Before I start, let me give you some insight to the type of family we are.
I am a single mother, divorced, with 3 teens. My oldest just graduated high school, is 18, and she will be starting college in the fall. My other 2, twins, are 15 and going into 10th grade this coming fall. The twins are boy/girl.
I homeschooled my kids until high school, at which time I felt that it would be more beneficial for them to attend a regular school. It's my own preference and I don't judge those that feel they can and will teach throughout the high school years.
We've always been a happy family and while I know most parents think so... my kids really are generally good kids. I've had very few problems with them through the years and we've tackled issues that most people never have to face - including me being diagnosed with MS and battling cancer 3x.
NOW.... that being said... you have a general idea of how my family is. We are all in all a pretty happy go lucky group. Oddly enough, even my oldest's entry into high school didn't seem to produce the usual turmoil that most parents of teens seem to face and for that I was quite happy. I guess all good things must come to an end though! LOL
My biggest issue right now is tackling the idea that my oldest, 18, has decided she will smoke. Now we have zero smoking in our house and around our family. We've actually been very ANTI smoking if you had to pick a position for us so this came as a total shock to me. She claims "it calms her down" and this is why she decided to do it. I think she's only been doing it for a few months and most all of her friends (whom are all pretty good kids themselves) do it, so I would guess that it's a combination of "being like them" and her own idea that it truly does make her "calmer". She's been stressed with the oncoming of college and graduating, etc. and yes stressed. She even dealt with the loss of a friend who committed suicide on December 24th this year, the year she would have graduated. I took her to counseling and it helped her a lot but she is not one to "talk"... much like her mother.. and keeps things to herself. She won't cry on others shoulders, bogging down her friends with her own misery and while I know it's not always a great way to look at life it's how I basically am so I can't really say much.
My question is this, when I found out I acted like I sort of suspected it anyways... which is a half lie. I saw some butts in the bowls upstairs in her and her sisters' room and some empty packs of cigs but her friends also go up there so I assumed they allowed them to smoke. That alone kind of boggled my mind because we all detest the smell of smoke but I figured sometimes we will allow friends to do things that normally we ourselves don't really find too keen.
So I acted like I pretty much knew and made the comment to her that there's nothing I can do anyways but she knows she's basically an idiot for doing it. After our own battles with cancer together I thought the last thing I would ever worry about with my kids was something like smoking that is a proven culprit for lung cancer.
What do I do? What do I say? Should I talk to her longer and deeper about the subject? Her exact comment to me of WHY she does it was "My nerves are more calm now that I'm smoking". I guess that's a valid excuse in some sorts because the nicotine does have that effect but this really upsets me a lot. I haven't let her know how much and haven't really sat her down at all to talk about it because to be honest I'm so ticked off that I don't want to lose control or get angry. She KNOWS better, she's a medical student and KNOWS the effects of smoke on the body and lungs.
Please offer some advice. I'm open to listening to everyone and everything you can say. I need to find an answer as to how to handle this and hopefully get her to wake up.




Comments: 9
Nobody ever quits smoking by being nagged. Nobody ever sucessfully quits smoking unless they, personally, make a conscious and deliberate decision to quit. She's 18 years old. She is an adult. You can't live her life FOR her. Hard as it is on you, she is going to have to make her own mistakes.
As did we all.
We are also an anti-smoking house. I'm deathly allergic. One lit cigarette lands me in the hospital. It was clear to our girls that if they smoke they can't visit me because the residue on clothes puts me into respiratory distress.
It sounds like your daughter is having a tough time and you have the right to live in a house free of smoke especially with your health issues. Maybe you can have a loving talk with her and explain you love her and it is out of love that you chose to tell her your concerns. Also, I would suggest you tell her that there will be absolutely NO Smoking in your house. That's part of being an adult and respecting other people's property.
I had one of these loving conversations with one of my daughters on a different subject. I thought she blew me off as I spoke through tears. Less than one month later the issue was resolved.
So I guess ask for help in speaking through love and not hurt and anger so your daughter will feel that love.
I wish you the best.
Please do keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I'm truly distressed over this and I keep telling myself not to get so upset but my heart actually aches!
Well first of all nicotine is more addictive than heroin. I would suggest that it more than likely started as peer pressure. Speaking from experience, my son started smoking because I was a smoker when he was a young boy. I never smoked around him though and always went outside to smoke. My dad was an M.D. and smoked until I was 18 when he suddenly realized that he couldn't be an effective physician if he was puffing away on something that was slowly killing him so he did the cold turkey method and I was very impressed. I finally stopped last December 1. I am nutritional counselor / nutritional healer so for me to be smoking was also unwise. How could I give counsel to my clients and be a smoker. My son will eventually quit since he has so far been following in my foot steps as far as the music business is concerned. I am also a performing rock'n'roll musician. In my not so humble opinion you cannot really make your point by hammering it home regularly. I would suggest that you use a subtle approach and be gentle about suggesting that she stop. I think that the love approach is always the most effective one. :-)
"MagicDave"
My mom has quit, but my dad and brother still smoke. With the stresses my brother has been through, I really can't say as I blame the man one bit...
The one thing you can't do is push her. You can lay down the rules of your home (no smoking in this house, etc...) but ultimately, like it has already been said, she has to be the one to quit. You can't quit for her.
Thoughts and prayers going your way, and hers... :-)
I agree that I cannot live her life for her and it's not a matter of being in charge. I love her new found wings, although sometimes they can be scary to watch as they jump from the nest. My issue is more one of health concerns considering how much we've gone through as a family with cancer.
My heart aches for you.