by William Dotani
Member since:
October 27, 2006

Another Arrow

June 06, 2007 02:03 PM EDT
views: 54 | comments: 34

 This poem is a result of what I have seen in my neighborhood today.

 

Another Arrow

The bright sun greeted my morning
With a wink and warming smile
I could smell the roasting coffee
As songbirds sang like a sweet child

I got a cup, but kept my movements
As quiet as I could be
Not wanting to disturb silence
In this quiet morning's peace

Just then like nightmares flooding
Through open windows and every seam
Like agony of someone screaming
My neighbor cutting down his old oak tree

I sat down and felt deep in sorrow
Majestic branches touch sky no more
As a child I had collected acorns
But now this tree was ripped and torn

Another arrow of my past has left me
Who will remember or mark this empty grave
Will birds gather and sing a sad song
This quiet morning painted the sky gray

 

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Comments: 34

Michelle M. Jun 6, 2007, 2:11pm EDT
That is a very touching poem William.
Wilma M. Jun 6, 2007, 2:19pm EDT
I have read this aloud twice so that I can get the feeling/sense of how the words flow.

I'm always sorry to see old trees sacrificed. In our city, a few weeks ago, the city crews chopped down a bunch of beautiful old trees in the interests supposedly of straightening the road.
It's Not Me w. Jun 6, 2007, 2:21pm EDT
It's lovely, William.
Sheila Deeth Jun 6, 2007, 2:33pm EDT
Lovely poem Bill, and sad. Now I'm trying to think "prosody" as I read. The start of the second stanza seemed odd, but I think it was the cup separated by songbirds from the coffee, so probably just me needing to go pour myself a cup (and walk the dog).
William Dotani Jun 6, 2007, 3:15pm EDT
Sheila, Thank you. These are the types of comments I need to help me understand weak areas in my poems.
Jennifer R. Jun 6, 2007, 3:17pm EDT
I honestly have not read much poetry but I liked the tone and the meaning. Too bad about the tree.
Debra H. Jun 6, 2007, 4:03pm EDT
Very touching and sad.
samantha b. Jun 6, 2007, 6:35pm EDT
This poem is very well written but it made me sad!
Ray Lanfear Jun 6, 2007, 6:54pm EDT
Poems, our not my cup of tea, but it sounded good.
William, if this sight met my gaze I'd be grabbing for a huge mug of strong black coffee.

The line: As songbirds sang like a sweet child achieves onomatopoeia but it stumbles in its rhythm. How about: While songbirds sang as a sweet child?

I only mention this because of what you said to Sheila.
julian 'blighted karma' three Jun 6, 2007, 8:39pm EDT
Exquisite; profoundly sad yet totally engages the reader. Masterfully done.
Lisa J Jun 6, 2007, 9:03pm EDT
If I read you enough, maybe one day I will know.
Elsie Duggan Jun 6, 2007, 10:16pm EDT
Another wonderful poem William, I hate to see the old trees chopped down, or any tree for that matter, they take so long to get to be a tree and then like man, disappear in a flash by nature or by man. This is very good William, from one would be poet to one that is.
Wilma M. Jun 7, 2007, 12:05am EDT
As I have said numerous times, I am not a poet, but I like the 4th line better when the word 'sweet' is omitted. Seems to flow more smoothly.
doria c. Jun 7, 2007, 12:35am EDT
Acknowledgement of the morning happenings says a lot about you.
I love it. The house I grew up in had a huge old oak tree out in front as well, that after we all no longer lived there, got cut down. Reminded me instantly of that. Your poetry seems to do that a lot, William, and this is featured in Poets, New and Old with thanks for posting it to the group.
Marilyn
William Dotani Jun 7, 2007, 2:24am EDT
Magi, Thank you. I want to hear my mistakes,
Wilma, Not sure I agree with you, but will consider your words when I do a final edit.
ELLEN B. Jun 7, 2007, 5:59am EDT
Painful is change when it takes part of one's heart. Very beautiful! Ellen B.
Maria G. Jun 7, 2007, 8:47am EDT
I loved the 3rd stanza, very expressive
A beautiful, sad poem
Jared G. Jun 7, 2007, 10:04am EDT
DB10 for today.
Wilma M. Jun 7, 2007, 3:13pm EDT
Hey, it's your poem; you can put in whatever word you want. Just stop inciting my grandson to put me in a paddy wagon!
judith t. Jun 23, 2007, 1:16pm EDT
Do people not realize the grandeur, history, and reverence in a venerable tree? Your poem breaks my heart.
Marge H. Aug 10, 2007, 4:27pm EDT
My foster parents once owned 120 acres of wooded land and a cottage. We went there almost every weekend. My dad knew every tree on the place. He told me to choose one for my "spirit" tree. He claimed that as the tree thrived so should I so I should be sure to pick one that looked young but healthy. When the tree died about 40 years ago, I cried, not only for the loss of my tree but because I was afraid for myself. I guess I wasn't very good at judging trees.
Heidi M. Aug 21, 2007, 3:00pm EDT
We have some trees in our yard that are some of the last hold outs. All the houses on my block had them across the back of the lot where there use to be an irrigation canal. Most have taken them out for whatever reason. they are choke cherries and about 100 years old. ok, they are terribly messy for about a month out of the summer turning the bottom of your feet purple and the birds seem to get drunk on the over ripe berries and do "fly bys" splatting the houses with purple poop but they! They are great old trees otherwise.
Tom C. Sep 1, 2007, 5:58pm EDT
This was really sad. My gut clenched the moment I read, "My neighbor cutting down his old oak tree." The sentinels in our lives are so few, they mark the years. This day started so beautifully, and ended a gray blank, a piece of your life missing.

Great work, William.
Lisa E. Nov 28, 2007, 10:30am EST
Lovely poem.
Wonderful poem. I would be heart sick too, trees for some reason just really make me feel good. Not to mention the sadness of having a part of your past wiped out. The birds did indeed sing a sad song.
J.C. Alexander Nov 29, 2007, 1:27am EST
I'll never forget how wretched I was when my dad uprooted my favorite climbing tree to make room for a house addition. It had been my favorite climbing tree as a child.
William Dotani Nov 29, 2007, 2:13am EST
JC that is a painful memory.
Apryl Just Apryl Dec 1, 2007, 12:34pm EST
This touched me on so many levels as I thought of all the markers of my past. A favorite tree where I had a tire swing as a child, a rose bush in my Mothers garden which has since been turned into concrete walk. So many images of my youth were brought out with this poem. Thank You, this is beautiful and heart wrenching all at once.
Bhawana 'Gather Proud Mom' Dec 3, 2007, 5:13pm EST
This is beautiful though a painful incident..even I hate to watch the old trees chooped down and hate those people who do these actions.All together where ever there's destruction ..I am sad...your said it beautifully..

One thing..

Do you like to paint?
TK Rosevear Dec 3, 2007, 7:44pm EST
This is my favorite too William ;)

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