When your kids are small, they tend to have little problems that are easy to fix. A scraped knee, a broken toy, a scary dream - all are things mom can make better with ease. But as they get older, the problems grow more complex. My sixteen year old girls are longing for jobs, boyfriends, and independence- almost every day they want to go driving to practice their new skills.
My son, 14, is going through a difficult time right now. School hasn't been kind to him - he isn't a traditional learner, and has never quite mastered the game of sit down shut up and study. His mischevious spirit gets him in trouble to the point that his suspend-happy school has kept him out so many days, I got a court summons over it. And now, his girlfriend of almost a year (a long time at that age) broke up with him for another boy. He's depressed over school and his girlfriend and told me the other night that he worries he might be bi-polar like his grandfather was. I worry because it does run in our family, and schitzophrenia has shown up on both sides of his family line.
It is hard when, in the middle of the night, your son asks you to come and talk to him. It's hard when he shows you the latest chords he's learned on his guitar, but he plays them so sadly that it makes your heart want to break. I remember, at his age, how hard it was to reach out to anyone in my life- and I want him to know that he can reach out to me. So I hug him, and he doesn't protest, but leans his head on my shoulder. And maybe that's enough for now.
I ask him if he wants to talk to someone, and he says yes, but I quickly find when I try the next day that I'm turned away from almost every place for a lack of insurence - and those who do want to let me in say that their next available appointment is in the fall. He might not BE here in the fall, I shout at them- and wonder how true that is. He has told me he had thoughts, once or twice, of suicide. He's reading the autobiography of Kurt Cobain- and I wonder if I should be glad he's reading, or take it away from him because it might fuel his pain into fire. I ask him if anything makes him feel better, and he tells me that sometimes he goes out on his skateboard and skates until he sweats the bad thoughts out, skates until he can't physically skate anymore.
I make more phone calls. I consider calling the school again- the school that promised me that they would make a meeting, with all his teachers, and the child study team. A meeting that instead was replaced by more threats, more suspensions, no action. I know that calling them is like talking to the wind, but tomorrow I will call anyway, if for no other reason than to tell them that I no longer believe the lie when they tell me that they want the best for my son.
I consider home schooling him, but I wonder whether he will listen, whether he will pull out of this depression on his own, or whether we will finally find someone to help us.
He calls me and asks for me to give him some water, and if there's something that'll help him sleep. He hasn't been sleeping again, he doesn't sleep right anymore. Sometimes I hear him talking and tossing in his sleep.
I wonder if there are problems so big that despite a mother's best effort, they won't ever fix.
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Comments: 45
Best of luck to both of you. You are in my prayers.
Are you able to get a state health insurance for him? I know that NY State has various insurance policies (I know HMOs) that emphasize insurance for kids. Does your state have anything of the sort?
Also contact a local politician's office. Sometimes they're aware of local services you know nothing about.
I am glad he's able to sweat out the bad feelings. It shows he's being pro-active.
And rarely does anyone "outgrow" depression.
It's the fastest thing I can think of at the moment. Church counseling programs, though a great outlet and a neutral place for him to work out his feelings, will not be able to actually "cure" any of his mood issues, if they are based in the beginnings of bipolar or schizophrenia (I honestly believe those are frequently differences in severity of the same illness). For that, he will need medication as well as therapy. There aren't a lot of church programs which include a staff psychiatrist.
Lisa B is giving you some excellent advice.
Don't delay in getting help, no matter what it takes.
I agree with all, even if this is just a phase, teen thing, this is nothing to set aside. How about any Mental Health Clinic in your area, they usually see people if not for nothing, there is usually a sliding scale. As far as diagnosing, sometimes emotional condition symptoms mimic each other so what seems to be bipolar or schizo affect disorder is in fact very bad depression. What ever the case, yes i feel talking to someone would be the first step for him and getting that diagnose and also meds if needed. Good luck to you and him also.
All the best for both of you...and for the rest of your family as well.
(They also have a website. www.girlsandboystown.org/hotline/ )
They assist with thoughts of depression, anxiety, suicide and many other different forms of reaching out that teens go through these days. Most teens aren't as lucky to have a willing and understanding parent. Or most parents aren't lucky enough to have a teenager that is willing to tell them, "yes I have a problem." You are a good parent and you will be able to find help for him. I would first and foremost contact the health department of your local city/state. They can usually give you the best routes to take (because of insurance purposes). They can also recommend classes where his peers go to talk about their problems (kind of like AA). There are counselors there helping and guiding them. He is NOT alone!
You need to take a drastic step at that school of his, like camping on their doorstep until someone talks to you. Call them every day or if you can go in person and don't leave until action is taken. Keep reassuring your son that you will be there for him no matter what and that you will get him help. All the best to you and your son.
It is always good to have a perspective in life. Put things in order, you have to arrange certain emotions and thoughts.
You have to talk to him about worth, quality time, what is a family and happiness.
You have to talk to him like your friend, treat him equal as you yourself have known and liked...
Maybe he wants a kind of acceptance, a certain respect being a ''growing man'',
Maybe he needs some goal, or something that might satisfy his time, things like that. And being a good MOM, you should applied some educating in a way, it may not be even direct but you should imply some academic thoughss to your ''grown ups''.
The very best that I would advise is to bring to him church, that for him to be guided and somehow rectify by himself with the help of you, friends and church, that social side that he is wanting to fill...
It is about fulfilling something... and he needs some sense of order.
A time to play to be motivated... a time to listen to things of worth...
That he may appreciate that prerequisite EDUCATION/s in life, that he has to value and take pride.
And maybe sooner a time to love and find his QUEEN of HEARTS in what DESTINY and LOVE... shall open in a so close future...
Things like that...
And somehow you have stimulate things... being a woman, and a loving and caring MOM...
Laura - VICKY IS RIGHT...
I would look into insurance just for him through blue cross at his age it should only be $68 a month for coverage which would help if he needed a psychiatrist or even need to be hospitalized. This would also help with medication coverage. Keep an ear out for the things that he says! If he says "I hate myself and I wish I were not alive" I would seek help for him immideatley! Lots of kids his age think about suicide, its how they play on words that you need to keep an eye out on.
Watch for him cutting on himself .. it may not be in area's that you can see. Praise him often for his music for his thoughts for the fact that he comes to you. Don't be hard on him when he messes up. If he is bipolar then getting mad at him can cause him to go into a downward spin. Which is hard to do because kids do things that are wrong. I would suggest that if he does something wrong ask him what he thinks his punishment should be. Let him make the choice this way he feels that you care and that he has a say in what he has to do. Gives him a better feeling about himself. Also ask him if there is any type of extra activities he wants to do, soccer, music, art something to the effect where he can get his aggravation and depression out in a structured way.
One last thing is to check into your states insurance. It is given to kids whose parents dont make enough money or don't have health insurance. You may make too much to be eligible for him, but most states then offer insurance at a reduced rate. I looked into it for 5 of us and it was 105 a month with 20 dollar co pays and 10 dollar Rx co pays.
When you try to make an appointment for him and they tell you that they dont have any openings until the fall. Be nice and let them know that since they wont be able to see him until fall if anything happens to him prior to that, that you will hold them responsible along wtih the other doctors that couldn't get him in sooner!!!! Most places freak when you say this. Make a call to his regular doctor to see if they can make a referral for you and make the appointment. Sometimes they can get patients in much faster.
I wish you luck and both of you are in my thoughts. Make sure to always tell him you love him and never add anything behind it.. such as I love you but, or I love you however. This is never a good thing. It makes them feel as though well "they really only love me when I am good"
Just the testing could help. The battery of test is done by a psycologist...can pick out depression also.
Read about giftednesss and see if that might be a clue. There is a lot of help available for gifted folks...
Take the suicide stuff seriously. Find help no matter what it costs.
Take away the Kurt Cobain stuff too and perhaps hand him: The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education
If I were you, or you were a friend this is what I would say/do.
Take him to his primary doctor. He/she can make referals which will get you into the door much faster than doing it on your own. Your doctor may also be able to prescribe medication to help while you wait. (Your call on the meds, that's a difficult decision.)
If school is still in session call the principal and tell he/she you want your son evaluated for an Indiviual Education Program (IEP) If they poo-poo you, politely tell them that there is clearly a problem and that if the school isn't willing to look at it, then you will have him privately evaluated and send the bill to the district.
And yes you can do that. If school is out write to the Superentent's office with the same concerns. And give them a dead line to reply, or you'll have evaled on your own. This will take at least until the middle of next year to complete, but don't back down. He is either too bright, ADD, dyslexic or something else which is constantly putting him at odds with others. This isn't about what they want, it's for your son. My son is on an IEP, and it's been an up hill battle to keep him with the services he needs. You are your son's champion in this arena.
Our daughter was obsessed with Kurt Cobain. She still is fascinated with him, but not like when she was 14. This IS a warning. You are not over the edge to be concerned with it.
Until you can get him into see a proffesional, get rid of or put away all of the cold medications you have left over from the winter. The active ingredient in cough syrup is a commonly taken drug by kids his age. It's called Dex, or perhaps something else now. It's dangerous and will make his depression much worse.
Put the tylenol and other pain relievers out of reach. Tylenol will destroy the liver quickly if he takes a handful in a fit of despair, you could lose him. Motrin, same thing, different organ, kidneys. Put trigger locks on all of the weapons in the house, and keep the shells locked up. Or move them out of the house.
It's hard to explain suicidal depression to someone who's never been there. Sort of like trying to imagine being blind if you can see. He can't help his depression. He won't just snap out of it. With time, love and patience he can emerge from it safe and sound. And if he doesn't 'IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT'
Our daughter told me the reason she couldn't go through with her plans of killing herself is because she couldn't put us through that kind of pain. She heard me when I told her she was the center of my universe, that I didn't think I'd survive losing her.
If you find knives, pills, razor blades, rope, shoes stings tied together...the list goes on, in his room; take him to the hospital. They can admit him for suicidal depression. And it will kill you to do it, but be strong.
I wouldn't wish what you must be going through on anyone. Be strong, take care of yourself... and allow yourself to cry.
I wish, growing up, that I had been homeschooled. I went to a parocial school during the third grade and finished the 3rd and almost all of the fourth grade in one year, then had to go back to public school. I got bored and unchallenged with public school and eventually fell behind and I stuggled through the rest of my academic career, especially in Math. I was 1/2 a credit away from graduating with honors, which 18 years later, is still a sore spot with me.....and all this was before the "mandatory" standardized testing...in Texas it's the TAKS test. They say the test doesn't determine pass/fail, but they will hold you back if you don't pass regardless. I hate it and wish we could still home school our kids.
If you do decide to home school, remember to check out your local states laws governing home schooling. Each state is different. In Virginia, you have to register with the state and submit a lesson plan. In Texas, there are not really any rules for it beyond a basic curriculum standards. Some places even have Home School Co-ops you can join which will help some.
I have a friend here on the Gather boards who home schools her son, You may drop here a line....Orchid_Noir. The best of luck to you, Austin, and your son.
Brightest Blessings,
Raven G.
Doesn't your state have any provisions for people without insurance? You would qualify for Medicaid, wouldn't you? You simply MUST have insurance. It is TOO risky to live without.
Get him involved in youth groups, a church group or any group that will help get his self esteem back in gear.
People are social animals and can die for lack of positive social connection.
Look at Gather. We are a microcosm of all that makes us human. We all thrive on the interaction, here.
Some churches are very progressive and have decent youth groups. My relatives were brought up very traditionally and would never go to the church of their origin, the Roman Catholic Church, but have found a great Presbyterian group their kids go to. My sister's kids went to the UU.
Community is what keeps us alive and sane.
DON'T take away any of his music. Although Kurt Cobain killed himself, most of his music, although depressive in tone, does not talk of suicide. I made it through my teen years through my music, indeed it was my only friend at times. Talk to him about Cobain and his suicide, which was made while he was addicted to heroin and many other drugs. Drugs may appear to numb the pain on the surface, but when the user crashes the world is worse than when they left it. Be open and honest and treat him like an adult, whether you THINK he is or not. Music is a great emotional outlet, so encourage him and let him express his anger and pain with it. Suggest he try to find other musicians and perhaps do some group/band work. Music usually provides pleasure in musicians, (I know Cobain was perhaps the exception to this rule, but he also had alot of really unique problems as well if you've ever read his biography.) Getting a job also helps as your son will be exposed not only to high schoolers his age, but older workers as well as the sense of accomplishment in having his own money. This also worked for me.
Boys actually take long term break-ups harder than girls at this age. Be there for him, even when he tells you he doesn't want you there or pushes you away. Find creative ways to keep yourself in his life and try taking him out; depression becomes invariably worse when you lock yourself up and don't get out.
Do see if there is a mentoring program at your local community college. Phi Theta Kappa, a community college honor society, has a mentoring program for at risk kids, and is nation-wide. At the very least, most colleges offer free tutoring for local children. This tutor could become a friend your son needs, but make sure that they forward a tutor who intends to stick with it so that your son does not feel "abandoned" again.
As far as homeschooling, a word of caution, (I homeschool one of my school aged children), LOTS of time, dedication and devotion coupled with LOADS of patience is needed. This is a full time job for the parent, although if you are successful the burden can be worth it. Is he having problems with his peers? Kids are most mean and pulling him out may be your only option if he is being constantly picked on. Also, some teachers can be very rigid and tend to pick on active boys rather hard. Students feel that they are worthless in the eyes of their teachers may just have one more "straw" placed upon their already skatey opinion of themselves. Meet with each teacher one on one to find if there is a candidate to help you. Don't just assume that they are right and your child is wrong. Even if you find fault in what he has done, let him know you are on his side; the more he thinks that no one understands him the more he will withdraw and the less he will share. This is very shakey ground to be on.
Please let us know how he does, and do continue to find a way for him to get counseling. If he is smart enough to ask for help, then move heaven and earth to get him there. Also...universities require their psychology students to log internships and these are often at greatly reduced rates, if not entirely free for families with lower income. Good luck to you and your son!