Sugar News: Mission Difficult-But-Not-Impossible

Agent, your internet is down!

The entire community of Gather is depending on you to bring them the latest in Entertainment News, at least, the stuff they haven't heard already from the 50,000 other Entertainment News Hounds out there!

 Agent, you have two choices! You can let down your beloved Gatherites, never to regain their trust, or you can figure out a way... any way... to bring them their sugar...

You pace around your apartment, hair-pulling and teeth-gnashing. Who, if not you, will tell Gatherites that the Spice Girls are planning a reunion tour, at least, once they all finish popping out babies. Who besides you can tell Gatherites that Baby Spice's new baby was just christened "Bluebell Madonna"? Who, indeed.

 Eureka! you think. Your next-door neighbor must have internet service! But how to get next door?

You could find a drain pipe that goes horizontal and shimmy across it.

You could find a drainpipe that goes vertical, shimmy one flight up, walk a bit on the fire escape, and then shimmy back down again, on another conveniently-located vertical drainpipe. Or maybe you could attach flexible suction cups to your hands and feet, crawl out of your window, and Tobey MacGuire it up across the brick wall on the outside of your building. That way, Gather is sure to hear that "Spider Man 3," widely considered to be a crappy-ass movie that no one actually recommends seeing, is still on its way to top "Titanic" at the top of the list of Highest Grossing Movies Of All Time. Gather has got to hear about that one!

Or, you could just use the keys your neighbor gave you so you can watch her cat, and get in that way.

Boring! But Gather needs its Sugar News!

You slip in and check your neighbor's clock, which, conveniently, ticks and tocks very loudly, in its best imitation of the "Jaws" theme-song. Your next-door neighbor is set to come home in 56 minutes. Will that be enough time to mourn alongside the rest of your Gather friends about the career of Steve Martin, becoming all the more blemished as he agrees to star in "Pink Panther 2," the no-doubt offensive sequel to the abominable remake of the once-great Peter Sellers vehicle? Will you have time to alert the troops that this travesty is set to be directed by none other than auteur Harold Zwart, the genius behind appendicitis-inducers like "Agent Cody Banks"?

Your neighbor's cat growls as you approach the computer in the living room... furious at this encroachment upon her territory. She digs her claws into your forearm, thus barely enabling you to type out the fact that another beloved cinematic detective, "Fletch", is slated to be violated and pillaged in Sequel-Remake Land. The Chevy Chase character, no Peter Sellers, but cute in that "lovable jerk who does good pratfalls" way, is now set to be played by Joshua Jackson. You remember Josh Jackson, right? Bella the cat's claws dig deeper into your flesh. I remember him, Bella hisses in your ear. He was the doofish but cute in that "saucy avec baby-fat" way one on that teen angst melodrama "Dawson's Creek." And then--the cat will not release your flesh--he made headlines by assaulting a security guard during a hockey game in Raleigh, North Carolina. What is Hollywood coming to?

"I don't know, Bella! Just give me back my arm so I can give keep dishing the entertainment news!"

You return to the news at hand--or in this case--the news at slightly-bloody hand. Isaiah Washington, the handsome doctor from "Grey's Anatomy", is being fired--possibly for his homophobia. Apparently the actor has used offensive slurs to describe homosexuals on a few occasions too many, and the Disney-owned production company behind "Grey's" is not going to take it anymore. Some members of the NAACP are crying racism, while gay activists are saying that, as in the Imus scandal, an apology is not always enough. Costumer Bryan Birge offers another theory: Washington may just be a jerk. Apparently, the actor blew up at the costumer when Birge asked Washington to take a magazine out of his pocket before a shoot. "It was bizarre," Birge said. "That guy is less than easy to be around." Homophobic and jerky to boot? Who cares how handsome he is? Fleyshie says: Fire away!

All this talk of television has you thinking about your Anti-Sopranos Spoiler Protection Helmet(tm), which you've been wearing since last Sunday night, when the series you used to love, and have grown to yawn and sigh over, came to its end. You don't care that much what happened because from all half-heard accounts, it sounds ridiculously anti-climactic anyway, but still, you'd like to be at least a little surprised when you finally get around to watching it. The helmet has protected you in good stead, although you suffer occasional interference from your Anti-Paris Shielding Device(tm), which has been lately working double-hard to keep all Paris Hilton gossip away from your field of vision. To keep your Gather friends as blissfully unaware as they can be about Paris Hilton, however, there are no lengths to which you will not go.

14 minutes til The Neighbor walks in and catches you using her internet!

You'll never finish your news column, the cat hisses from the corner. Curtains for you. And while we're on the subject, who gives a hoot if Anne Heche might be gay again? The former girlfriend of Ellen DeGeneres, fresh from divorcing a cameraman, has been seen out and about being very cuddly with girls of the female persuasion... but is that really news? Is any of this trifle you spoon out news? Why are you risking getting caught in an apartment that isn't yours for THIS?

Bella the cat makes an excellent point.

You re-attach your flexible suction cups and prepare to go back home.

Your Anti-Paris Shield begins to vibrate. Possibly her parents are skipping the line to visit her in prison, but you have other things to worry about. Like if that horizontal drainpipe is going to hold your weight, again...