Snack-aholics...Time To Get Physically Pffft!

      Psst!  Hey you!  Yah...you...and you and you and you.  Whatcha got there, friend?  Looks mighty good.  Got enough to share some with me?  Hi, room.  My name is Rob.  (You respond here, Hi, Rob.)  I'm a junk food junkie...just like you.  I know I have a problem...and I'm ready to tell the world...I DON'T CARE!  Gimme my goodies!  I can't live leave them alone...I won't live without them.  And many of you aren't much different than me.

      I did it to myself...and got to some of you, too.  Talking about hot dogs last night.  Where did I come up with that?  It wasn't bad enough I had to write a post about weenies, but I had to read some of the comments this morning and it got my ravenous cravings kicked in once again.  I want spicey brown mustard and chopped onions on a charred white hot in a New England roll please...make that two.  No, three!  Argh!  I read an E-mail and the gal who wrote is talking about making me cookies and mailing them...she makes three kinds and wants me to choose.  Don't do this to me...send some of all three!  Not to mention I bake a mean batch of several kinds of Grandma's old fashioned treats myself.  It's a holiday weekend on top of that and it's time to go wild eating all those tasty treats.  Lemme check out your picnic menu.  Yep...looks good to me.  I'll just have a dab of everything...from everyone.  I'm sure there will be tons of stuff to stuff my face with.

      Been there...done that...many, many times.  If you want to talk about a few extra pounds, I had lots to spare.  I rivalled circus elephants tipping the scales at 425 at my heaviest.  I put the rollie into pollie...two tons of fun plus.  Now I know why Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.  Our damned asses are so fat; we just roll.  Now you've got the real reason I didn't go to the beaches.  I got tired of people trying to push me back into the water.  They kept mistaking me for a beached whale.  I didn't have to put much effort into getting fat; all I had to do was put things in my mouth...sit and eat.  I didn't graze all that often, maybe once or twice a day, but it was always a marathon session when the feeding frenzy began.  Don't you just love to eat sometimes until you can't swallow another bite.  You like Thanksgiving.  I tried to make it a daily thing.

      I'd usually skip breakfast; just black coffee.  If I did have a meal to start the day, it was only because I didn't eat the night before.  I could kill a box of Cocoa Pebbles in no time...large mixing bowl, dump in a quart a milk, grab a spoon and I was good to go.  If I had eggs, it was a dozen sunny side up, half a pound of bacon, half a loaf of bread toasted, maybe half a pound of home fries as a side order.  Don't get me going on doughnuts.  If I had a box of them, consider half of them sacrificed...and not one got dunked.  I wasn't about to lose a bite in the bottom of my coffee cup.  A short stack of pancakes to me was 6 to 8 large ones drowned in good, old New York State maple syrup. 

      I loved the Mc Donalds Dollar Menu.  Yah, can I get me 10 Dollar Double Cheeseburgers, three Supersize fries, two apple pies and one cherry pie...and a small Diet Soda.  Yah, riiiiiiight!  Make that a Supersize strawberry shake, buddy.  Welcome to Luigi's Pizzaria...can I take your oder?  I'd like one of those 36 piece party pizzas, just double cheese, and a two liter bottle of cola with two dozen char-grilled wings; no sauce, crispy...and I'll start out with an appetizer.  Bring me a small tossed salad; no fat, light dressing.  Oh, forget it.  Make that an large antipasto with double house Italian on it.  I know they talked about me when I got up from the table and everything was gone...and no one had joined me to dine.  Good evening, Downtown Deli...pick up or delivery?  I want it brought to me...a three foot sub; ham and swiss, lettuce, tomato, onion, gobs of mayo, some oil dressing and throw in a pound of macaroni salad.  If you have any cheesecake, I'll take three slices...with strawberries.  Knock, knock, knock...Here's your order.  Where's the party?  Party?  Nobody here but me.  This is my dinner.  When All-You-Can-Eat buffets saw me coming; they locked the door and flipped the "Closed" sign over.  They knew I was good for two or three trips...to the salad bar alone.  Maybe half a dozen runs up to the entrees.  And probably a couple rounds at the dessert table along with soft vanilla ice cream and as many coconut macaroons as I could stuff into my pocket before they ran out.  Moo!

      I don't remember which play it came from, but there's a song I recall that starts, "Food, glorious food..."  or something like that.  You could tell what a cow I was when I'd rather eat certain things over having sex.  Put a large soft serve vanilla custard cone and a hot Hollywood starlet in front of me...and I was mounting that ice cream mountain, baby!  I'd lick that cone and make love to it as I savored every mouthful.  She won't melt and will still be there in 15 minutes.  Our locally grown, fresh Finger Lakes strawberries...just mash 'em up with tons of sugar, pour over an entire pound cake, empty a can of real whipped cream on it and stand back.  A Playboy bunny couldn't even get my attention then...I was focused. 

      I didn't have a scale, so I did see the numbers rise...except on the waistband of my pants.  Once I hit a certain size, there was no more clothes shopping at Wally World...it was off to Omar the tentmaker.  Why do you think the circus hired me?  They used my shirts as their big top.  I drew the line at wearing a wig and being a side show attraction...the fat lady.  I sure could see the size rise...and I knew the weight was way up.  200-250-300-400...topping off at 425.  I still got around; wasn't winded...I never could run in the first place.  It hit me one morning when I got out of the shower.  Tubby, Tubby, two by four; couldn't fit through the bathroom door.  *Shudder*  NOT a pretty sight!  I looked at myself in the full-lenght mirror on the back of the door...and parts of me hung off the side.  I was so big, all of me didn't get reflected back.  I looked down and saw stomach.  I couldn't see my feet...and they're size 16, so it's not like they're small and don't stick way out.  Hell, I hadn't even seen my winkie woo in awhile, either.  There were even stretch marks...all over...on my shoulders and knees.  My belly looked like I had already popped out three or four children; like a tiger had clawed it with all the vertical lines.  I had to do something...and do it now!

      I couldn't follow any of the diets on the market.  I needed something more drastic.  I had to devise my own weight-loss plan.  If I was going to be in control, I had to come up with something I knew I could stick to; especially with all the temptation out there.  I came up with a "Three Day Diet"...I ate only once every three days.  I knew I wouldn't be walking any more than I already did, nor would I be doing exercises.  I didn't want to give myself a heart attack...and I was allergic to sweat.  Once, every three days, I would fix myself one sandwich; usually bologna and cheese with mustard on white bread; with a handful of chips or corn twists or pretzels...and a small slice of cheesecake; plain.  That was my reward to myself for going three days without eating.  Then, I'd go three more days with no food...just so I could have another slice of that lucious cheesecake.  That creamy pie was what saved my life.  What had helped to get me fat in the first place was also assisting me in shedding all those pounds.

      I didn't notice much change in the beginning.  Yay!  I lost 2 whole pounds.  I'm down to 423.  How the hell do you even notice when you're that big?  My earlobes feel lighter.  I could have lost more just getting a hair cut.  That would be five pounds alone.  The progress was noted as my pants began to fall down.  Time it switch to a smaller pair.  That was a time being a pack rat came in handy.  I had saved all my old pants as I gained more weight...and was able to fit into them again as the fat melted away.  Here I am, eating twice, maybe three times a week at the most...and I'm losing two or three pounds.  Where's the results?  I want them faster.  It took awhile to put those pounds on; it's going to take just as long to take them off.  It was at least a year and a half to two years before those numbers went back to a more normal level.  400-300-250-200...and down to 175.  I had lost 250.  I refer to it as losing my "twin"...more weight than I weigh now.  People thought they were insulting me when they called me scarecrow, stick figure, bean pole, thin man.  Those were things I could eat up and not have to worry about them making me fat again.  I loved hearing those names. 

      I eventually had to admit maybe I was a little too skinny.  That sure beat having to realize I was the opposite.  More than one person told me I looked like a cancer patient with bones poking out and my face sunken in.  No offense meant to anyone who's battled that devasting disease.  My weight flucuates between 180 and 185 now.  I tried eating three meals a day, but found myself starting to bloat, so I've cut back to once per day now.  If I get closer to 185, I'll just skip eating a day.  One thing I have found out, though, is that I'm still a snack-aholic.  So many of us suffer from that and it's an on-going fight all of our life.  Sometimes we win; sometimes we win big!  

      Don't you get a certain amount of joy about being the first one to dig into that half gallon of ice cream?  Do your eyes light up when you find that box of Twinkies in the cupboard the kids didn't discover and devour?  How many times do you just feel overhwelmed with getting your hands on a piece of chocolate candy...ready to kill for some?  Chips anybody?  Betcha can't eat just one!  Where's that bag of Doritos...and tub of French onion dip?  Now, we've got a holiday weekend to contend with...and all the good things to eat that go along with it.  I guess we have to count our blessings it's not Thanksgiving or Christmas with all those rich tastes we toss down into our tummies then.  We're still working on getting rid of the year end expansions we went through.  Still, there's enough of a selection with a cook out.  Those hot dogs I mentioned last night, hamburgs, steak, skrimps, corn on the cob, baked beans, macaroni and potato salads, jello, cuppie cakes...and one of my favorites...ambrosia salad.  Oooh, I just turned myself on!  Whipped cream with white grapes, mandarin oranges, pineapple, marachino cherries and who knows what else thrown into it.  I don't care...gimme a bowl of that stuff.  

      Bet you're in the mood for a little snack right about now yourself, aren't you?  You at the office?  Hanging around the house?  In the library or a internet cafe?  There's gotta be something naughty around you really shouldn't have.  Look!  Just consider me the little devil on your shoulder.  Go ahead...do it!  Find something to munch on...NOW!  It's a holiday weekend.  That's our excuse and we're sticking to it!  Gives us all the right in the world to cheat and go for it.  We'll worry about the consequences later...unless nobody sees us and we get away with a little private pigging.  We the candy machine?  There's gotta be something in one of these cupboards.  The 'fridge..check the 'fridge; the freezer, too.  Ahhhhh...once a junk food junkie always a snack food freak.  I'm giving you advance notice; turn your head on those carrot sticks...I'm just kidding.  Why would I want to eat those when I can steal your candy bar.  Better keep your eye on that Butterfinger.