In a relationship, each person has a “deal breaker” – an offense to their significant other that is unforgivable like infidelity or some other trust breaker. Although in a good majority of the instances the offenses aren't forgiven there are a lot of times that they are forgiven. That forgiveness only comes with many displays of remorse, possibly months of saying “I’m sorry,” and bending over backwards to prove to the other person that they can be trusted again. Trusted again not to hurt, not to hit, not to cheat, not to break promises and to hold the person’s heart gently in the palm of their hands until that person is ready to love again, trust again and be vulnerable again.
Have you ever violated the trust in a relationship? If so, how did you make amends? How long did it take? What about when someone violated your trust: what did they do to make amends?
If it were me and I had violated the trust and safety of my significant other, I would not let the sun set on any day without letting that person know how remorseful I am. I wouldn’t show anger at their lack of response to me, I wouldn’t go back on my word on anything I agreed to do before the incident occurred and I would not give them any reason not to want to spend the rest of their life with me.
I am so tired of hearing about people – and knowing people – who have offended and act like someone has done something wrong to them. They’re wishy washy, untrustworthy and, I believe, not worth the time of day. Don’t they realize that everything they do that goes against showing remorse is like a dagger in the heart of the person they’ve hurt?
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Comments: 17
I have been on both end of that stick and thank God my husband and I both worked things out and didn't give up. Without going into details and bringing up old wounds... just know that it is entirely too easy to get divorced these days in my opinion. There's always grounds for divorce, abuse and sometimes cheating-- depending on the severity. BUT, in most situations, trust can be earned back if both parties are sincere. Just my opinion again... :)
The may be harsh, but very few people who do these kinds of things stop doing them. They say 'I'm sorry. I really really mean it." They stop for a little while then go right back to it. Life is too short.
There were a few times when one of us pushed a button we didn't know the other had (nothing like infidelity or real abuse, just something... you know?) and that person over-reacted. We time went on, we got better at:
a) sharing buttons with the other person so they'd not push them on purpose
b) apologizing after we'd done something by accident
c) Not taking things personally, and explaining we never do things on purpose
d) explaining our actions and our feelings without unnecessary rationalizations
e) all around TRUST
f) setting BOUNDARIES without making them sound like RULES
g) adapting our individual situations and compromizing
Now we are facing a couple of surprises. One was a snap decision he had to make without me, but he felt secure enough in our relationship, that he was able to make the RIGHT decision. I understood the reason for his split second decision, and I appreciated how quickly he was able to think of a solution that would work for both of us, even though he didn't have time to consult me. WE understood eachother instantly, and I had no problem with the fact that he did not have time to consult me. Though it was a positive decision, it was still life-changing. His instincts served him REALLY WEL!!!!
So now it's "his turn" my time for me to adapt to his situation, his home, his job and his family, because he's the one with responsibilities now (I will not call them obligations or ties because they are not related to guilt or burdon). I'm fine with this, because some day it's going to be MY TURN, and he will willingly pack up and go where I go.
The fact that he was able to consider my feelings, his feelings and OUR feelings while in the process of making a split second decision AMAZES ME, not because he could, but because he DID!!!! Not that many people have considered MY feelings the way he has. That kind of RESPECT still blows me away.
Not to embarass him, but friends of mine are affectionately envious of our loving relationship, and that makes me feel damn good....not because they "don't" have it, but because it has helped me to realize what a precious jewel our relationship really IS!!! I knew it all along, but it's always nice to be reminded.
If one of us HURT the other to the extent you pondered in your question above, it would be extremely devasting, because of the DEPTH of our relationship. The real blessing is that we are soulmates and couldn't fathom the idea of EVER "breaking the deal."
Infidelity? Couldn't dream of it!!! Physical, verbal abuse? HOW? WHY???? We'd have to be pretty @#$%ing dumb to do that to eachother.
I always believed my ex when he claimed that he didn't "MEAN" what he did.
The government has so tromped on my rights that I am actively working with several groups to replace 534 of the 535 of them. There's only one Congressman I have any trust in, and he's not even mine!
Trust is hard to earn and easy too lose.
Good points in your article.
Never. It's like a sacred thing for me. And, if only I did something like that, I'd never be able to forgive myself in the first place. :-)
Blessings - S.
I remember once someone I knew very well and considered a great friend did something that hurt me bad. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why this person would do this because I trusted them. The only thing allowed me to forgive them and continue to love them dispite this wrong was a word from the Lord that simply said "If they knew better, they would do better. This simply statement freed me from holding this THING over their head forever. It also allowed me to forgive other people that wronged me. It goes back to that saying "Do crazy people really know that they are crazy"? or Do people ALWAYS know that they are doing us wrong? Or do they, based on thier own, sometimes warped thinking, think that they are doing right?
What we have to realize that we are made up of not only our past habits, experiences etc. We are make up of the bad habbits, and negativie things of past generations. Yeah generational curses are real. Is this an excuse for someone to continue to do wrong things? No! But we should take this in consideration when we are wronged. So what do we do? We pray that God heals that person and shows them that they need to be delivered of these bad things. Things that if given an option, they would not have received them.
It's funny how we look at our children and say awww they act just like the daddy when.. or they act just like the mommie when... But what happens when the child grows up STILL acting like the mommy when she was premiscioius or the daddy when he was a horemonger? Wow! When do we realize that it isn't ALL our fault and go to the source.
So where do we go from here, until the person deals with these issues that is wrecking our relationship, do not put yourself back in the positon to receive more abuse or hurt. I'm not saying don't trust again but a change has to happen first. Until then? Pray earnestly for that person.
My 2 cents.
Brion
No, because they are too busy not owning their actions and leaving the responsibility with everyone else. They get quite aggravated when its suggested they may have responsibility for the problem and will often become aggressive and attack to protect their image of themselves as righteous. Their sense of self is so out of whack that they can't deal with their own imperfections. It's an all or nothing thing: if they admit one, they think they are worthless.