Ten Common Discipline Mistakes

American moms are getting…well…desperate.  A flip through the TV guide and shows like Nanny 911 and Supernanny which feature parents with out of control kids will give you the impression that moms and dads today are becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the task of keeping their children under control.

            This phenomenon is a growing trend according to clinical psychologist Ruth Peters, PhD, author of Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control. "I think kids are harder to manage today because so many parents are afraid to discipline," She says.

            So how do you know whether your own disciplinary style is in need of a makeover?  Nicholas Long, PhD, co-author of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child says it's time to make a change if you feel your kids have control of you instead of vice versa, or if you're getting complaints about your children's behavior from other adults, such as teachers or caregivers.  If this applies to your family -- and you can't hire a miracle nanny to come to the rescue – here are some common discipline mistakes and some of the nannies' techniques to help get your children back on track.

3. Treating Children as Small Adults
Don’t make the mistake of letting children have an equal say in the rules of the household.  What to do instead: Let your child know that this is a parent/child relationship, not a democracy. As children get older, parents can explain the reasoning behind their decisions.

4. Bribery
When children whine or throw tantrums, it's tempting to give them anything they want so they'll stop wearing down your already frazzled nerves. But rewarding a tantrum with candy or anything else is a sure-fire way to inspire more tantrums. What to do instead: Give your child a reward.  Rewards are bestowed after the fact, not before. Once the room is cleaned up, reward your child with a new book. (But it is OK to announce that a material award is available once your criteria are met: for instance, a clean room)

5. Inconsistency
Once you make a rule and tell your kids what's at stake, you must follow through. If you don't, they won't take the rule seriously. And if the rules keep changing, your kids may end up confused and frustrated. If they can jump on the furniture one day and the parents don't do anything, and the next day the parents yell about it, the children won't know what the limits are. Some children will test the limits again and again just to figure out what they are. What to do instead: Establish clear and consistent rules and routines.  Set specific times for bedtimes, meal-times, and bath-times.  Don’t change your rules and routines for the sake of keeping your child quiet.  Maintaining consistency will pay dividends in years to come.

7.Not targeting the bad behavior                                                                                                     It's best to work on improving only one-and never more than two behaviors at a time. If you tell your child they are naughty, they don’t understand what they are doing wrong, and therefore can’t correct their behavior.  What to do instead: Don't say, "He's not behaving." Instead, narrow the focus to target the specific behavior you want to eliminate: "He's talking back." And makeover will be more successful.

8. Not teaching a substitute behavior                                                                                             No behavior will change permanently unless the child is taught a new behavior to replace it. Think about it: if you tell a kid to stop doing one behavior, what will he do instead? Without a substitute behavior, chances are the child will revert to using the old misbehavior. What to do instead: Teach the child what they CAN do: You can color on paper. (not on the wall)

9 Shaming & Belittling                                                                                                              Parents often don't realize their remarks cause their children to feel smaller, inadequate, less intelligent or more insecure. Example: "Why are you acting like such a baby?”What to do instead: Monitor your language and be aware how often you say positive, versus negative things. It’s suggested that a child should receive four positive messages for every negative message. Children need positive messages about who they are and what they do well (or are learning to do well).

10. Not sticking to the plan long enough                                                                                      Learning new behavior habits generally takes a minimum of twenty-one days of repetition. Parents need to commit to changing the bad behavior and then continue using the plan for at least three weeks. Only then will they see change. What to do instead: Make a plan and stick to it!