by amanda wallin

Member since:
August 30, 2006

RELAPSE

June 03, 2007 09:37 AM EDT

views: 105 | comments: 40

Bone crushing rage

Snaps my brittle skull

Soul squeezing hands

Drain blood from my spirit

Touched by the devil’s fingers

Guilty palms cannot pray

Temporal time ticks

Like the wheel of the roulette

Forgotten faith folds

In poker faced mortality

The queen of hearts resuscitates me

I bet against the odds…

High stakes drive into the pulse of a loser

Tags: compulsive gambling, abuse, depression, relapse

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Comments: 40

amanda wallin Jun 3, 2007, 9:39am EDT

I'm going to my first GA meeting in a while but I'll be back at ten or so. Thanks for stopping by in advance. I love and missed you all~ Amanda

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Spencer T. Jun 3, 2007, 9:42am EDT

So sorry Amanda
wish I could hold you at bay
but I know the power of addiction
which tosses life in the frey.

Missed you so
was hoping all was fine
Please be reminded
you're still a friend of mine
Hugs

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David Cannon Jun 3, 2007, 9:44am EDT

You need too get the better of this and you are on the right path by doing something about it Amada! It is a dangerous game, I know a man who has gambled away over £30'000 works out at around $55'000 and he owes it too banks and loan sharks.

You can get the better of this sweetheart!

Dave

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Trudy P. Jun 3, 2007, 9:47am EDT

Glad you are getting help!

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elizabeth e. Jun 3, 2007, 9:53am EDT

Amanda...we all have relapses...it's just part of who we are...but once we recognize our addiction, as you have, it's easier to back off and resume the positive path you have chosen. I'm not going to wish you good luck...it's not good luck you need...I'm going to offer you yourself...the self you want to be.

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♥kyra D. Jun 3, 2007, 10:03am EDT

(((hugs))) One day at a time my friend. Please don't be too hard on yourself. :o(

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Atticus *. Jun 3, 2007, 10:19am EDT

Wonderful jarring poem amanda. You have an unflinching way with words. Relapse is a terrible thing and hurts very deeply but it only means we need a little more work on the foundation to support a greater more beautiful life ahead.

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Angie O. Jun 3, 2007, 11:13am EDT

A repapse is only a step to success. Missed you Amanda and your great work. Hang tough.

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David D. Gilbaugh Jun 3, 2007, 11:38am EDT

I see into the gambling addition with a different emapthy that ever before with this. I am greived at your relaps and lifted up by your decision to hang tough and find your way to help. This is the only addition that I know of that can take everything you own financially in a single moment leaving only your friends and loved ones to forgive you - and yourself. You are a dear friend, Amanda!

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Barbary Chaapel Jun 3, 2007, 11:53am EDT

Amanda, when you put all your poems into book form
you will have a memoir. As always, this is a
extraordinarily fine poem that I wish didn't have to be
written. My best to you.

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Tonia, who hugs trees G. Jun 3, 2007, 12:32pm EDT

This road of walking away from addiction, the one with boulders and ruts that are constantly making the way more challenging, this road will lead to level ground. Sometimes the work of travel is so wearying and there seems to be a soft relief of falling back into the older ways. That is the devil whispering in your ear, and mostly we can differentiate, and sometimes we choose not to care, just for that blessed moment of relief. I'm glad you've resurfaced and are facing down that devil once again.

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Faith H. Jun 3, 2007, 12:40pm EDT

Amanda, dear girl, what can I add to these fine words of comfort already written? Only that you are loved and supported by all of us. We pray for your strength, admire your determination and marvel at your wonderous way with words.

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Debbie G. Jun 3, 2007, 12:51pm EDT

Amanda, one day at a time my friend. Keep going to the meetings, and keep writing! We all will support you in your efforts!

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David D. Gilbaugh Jun 3, 2007, 3:09pm EDT

Amanda
I left out the fact that this was poem was terribly profound in its implications and earnest. It is also perfection in my definition as to what poetry is about, every sense is turned upside down and back up-right in the poetic arc. I loved it - and you!

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julian 'blighted karma' three Jun 3, 2007, 3:44pm EDT

As powerful as all your work; you are as hard hitting as a pile driver, yet the gentleness of that beautiful soul always shines through. Setbacks are only that - not defeats, just setbacks. Work your plan, dearest friend; resist the call which does nothing but leave you trapped in a sticky web, and be free. We are ALL here te help you, to listen and encourage. Much love to you.

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Thom R. Jun 3, 2007, 6:55pm EDT

There but for the grace of go I. Welcome back to GA Amanda, and remember although you tripped you have forgotten nothing that you have learned in the recovery struggle, it is yours and you can re use it. Believe me I know the struggle within GA also, I always thought it was the dealer and not the player of the cards that was at fault... Just take it ODAAT, nothing has changed except the start of recovery date honey.
Luv Ya
Thom

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Lawrence U. Jun 3, 2007, 6:59pm EDT

Excellent work, Amanda! I love the magnificent beauty of your poem. Get well soon and be blessed!

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Priscilla P. Jun 3, 2007, 7:42pm EDT

Amanda, I am in your court and rooting for your recovery--hour by hour and you will be free. FREE

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♥kyra D. Jun 3, 2007, 10:56pm EDT

Through out the day...I thought of you often. How was your day Amanda?

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DragonSoul !. Jun 4, 2007, 12:12am EDT

I have had a couple of other friends go through some pretty serious gambling problems. This poem pretty much sums up the many problems associated with gambling when not done responsibly. Good luck breaking the addiction.

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Warren Keating Jun 4, 2007, 12:46pm EDT

Summon the courage and honest that it took to write this poem, and you will reach the pinnacle of success soon. Relapse is part of the process, so forgive yourself and continue the journey. Know that we all love you and project support to you which is the best medicine to help you get over this sickness.

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amanda wallin Jun 4, 2007, 12:56pm EDT

Thank you all for your support. Sorry I didn't respond yesterday but the meeting sapped me of all my strength. Don't know what I'd do without you and the fellowship. I'm back for good and the depression is abating.
Thanks again- Amanda

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Wilma M. Jun 4, 2007, 4:38pm EDT

Don't have anything to add to all the advice above but just wanted to let you know there is one more person here rooting for your success.

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joel samuel Jun 4, 2007, 11:41pm EDT

Dear Amanda- If you want to stop gambling or any addiction- find something - just one thing in which you have a passion for- then all addictions slips away.
Follow your bliss and enjoy the short time you have here with all of us.
Welcome to my Rabbit Hole.-
joelsamuelpresents

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amanda wallin Jun 5, 2007, 9:11am EDT

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. Right now I'm too overwhelmed and have the attention span of a gnat so I won't be back on til' I'm ready. This depression will pass with the support I'm getting; I know.
I'm looking foreward to reading all of your work.
A,amda

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Sandra L. Jun 7, 2007, 12:06am EDT

Amanda, I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad right now. I pray that you get better soon. It's a very difficult road you are traveling right now. I know you can get on the right path.
Your talent is so amazing. I don't know how you can create such profound poetry when you are feeling so bad. You are amazing. I thing having some sort of addiction is a prerequisite to having talent. Not an excuse, just an observation.
Take care and come back soon.

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Beryl Singleton Bissell Jun 9, 2007, 11:40am EDT

Amanda, one day, one moment at a time ... peace!

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meghann s. Jun 10, 2007, 11:26am EDT

Amanda, we love you and although you sometimes feel like %@&*! it always passes. It gets better.

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TK Rosevear Jun 11, 2007, 12:54pm EDT

Relapsing is part of the healing process, just means you are getting closer to your goal. I know you can do it, I have ALL the faith and hope in you and your process coming to fruition...
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

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William Dotani Jun 13, 2007, 8:34am EDT

I certainly hope this poem is an illusion and not a relapse. God gave you a talent with words. I hope you will share this talent more often.

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William Dotani Jun 13, 2007, 8:36am EDT

Amanda, If you happen to read my short story, I suggest you skip page two. I might have crossed a few lines.

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Debbie H. Jun 13, 2007, 7:34pm EDT

Amanda~ I wish I would have seen this sooner!!! We all have relapses...no matter what the vice!!! The soul has to be coached into acceptance of truth and the finish line.........I have missed my dear friend deeply!!! You have such a great sense of determination and inspire me always!!!! xoxo

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Corina Carrasco Jun 13, 2007, 10:36pm EDT

You have the power and the strength, Amanda. You can do it. You will do it!

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John F Walter Jun 19, 2007, 12:04pm EDT

The compression of this lyrical fierceness is almost unbearable at first read, reminds me of Plath or Sexton when they are on a jag. I feel the unbearable feelings released. Blistering, unstoppable poetry.

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