Choosing to be Childless....

I agree. Some assume that because you are married and fertile you must bear kids. I'm also considering being childless too.

I agree with you. I'm tired of being asked the same thing. I often tell people that I was responsable and didn't have children that I couldn't afford and didn't think I would parent well and that usually makes them be quiet.

Children are something not to be taken lightly. Not everyone should have children, for various reasons, and that is totally okay. Life is more than children. I think there are so many people who are irresponsible about having children - to please others orto please themselves, when they really shouldn't have them at all. It is good that you know what you want and are responsible about that choice. It is not that you could not be a loving parent, per say, but that you don't feel the need to have them as a part of your life. I have felt that way at times myself, in the past, but do feel now I want children one day. I know I will only have them if I feel I can give them a good life and have myself remain sane in the process. :-)

That's usually the second question I get right after...How come you're not married yet?

People can be very rude, but most times I think people are just plain ignorant or have no social skills.

I so agree! I have one child, a beautiful adult daughter...who has had numerous struggles, sadness and more than her share of challenges. As did I while doing my very best to do the very best by her. The only training I had for parenting was from an alcoholic father who I'm sure loved me, but left the raising of me to his 2nd wife, my stepmother. They loved each other very, very much, and I felt I was sort of a burden. She showed me that, as well as her intense anger and frustration over not having had the opportunity to raise all of her own dozen or so children. She lost 2 sets of twins to death early on. Then her abusive alcoholic husband obtained custody of all of her remaining children. I can see where that would just about do a mother in. She showed me that frustration daily, until I was about 15, and I blocked one of her punches. It never happened again. She passed away from a heart attack after I left home, no surprise, since her heart was broken for most of her adult life. Children were the main cause of her unhappiness, because she couldn't have her own, but had to raise me. As an adult, I would have loved to have interacted with her...I think we would have been very close. My daughter and I are very close, as she is with her three children. But neither of us brag about what good parents we are, or were. She says I was, I say she is, but either way, it's the hardest thing anyone can do, be responsible for the beginning of someones life...teaching them the necessary things to be happy, healthy, prosperous and spiritually sound...showing them how to be an adult, and in this day and age, it's not an easy thing to do, being an adult. We all just want to be kids again, have fun, be loved unconditionally the way kids are supposed to be. But that doesn't always happen. Too much hunger, abuse, neglect, and world conditions to want to bring more children into the world to face that. So, unless a force bigger than ouselves decides we should have more and more children, I say hold true to your own decision, and give what ever mothering, nurturing feelings you have to one (or more) of the less fortunate, parentless children already in our world, and feel good about it because you chose to do it. With much Aloha, Jude F.

I so understand your frustrations where on the other hand I get the opposite. Why would you want so many kids? (For the record, I gave birth to 3, have 2 step, and have "non-legally adopted" 2 others.) I totally respect people that have no children, why can't they respect that I would have had more if my body would have allowed it? Everybody has the nitch, glitch, wants, non wants, and etc.... you are completely right it is nobody's business. Have you ever asked the people that ask you why you don't have children,... why they do? lol Maybe that'd give them something to ask themselves.

Great article. And people need to be more sensitive. I am not childless by choice and when I got asked the question it was like a stab in the heart. I never felt like going into my medical condition but it has got better since I am older now and people are not expecting me to show up pregnant anymore.

My 2 best friends from grade school are childless by choice and not married and I have the utmost respect for them and their decision. It is rude to press into someone's business. I have had a different problem with women with children asking how many I have and I say 2 and they say oh just 2 because they have like 5. I got so frustrated one time I said I have 2 children and 3 in heaven that I miscarried in the second trimesester so I would have 5 if I had the all alive. It felt like she thought she was a better mother because she had more children. What is up with that?

If people do not want to have children, more power to them.
I am glad that both of you as a couple can agree one way or the other. It is a personal decision and not one to be made to make others happy.

We spent 7 years trying to have a child, first the regular way...and then by adoption. It was a painful time, and I hated it when people asked me why I didn't have kids because I wanted them so badly. I ended up getting one each way, and I'm thrilled about it...but, it certainly is a personal choice.

I never have and would never ask someone why they don't have children. I have three kids and I hope to even have more someday but I respect that everyone is different and not everyone wants children or can have them. People need to think before they speak.

I am unmarried and "old" lol and people still ask me why I never married to had children. I don't take it personally but I do think it is no one's business and to assume everyone should have children is wrong. I guess that type of question doesn't bother me that much as I have a neck and back problem and you should see the questions I get.

Karen, depending on how it's asked (because I'd never ask anything cruelly or try to deliberately be insensitive), it might actually BE out of interest? It could be an "are you waiting?" "have you had trouble trying?" "do you prefer not to?" It could even be that they don't want to assume you're choosing not to, find out you've been desperately attempting to have a baby, and spend hours blathering on about all the people they know who are pregnant. I know that the ten years I tried to get pregnant and failed my arms and my heart ached. It hurt to hear that so and so was having her fourth baby, when I had yet to have one...

I'm sorry it bugs you so much. Oh... why don't you have any babies??? bwa ha ha ha (j/k)

If I had borne all of the children with whom I ever became pregnant I'd have close to a baseball team. The fact that I had only one live birth drove me nuts. I would never wish upon anyone what I went through. If a couple is childless, has one child, or has a sports team, that is none of anyones business. No one but those two people know what is in their hearts or their minds. I leave well enough alone and I'm happy when people are happy, and that's that.

Excellent article! It was only after 6 years of marriage that my husband and I decided to have our children. And it changes your life completely, forever. We have many friends who have chosen not to have children. Good for them. Sorry that people out there are rude to you about it, but unfortunately, it is a rude world. I had my mother's friend tell me how awful it was to have children when you were over 30 because you were really just too old and too tired. I was pregnant with my first daughter and I was 32 at the time!

I've never asked anyone such a question and it's a stupid question. I didn't have any urge to have a child until I was almost 30. At that time I was overcome with the need to have a baby. What is really unfortunate is that many people have children just because they think it's something that is expected of them, rather than really wanting them.

The next time someone asks you that, without answering them, think of something great that you have that they don't and ask them why they don't have it.

I totally understand how people asking about it could bother you. I can't have children due to an autoimmune disease. I have whole other issues about children... But sometimes when people bring up "Oh, well, when you have children..." I feel really sad. Sometimes when it's someone who keeps bringing it up I hit them with "Yeah, well if I didn't have this disease that has no cure, then maybe someday..." But honestly... It drives me crazy.

Your decision is the ultimate in responsibility. With the overpopulation that our world is facing, no one should have children unless they desperately want them. Many people feel that you are missing out on something if you do not have them, but I think of my sister-in-law. She moved to Australia several years ago and is spending her life doing all sorts of fun and fulfilling things that I could never afford to do with two children.

You are correct, it is your decision and no one elses. When I was asked, before I had children I was often tempted to deck the person on the spot, but usually answered in my own time, not yours and walked on.

Excellent thread. Thank you for bringing up this conversation Karen! I'm with you. However, Elizabeth, don't fear overpopulation. With proper distribution of resources this earth can house five times its current population. Consequently, the decision is a purely personal one.

It is rude for people to ask you why you don't have children. People would think it rude if you asked them, "What were you thinking? You had to have 3 of them? Didn't anyone tell you about birth control?"
Your aunt comes from a different age where it was more unheard of, but its still difficult not to go along with the status quo.

As a reflex reaction, I'm pretty much with Kim on this one, Karen. However given a bit of thought, I can see that the question as to "why not" might be out of simple curiosity and the second as to "why" might be seen as criticism.

Whatever the motivation, it does seem to be a rather personal question and certainly rude or at least intrusive for strangers or casual acquaintances to be asking. One assumes your close friends and family would know of your choice and respect it. Or is that dreaming? Hehee

I can't recall my ever asking anyone that. I may have asked my brother's and their wives when they were planning on having kids after they got married. But I also knew they were both planning on having kids.

I don't think it's all that unusual to choose not to have children. I have both an Aunt and an Uncle (brother & sister) who have both chosen not to have children.

I agree with you. My husband and I were married 9 years before I got pregnant. People were always asking when we would have a baby. Getting pregnant was a surprise. A wonderful surprise. We were happy without our son but we also don't know what we did without him for so long. I respect anyone that decides not to have children. I have been there. I never ask because there could be reasons that are none of my business. A good friend of mine is pregnant now after trying for several years. I didn't know she was trying and never asked or said anything. I know now,how important it was for her to finally get pregnant.

I agree with you, but people are always getting into other peoples business. Its what makes the worl go round. But one should never chose to do something or not do it for societys sake. Especially one as big as having children.