After reading this, you might question my sanity, call me a fool, decide I am the most irrational person you never bothered to know, or hate me. I will understand since there were times when I considered all of these, except hating me. However, in the end, I remember that love is not always rational and come back to defend my position.
I was surprised and disappointed when he married you. Little doubt, I would have felt a sting no matter who he married, but not the deep sadness I felt because he had chosen you. The one before you accepted me in their life, invited me to their parties, visited me in my home, and talked to me like she cared about me, and my happiness. She called sometimes for no reason other than she was my friend, and never made me think she wished I would disappear or he would forget I existed.
If he had married her, I would have wanted to bury the sting and be there to celebrate and wish them well. She was like me, so it made sense to me that he was with her. If you and I have one characteristic in common, I haven’t seen it. That seemed to imply either an insult or mistake. I couldn’t imagine him insulting anyone. If it was a mistake, I wondered which of us was the wrong choice. I know – a rational person would assume that I was the mistake since our marriage didn’t last. Now is your chance to call me irrational, just don’t ask me to agree.
He said he was happy and I accepted his word. I tucked my love for him in a safe place, relied on you to give him what I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, depending on whose perspective we use. (For what it’s worth, I say couldn’t.) If you could make up for the unhappiness I had caused him, I had to love you. Is this the insane part?
I shrugged off the rumors at first. When they were impossible to ignore, I decided it wasn’t my business. But you tossed your ugliness in my lap when you insulted him in my presence, tried to force me to criticize him, and flaunted your power to hurt him in my face. That safe place was not so far out of reach that I couldn’t get to the feelings I had tucked away. They rushed out of hiding when I looked at you and decided my worst was better than what you were doing. Okay, maybe I did hate myself for a minute, for leaving him in your path.
You’ve probably heard the same things I have – maybe even said them yourself. He’s a grown man, responsible for his own situation. Just between the two of us, though, we know how unfair that is. We know the truth. He loves like every person dreams of being loved – no conditions, no rules, no escape plan, and no scorecard – just forever. However wrong we make it, he works that much harder to right our mistakes. He doesn’t break. He doesn’t quit. He never blames.
Here’s irrational again – you knew. I doubt he would have told you, but am certain others did. You knew I had already hurt him more than he deserved in a lifetime. You were supposed to make up for my mistakes, not surpass them. You took on a big job and failed.
That love I had for you is not in a safe place.