Practically Speaking: Money Talk (Part 2)

You've done some thinking about your situation and are ready to sit down and talk through the nitty gritty details...what?  You aren't so sure?  That's pretty common.  Did you know that the biggest roadblock to getting on your feet financially is fear?  It comes in many different forms but it's still fear.  Don't let this get in the way of your financial health.  Learn to identify it and move past it.

Vulnerability

Putting your ideas out on the table can be difficult.  The possibility of criticism from a loved one is uncomfortable.  Opening yourself up to share your hopes for your team and for yourself can leave you feeling exposed.

Some people who have been together for "forever" find it difficult to share a new hope or thought about the future because they "already know" the other half will pooh-pooh the idea.  Maybe your mate is thinking the same thing about you!  People and circumstances change over time.  Give your partner a chance to respond.  If you don't put your ideas out there, they can't be considered.  And when it comes to money and planning your future, everyone's thoughts should at least be voiced.  Who knows, if you risk putting a crazy idea out there, maybe your partner will join you with one of his/her own.

If you've just embarked on a relatively new relationship, it may be scary not knowing how your partner will react to your thoughts.  There's no better time than the present to find out!  Lay it all out there.  Let her know you want to make more of your fix-it talents and are thinking of opening up a handyman business.  Let him know you want to head back to school for your PhD - you've always wanted to be a professor.  You can grow together by supporting each other.

Rejection

This is a tough one; no doubt about it.  Hearing a flat out "no way" is not anyone's idea of a good time.  Hearing out the whole thought and tossing some ideas about it between the two of you should be one of the ground rules.

Paying for college is one that people often have 2 very different perspectives on.  One wants to pay in full because their parent's did and the other says, "No way!  I paid my own way through college and it taught me a lot.  Besides we can't afford it."  Well, someone's got to give a little here.  If one party thinks it's important then it deserves attention.

The goal is to do what's right for the team - not the individuals.  Write down reasons why each party is for or against.  Brainstorm some other pro and con ideas as well.  Leave it out on the table and come back 2 days later to finish the conversation.  Many people are still emotionally charged after the first day to think objectively but you still want the issue to be fresh in your mind.

Talk out the two sides separately - the money portion and the principle.  Don't mix them up.  Sometimes the amount of money you have will help drive the solution.  For example, if you simply can't afford any dollars towards the goal at the time, put it on a list to talk about next time you sit down to review the budget.  If you have some money but not enough to save for the full goal, then maybe you can meet in the middle and pay for a portion.  Or, if you have the ability to pay the full burden, then you should talk more about why each person has this view and see if you can either come to a middle ground or if one party can give in on this one.

Ignore It.  It'll Go Away

Please don't stick your head in the sand.  I mean don't just sit there like an ostrich hoping that it will all go away or get better by some miracle.  It doesn't work that way - things will only get worse.  If you're afraid of the reaction to some news you have to give, consider that it might be received even more poorly at a later date.

If you are afraid that putting all of the money details out in front of you might just highlight how little money you have, that's all the more reason to put it together.  Know what's there so you know what to tackle first.  If you have a bad habit, this is a great way to identify it and fix it before it gets you into any more trouble.

And remember, laying blame won't fix it either.  It may in deed be true that one party came into the relationship with a boatload of debt or lost their job or made some poor investments.  Whatever the case, cruising down memory lane isn't going to fix it so stay focused on doing what you need to get healthy now.

There is a solution to every issue and concern.  Keep your focus on the team's best interests and work purposefully against getting into an argument.  That will only distract you from your real purpose.  Fear only gets people's guards up.  Consider this set of rules before you engage in money talks:

• All ideas will be written down
• No interrupting
• No name calling
• No laying blame
• No quitting

Next time we'll look at some numbers.  I'll illustrate what a simple budget should look like and what you should be looking for when reviewing your actual spending.

Heather Montanaro: Money Correspondent:

Heather's column, Practically Speaking, published 3 times a month to Gather Essentials: Money presents practical advice for everyday living and provides insight on how to pair lifestyle choices with financial realities.

Heather Montanaro holds an Executive MBA from Northeastern University and has held senior positions with local technology and service companies.  Now she enjoys staying at home with her 2 young children.  She's made the adjustment from 2 to 1 incomes and enjoys helping others reach their personal goals as a Budget Coach.

You can find all of Heather's Practically Speaking columns at tag: budget coach

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