A Daughter's Plié

There I was, the only man in a room of at least fifty women.

As I looked around the room, I realized that in my younger days I had wished for a situation like this. Of course, the original wish was the concocted by a pubescent, hormone infused teen, probably while watching a late night showing of Bikini Reform School VI on Cinemax (personally I thought the franchise peaked with Bikini Reform School III, but that's beside the point). And now years later, the wish has finally come true in the way that life always grants such whimsies: in a way that best maximizes the irony quotient.

I was at the dance studio, the lone dad in a room full of moms watching my daughter's dance recital practice.

This wasn't my first visit to the studio, but on previous visit's the studio only had two classes in session at a time. However, this was recital practice, the grande end of the year performance the girls had been working on for months, so all of the dancers were assembled to do a dry run through of the show before the big night. Judging by the length of their practice sessions, I estimate that the recital should last at least fourteen hours. Good thing I have a spare camcorder battery.

I know this will come as a shock to my readers, but I am pretty clueless when it comes to dancing. Oh, there was that one time when I managed to get jiggy with it, but it was mostly by accident. But after watching the dancers practice their routines for what feels like a fortnight, I've pretty much been able to decipher the subtle differences between the genres of dance taught at the studio:

Awe - This style is taught exclusively to the dancers under five years of age. The dancers are dressed in outfits so adorable they've been known to induce cheek pinching reactions in aunts from ranges greater than fifty yards. Routines performed in this genre are usually choreographed to music from classic Walt Disney movies and are punctuated by overzealous hip shaking, parasols or giant lollypop accessories, and sporadic waving into the crowd. But it's just so darn cute!

Innocently Coy - Taught to girls ages 8 - 13, this style requires performers to dance like flirtatious little tramps, but it's cute since they're too young to understand it. Routines generally contain gyrations and rump shaking to flirty (but not overtly sexual) music where the dancer is encouraged to 'shake it' or 'work it', even though most are still a few years away from having any 'it' to work or shake. Performances of these routines are generally met by a rousing ovation of hoots, whoops, and whistles … from the moms in the audience. The dads just clap politely as they utter a silent prayer that ten years from now their daughters' aren't performing a similar routine around a pole while dressed in a nurse's uniform. Not surprisingly, this dance style is a known precursor to early stage male pattern baldness.

Tap - Clickety clack! Clickety clack! Clickety clack! Clickety clack! set to the tune of Rocky Top.

Pantomimed Hissy Fit - One of the more advanced dance styles, dancers of this genre try to convey sadness, anger, pain, regret, and jealousy, all at the same time, all without talking. The brunt of these emotions are generally directed towards the dancer's hands, which they stare at frequently throughout the routine. Music used for this style is either about politics, unspoken love, or a broken heart.

Hip Hop - The only dance style with street cred, therefore it's the only class that contains an equal mix of boys and girls.

My daughter is only three, so her routine will probably be preceded with a disclaimer warning for diabetics. The recital started last Sunday, so I’ve still got a few hours before she goes on.

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Chris Carlisle is an online humor columnist whose work can be found on his website and at chriscarlisle.gather.com. 

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