Husbands~A different kind of animal

Try living with FOUR men! I refuse to be the servant. So sometimes it gets a little raunchy around here......when the husband actually remarks on it, then I ask for his help......and enforcing the boys' help.

Jill..... it happens to us all sometimes. There are different things you can do, from just not doing anything and see how long it takes to drive him crazy, (but sometimes it makes YOU crazier than him) or you can just not do something he asks you to do, but it all comes down to what you want to live with. Maybe ask him what he will help you with, because you cannot do it all. And you really shouldn't beat yourself up trying to.

To me, marriage is a 50/50 relationship, sometimes one gives less, sometimes the other does, but it more than evens out. I can't even imagine putting up with all of what you are. Maybe when you have a few more comments - have him read it?

Your other choice, and it might or might not wake him up as to all that you do, is to stop doing it all. All of it. Wouldn't he notice just how much you do if none of it was done?
Good luck,
Marilyn

No, I am married (37 years) to the same kind of guy. He can run off to help a friend, but if I don't do things around here he pisses and moans about it and makes snide remarks. I used to clean house better than I do now, but I just gave up. He thinks everyone else is a pig, and doesn't see the piggy things HE does. I am not a servant either, and I refuse to be the maid. There are days I wish there was a colony for women like me. I am to the point where it would be preferable to live alone rather than put up with his slovenly ways. I, of course, am perfect. LOL

Hehe, I did the laundry today, and I've been the one picking up the trash for the past few days...

Solution? Next time, offer to swap him chores! Tell him you'll gladly vacuum and he can clean the piss for a change! lol

Actually, I'm very lucky! Josh is a cleaning machine! Cleans circles around me and makes me feel about an inch tall! I just let him have it! lol

Aus did the laundry while I was out shopping today.

When I called and told him what I wanted to wear to New York tomorrow, he even went and found it, and made sure it was the outfit I wanted before adding it to the second load.

My hubby rocks.

I was blessed with a Hubby who actually enjoys helping around the house espcially in the kitchen.

I would love to just quit doing everything...but it wouldn't help. He's the type of guy that wears his undies twice before washing them (YUCK!) and could live in a 3 foot pile of dust for years and it wouldn't phase him. But, my son and I have bad allergies, so I have to keep things clean to avoid aggrevating our allergies. We even have to use all natural soaps and cleaners because we're allergic to pretty much everything else.

Jill -- you painted the picture of my husband to a T.

His parents were coming, and the house needed to be cleaned. I got him to clean the bathroom...took him 3 days (a total of over 8) hours and he never touched the shower or toilet. I still ended up doing part of it. My bathroom isn't THAT big.

Webduck == I know the feeling. He complains about the house, but he refuses to help. I know I'm not the one that pees on the toilet rim...

Jill == we could be sisters...that is me also...son and I both have allergies.

Laura...I'm jealous! That's so thoughtful of him!
Aus....you're so good to Laura!
Krissy...that's funny! He'd probably say "What piss?" I think he's either blind, or he just doesn't think it's gross.

I blame his mother. She never made her kids do any kind of chores..they never even had to clean their rooms. His room had dust like a foot thick, even on the carpet when I met him...totally gross!

I have a wonderful husband 99% of the time. He does laundry, cooks, cleans, throws out trash daily, etc. I only ask him to throw out the trash on a daily basis, everything else he does for me, for US is icing on the cake. I even got a dozen roses yesterday just because!! I am very, very lucky to have him and him to have me...

The way to a mans heart they say is thru his stomach... Is that right? Does he like raw meat...
My wife gets the broom after me...

Mary . . . still the perpetual optimist . . .? Just kidding. Really.

You're describing the dilemma faced by so many women in this country--if not the world over. Many men still hold to the outdated Leave it to Beaver image of how the household should run. Men earn the money; women take care of the home--except for the manly part: garbage and yard work.

The reality is that almost every woman who works still comes home to a husband (and family) that expects her to take care of the household. Completely. Yes, there are exceptions. Yes, some husbands "do their parts" but those parts rarely equal the load carried by their equally hard working wives. Cooking dinner once a week or mowing the yard on Saturday are hardly equal to the daily tasks that most women endure.

It takes a line in the sand. A "Sweetheart, this is as far as I'm willing to go--and no further!" moment where the wife puts her foot down and demands the husband TRULY carry his own weight. It is a necessity. The sad truth is that most husbands do not realize just how "good" they have it--or they'd never complain. It is also true that they should never have it so "good" in the first place--and have not earned it anyway!

Does bringing home money--more money--or simply being "the man"--truly exempt one from maintaining the household? Many men, I think, would say "no"--but their actions tend to speak louder than their words. They haven't thought it through. They're stuck in the past, wanting the "little lady" to take care of them--even is she is already working outside the home just as vigorously (and usually for less pay) than they are.

I could rant forever on this matter and am not sure all I've said above is clear. I'm a big honkin' feminist (have been for most of my life); it's one of the reasons all of the rednecks I grew up with assumed I was gay--but I digress . . . that's another rant.

I'll bet your husband is not lazy. He's probably just stubborn. He figures (even if he doesn't want to admit it--hell, even if it's not conscious . . .) that if he fusses and complains and rolls his eyes, etc. that you'll stop hounding him. It's going to come down to a matter of just how much he loves you--and this is no joke here--when you draw the line in the sand--and (in my opinion) you must draw it. I don't care if you work only at home. Are you truly expected to have a job from sun-up to sun-down and only he gets guaranteed leisure time because he works outside the home?

That's actually what I believe it boils down to: the prevailing belief that whichever spouse brings home the most money deserves the most rest--how hard a spouse works is irrelevant. I have experience here. My wife makes more $$ and I work from home as a freelance writer. I, too, had to draw a line in the sand . . . but, again, I digress into yet another rant.

Explore and explain your feelings on the matter. Think out your position. Stand your ground. If you let this stew it can eventually be a deal-breaker. I know, you're probably just venting a little steam and don't see the matter as all that serious. But it can be and very likely will be . . . if you give it enough time.

In the end, do what is best for you. I suspect this will also be what is best for your marriage. After all, you both need to be happy.

Okay. Rant done. That's what I get for reading posts so late at night . . .

I agree, and I am watching this quickly become a problem between my son and daughter in law. I didn't raise my son to treat his wife that way. It was one thing for the kids to do housework, and cook, they still had plenty of free time, I saw to that. Now, he wants his wife tied to the house, and yet, he has the freedom to have his day off since he works. I don't know what the balance of time is, but when she is putting in as much time working as he is, then she deserves as much time off too. He isn't taking it too well that mom is backing his wife either.

This is getting interesting... I need some popcorn...

It's even true about long term boyfriends.
I asked my last boyfriend to take over doing the dishes.
After explaining that I bought the food (paying for all of it myself), prepared the food, brought the food to the table and cleared the table, the least he could do was the dishes.
His mother had him totally spoiled.
He used a wheelchair to get around, but could make it to the sink!
Next time, don't ask - tell - time to vacuum, it's not a choice.

I hate men of today..or should I say men that I hook up with!...my father never expected my mother to be any slave, he cleaned, cooked, did yard work and anything else that was needed. ..and he worked- my mother stayed home and raised us- infact-when I was 16 he had the biggest fit..my mother got a job!! What would the neighbors say!!

When my mother had a heart attack in 1981, he did everything plus- he drove my mother crazy- would not let her lift a finger!!

Now, my husband- is a very inconsiderate person...need I say more.

If I ever became single again...I would stay that way.

Jill, I don't know of too many husbands that will help with the housework very often. During the winter, I'm lucky if I get help with the dishes once a week. In the summertime, he hides outside to avoid doing them.

Jill V- a typical domestic problem, consider it a tale of life's romance...

It must be a man thing.

Your very lucky to have a good husband...

Not like me I am living in a fantasy world, with my my minds of full of fancy... but I somehow I must to reconcile myself with the fantasy...

I have many soul mates from town of Pasig, they live like nuns... and they imprisoned me because of an affection that I was then giving to my town of Pasig.. and they are just returning the favor. They gave me something when I was at the weakest like(Superman II - having lost his power), they were following me in the City of Metro Manila Pasig(Metropolis) from days to nights, it helped me a lot. To make my thoughts came to sense even though I was doing things seemed to be senseless... I don't know what they believe so much in me that when I found out they were in the Chatroom central of Yahoo... they believe a lot of things they recently knew about me even though I was kidding when I said, ''I am Superman or sort''... This because they loved me simply before that and for that I love them they were/are some or my jailor when it comes to my lovelife this lifetime I guess... and I don't know who are the others...

They are like the Ms. Universe and they want it to be...

I called them the Pleiades... they are quite as beautiful or same in beauty with Brooke Shields... and their affections becomes my armours. For how can one cannot love a female when they love a man so much... I made a lot of thinking for I am a Born Again Christian though I have many unbelievable confrontations yet I succeeded... I am saying things because it's about TAG TEAM and its magik...

Like for myself they may never know what they did to me, they awaken something...
and it was a great help in my new endeavours... for they share with me the same space, and not getting married same as I... AND they beleive me when I say.... NEXT LIFE...

Jill you have to make some adjustments you have a delicate household and you have to go to church a lot with your family to consider the BEAUTY OF YOUR TIME...

Just my suggestion and advise as a friend from an another perspective...

So that's why nothing gets done around my place...I'm single. If I had a husband, I'd at least have someone to blame for things not getting done. But then, since I don't have one, who the hell cares if nothing gets done around the house. I don't pee on the toilet seat, so it has to be company that has bad aim.

Just to make you laugh a lot...

I was married to a man, who, among other things, left his trash wherever he last touched it. Putting trash cans in those areas didn't help, because if he was four extra inches from the trash can, it would literally end up BESIDE it, because of the required effort of bending over to reach to be able to drop it IN the trash can. I am the parent that taught the boys to ride dirt bike, throw a foot ball, hit a baseball, etc....

So, yes. I can relate.

I have gone on strike before and made the men do ALL the work before. It shows them exactly what you have to do each and every day.

We just had this disagreement Sunday. We NEEDED to clean but most of our time has been spent working in the yard lately for our wedding reception this Saturday. So, we had some time on Sunday and I said we could use it to clean. My husband freaked out a little bit. He was thinking that he would just lay around because we had been working so hard on the yard and so busy lately that he was looking forward to doing nothing. I reminded him that EVERYTHING had to be done by Wednesday and he wasn't going to want to do it after work... He got all pissy and moaned about having to clean. But he knew that I was right. So, he stopped talking to me until the cleaning was done. Then he calmed down. : ) You're not alone.

Well, I am married for 36 years to my love and best friend. He doesn't do those things because I nag him. I nag him with love, hugs, and kisses until the job is done. Try this proper nagging is an art. If you ask him to do something, and he says "NO." Jump in his lap and start kissing him and his only release from you is doing what you ask. It works for me. MY husband has never told me, NO. If he can't do something, I find out why and help him. We always work together. Sometimes he won't let me do the hard work, but I'll do it when he's gone. I want to help him and he wants to help me. I don't know any other way. If the kissing scenario doesn't work, try marriage counseling or a serious strike whereby you do nothing.

I think men see "work" as what you do to someone else's schedule, and housework as something you do when it needs doing. Trouble is, their idea of "needs doing" doesn't take into account the consequences of "not doing", since they rarely experience those consequences for themselves.

What if you did research on the average hourly rate for maid service. Present it to him and say you want that much of his paycheck in a private account in your name--it's your hourly rate and the dollar value of of your share in the combined income. He can either give it to you or to a Merry Maid. Maybe that would wake him up.

actually I married a guy that is more than a little OCD...although the one thing he won't clean is the bathroom so I'm still stuck with that. Fortunately though I have a teen age son who has bathroom clean up on his list of "things to do to get my allowance"...I keep the kitchen and floors clean and hubby does the laundry...the rest falls to whoever sees the mess first....LOL

At my weakest - It was 8 - 7 yrs. ago the I broke my back you know from ''liftingweights'' and I was without a face... for I suffered lockjaw(which is the sickness of greatmen as the Egyptians oracles somehow explained)... in two days I was then roaming the outskirts of the City of Metro Manila, I went from its West to South, near the shore and alone in the open field at the dark... I was in a deep oblivion... I was contemplating about life and a revelation...


I wanted to shout and call God up above... for I was very weak and with these insurmountable ordeal... but I could not I chose to be my silence... but somehow in a middle of it all I found the greatest of challenge... and they were/are all there somehow supporting me...

I felt back then like Job and Jesus Christ in Gethsemene and the wilderness, having that tough time knowing the answers and knowldge...
and somehow I managed to recognize the structure of my would be labors...

or challenge... or war... it is something about the armageddon... it is hard to explain... and through it all....

HEY!!!! AND I AM JUST KIDDING....

hhhahahhak... hhhahahhak...hhhahahhak...


GO TO CHURCH...

It was my refuge in all my doubts and fears...

I'd rather do it myself and know that it is done right. I just ask that he clean up his own messes.

Just stop doing some stuff. My mom finally stopped doing laundry one day when I was in hs. Then she stopped cooking on days she worked late. So my brother and I learned to do those things for ourselves. My dad now does all his own laundry and has gotten good about cleaning up dishes and what not. My mom stopped running the dishwaher, cleaned her own plate and utensils and used them every night. When the plates ran out, my dad got the point. I think my mom also builds littel rewards in to chores. Let's go to X place...as soon as Y chores are done. Then my dad knows he'll have more time to spend there if he helps.

sounds like y'all need to be on dr phil.

OMG....welll It's nice to see that my husband isn't the only lazy man around...but also a bit scary! Miles...Thanks for the advice. I agree with how you said it completely!

Carolanne, honey...can I slap your hubby for you? OMG! The principal of the matter?? I would tell him to shove it up his you know where!

You are not the only one with a husband like that! Most times my husband will help me if I ask him. But there are times when I would like to STRANGLE him!

I always do half of the domestic work. I am a complete 50/50 dad.

Uh.

I'm so glad my wife isn't registered on Gather.

Uh, are you honey?

you are responsible for setting your boundaries and teaching him what is acceptable. If you continue to do it all, he has no reasonable expectation that you won't continue. The only thing he might endure is some nagging. You need to either sit down and work it out with him or just try some behavior modification.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband problems. I have my own although my husband is usually pretty good about helping me out around the house or atleast thanking me for all I do.

I happen to be one of the lucky ones. My husband does clean around the house even without asking.