her lopsided smile flashing a glimpse
of lips curled
around mine
that one night
that wasn’t ever, ever supposed to happen.
How could it have happened?

It must not have been me that day,
clothed in black
silk
panties
underneath a housewife’s dress;
one button neatly replaced
just slightly off center.
It must not have been me,
Legs smooth,
sexy,
heart thrumming; giddy,
walking in that door
through music pumping rhythms
primal, raw…
My…God…I…Feel…Again.

It could not have been me that day,
Not the me who loves that man
I slipped the ring
on
for.
Not the me who sneaks
love notes
in the secret compartment
tucked in his rusty pickup truck
while he kisses
the children
goodnight.
It could not have been me,
not even though I sometimes
wondered
in the stillness of the night…
“Is this all there is?”

And yet
There was that second line…
The one that said,
You can never, ever, forget what you did.
He thought the tears
running down my cheeks,
were only because I was so happy.
My heart pounded
with the lies
and I smiled
and said, “Isn’t it great?”
every second spent calculating
over and over again
how many days ago did it happen?
Oh please, God, no.

And though most days
I take that piece of my reality
and shove it to the closet in my heart
that carries my deepest devastations,
there are the days
where she looks at me that certain way…
and I can think of nothing else.

How many years,
I wonder,
can I keep it silent?
Will I murmur it in my sleep
twenty years from now
when the only thing that matters
is the fact that he never found out?
How many years must pass
before he wouldn’t leave
even
if
it slips?

And so the night that meant nothing,
The night that simply told me
that the life I thought I didn’t need
was everything I wanted,
now haunts me in my dreams…
And in my daughter’s eyes.
Blue eyes,
Not brown like his.