Author's note: This is the short synopsis I hope to include in the body of my query letter. I plan to write a longer, more detailed synopsis as well. Because this will go into a query letter it needs to be perfectly clear, compelling and sparkle with its edited perfection. SO hash away at it. I can use any help with this I can get. Thanks
Warning: If you are currently reading the novel, SubZero, (you know who you are - SD, DL & WG) and don't want the ending ruined, I suggest you DON'T read this.
SubZero
Beneath the surface of Denub Six an army of psychic children is trained for war.
Caleb, the Sub-zero, is the most powerful of the young soldiers.
A prodigy seeking retribution, SubZero will overthrow the Underground Military to escape his predetermined role as a tyrant.
Hunted down and captured by three military officers, twelve-year-old Caleb Mitchell is taken from the streets of New Washington on the colony planet of Denub Six. He is hidden in a training compound underground to learn how to use his psychic Focus ability with other psychic youths. Gifted from the onset, Caleb's powers even outshine those of the army's leader, General Powers. Fitted with cybernetic chips to increase his power, Caleb is immediately identified as the most powerful of all of human psychics and deemed the SubZero for his superior abilities. The general, ranked a One, takes the boy under his wing to personally train him in hopes that he will one day take his place as commander of the Underground Military (the UM). Caleb understands early on that everything the UM is doing is morally wrong. They force children to become anonymous killers, taking the cadets' identities and replacing it with obedience. They extinguish other races of intelligent beings, including peaceful species, to spread the human race to inhabitable planets. They even extort money from their own public by purporting to protect them from various threats. Each of these are crimes Caleb cannot forgive and he knows he is the only one willing and able to do anything about the situation. Treated as a commodity and used by the Military in horrendous fashion, SubZero vows to take down General Powers and his underground organization.
For four years, Caleb trains under General Powers, keeping his true level of Focus ability muted, so that the truth of his extraordinary talent is not fully realized. SubZero fools the general into thinking that he is an obedient prodigy prepared to follow in his tyrannical footsteps, until he is sent on a mission to exterminate a race of powerful psychics called Sanderrians. SubZero botches the mission and ends up on the "enemy" planet, only to eventually discover that his father is the emperor of Sanderra and he is destined to one-day rule these peaceful people himself. After devising a complicated plan, which requires he operate a robotic flying machine called a flyer with only his psychic abilities, Caleb returns to Denub Six to take down the entire UM as a one-man army of destruction. His scheme goes down with multiple hitches, but eventually the organization folds, General Powers is captured, and Caleb accepts his destiny as the future emperor of Sanderra.
This fast paced, science fiction adventure might be described as Card's novel, Ender's Shadow, meets the anime series, Mobile Suit Gundam.
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Comments: 16
I spent a lot of time reading about query letters. This is from www.bookends-inc.com/faqs.html - They are Literary Agency and this is their example;
A very brief synopsis of your book.
"Featuring amateur sleuth and the wine expert Nikki Sands, Murder Uncorked is the first in a proposed series set in California's wine country. When Nikki stumbles upon a body in Napa Valley, it isn't long before her nosiness gets the best of her. Now she's knee-deep in trouble and must find the killer before he finds her. In addition to a terrific cozy myster, I've incorporated wine-pairing suggestions with delicious wine country recipes."
It doesn't look like they are looking for plots but a summary of the action.
Which you have; SubZero
Beneath the surface of Denub Six an army of psychic children is trained for war.
Caleb, the Sub-zero, is the most powerful of the young soldiers.
A prodigy seeking retribution, SubZero will overthrow the Underground Military to escape his predetermined role as a tyrant.
Hope this helps some.
I'm no expert but this was my synopsis for RALADORE.
A young child of five, saved from Gestapo agents by a mysterious entity called Raladore, grows up to suspect her savior had a secret agenda. Twenty years later, as a police investigator, the woman eventually uncovers his identity and that he's dying. As a grandmother in her 70s she discovers she was deceived and that he's still alive -- and thankfully so because all Raladore ever wanted was to maintain the family line so he could marry his true love -- and he does when she's finally reborn after her untimely death 1200 years earlier.
Or at least that's what I recall as my synopsis.
Does it peak your interest?
Would it be better if I filled in all the details?
I got an agent to read the movie but they didn't option it.
Another nail in my coffin.
Thanks for reading. I don't think the three tag lines are enough, but maybe the 2 paragraphs are too long. What should I cut? This little synopsis doesn't cover the plot by a LONG shot - it covers the basics only. It doesn't even describe several of the major characters - the Three, Cliff, Jaln and Keterina - or any of the subplots, which I know it shouldn't. Is it the setting, motivations, or resolution that should be omitted, or should all of those things just be pared down? Do I want to leave it so vague they can't figure out what it's really about? Does that "tempt" them more? Or should I just leave out the details that to me are important, but because I can't figure out what is important to other people I have no idea what needs to go? Do you see my dilemma? Succinct is hard for me. Verbose I can do. I don't read minds. I don't understand what they are looking for. A thousand examples don't help me because those particular synopses are not about my particular story.
GRRRR.
I hate this process. I SUCK at it. That's why I don't do it and have 15 novels saved on my computer, 7 of them DONE and 1 pathetic attempt at a query letter somewhere in my ancient files. Yes, I can write over 1,000,000 words of fiction - no problem- but a 1,000 word query letter makes me feel sick to the stomach.
I'm just frustrated. I'm going on vacation now. See you all Tuesday.
On the plus side, you've got most of your short synopsis done already, and you're going to need one of those too.
Oh, and just because I'm paranoid - you do have all those novels safely backed up somewhere, right??? I say this because I can't believe how many people I know whose computers crash and they lose their books and stuff like that because they don't have things backed up.
I suck royally at this kind of thing myself. I hate it. I'd much rather be writing the book.
Throw your high-concept line in - the last one linking the novel and anime. That's a good move.
email me and I'll send you a query I send out.
Good luck.
This is why we HATE doing these darn things!
I'm having problems, too, re-write after re-write. So, take heart, you are not alone.
You've gotten many good comments already. I would only add the suggestion of maybe including just a snippet of dialogue with Caleb, something that would personalize and define this extraordinary young man, from his own mouth.
You're off to a great start !!!
might be described as Card's novel, Ender's Shadow, meets the anime series, Mobile Suit Gundam. - I'd take out the comparison. Most agents have said that it annoys them.
Other than that it looks good to me!
I didn't read your synopsis because I too am currently reading your book:) However, I do have a great resource for you... and anyone else who wants to check into it as well.
"Pub Rants" is a literary agent's ("Agent Kristen" is her alias) blog that has all the inside scoop on, among many many other things, what she (and, in turn, other agents) are looking for in a good query letter. I have provided the link to her August 2006 blog entries-- check out the three titled "Queries-An Inside Scoop". She's posted three actual query letters and provided a detailed breakdown of each.
There's also a whole lot of other great stuff there too-- and it comes straight from the proverbial horse's mouth. Agent Kristen has also included links to "other agents who blog" on her site, but I've found her's to be the most helpful. Hope this helps, and good luck!
http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2006_08_01_archive.html
Beneath the surface of Denub Six an army of psychic children is trained for war.
Caleb, the Sub-zero, is the most powerful of the young soldiers.
A prodigy seeking retribution, SubZero will overthrow the Underground Military to escape his predetermined role as a tyrant.
Hunted down by the military, twelve-year-old Caleb Mitchell is kidnapped from the streets of New Washington on the colony planet of Denub Six. He is sequestered in an underground training compound to learn how to use his psychic ability. Along with other psychic youths he is taught to Focus his power. Gifted from the onset, Caleb's powers begin to outshine those of the army's leader, General Powers.
Caleb, fitted with cybernetic computer chips to increase his power, is immediately identified as the most powerful of all the captured children and classified a SubZero Kenetic. The general, ranked a One Kenetic, takes the boy under his wing to personally train him in hopes that he will one day take his place as commander of the Underground Military (the UM). Early on, Caleb understands that most of what the UM is doing is morally wrong. They force children to become anonymous killers, taking the cadets' identities and replacing them with computer generated personalities and obedience training.
The UM goal is to extinguish other races of intelligent beings, including peaceful species, to spread the human race onto habitable planets. The UM even extorts money from their own civilian public by purporting to protect them from various contrived threats. Treated as a commodity and used by the Military in horrendous fashion, SubZero vows to take down General Powers and his underground organization.
Caleb trains for years under General Powers, keeping his true level of Focus ability muted, so that the truth of his extraordinary talent is not fully realized. He fools the general into thinking that he is an obedient prodigy, until he is sent on a mission to exterminate a race of powerful psychics called Sanderrians.
SubZero intentionally botches the mission and goes over to the other side. He discovers that his father, also a powerful Kenetic, is the emperor of Sanderra and that Caleb is now destined to one-day rule these peaceful people. After devising a complicated plan, which requires he operate a robotic flying machine with his psychic abilities, Caleb returns to Denub Six to take down the entire UM. Acting as a one-man army of destruction his brash scheme has multiple setbacks, but eventually the UM folds, General Powers is captured, and Caleb returns to a distant planet to accept his destiny as the future emperor of Sanderra.
With multiple subplots, twists and turns, betrayals and sacrifices, this fast paced, science fiction adventure might be described as Orson Scott Card's novel, Ender's Shadow, meets the anime series, Mobile Suit Gundam. Suitable for teen to adult readers the 90,000 word novel is brisk and well paced.
I'll promise to trudge through it, if you do. We'll get through it together.
Few specific comments, but when you try a synopsis on Sylum I will jump in.
I agree taking out the Ender meets Gundam comparison. What if an agent doesn't like one of those two or isn't that familiar -- bang, you're dead. You want yours to come across as a tale never told before.
Don't worry about cutting characters or plot twists. Keep to the basics. Keep to why your main character and story are fresh and unique.
The reason you want the comparison/high concept line is so that there's immediate recognition of what you're doing. Truly, there are no new stories. There are only new ways. That being said, a quest story is a quest story, but is it Star Wars or Monty Python. Giving the editor that will immediately put them in the mindset.
There are a lot of workshops at the conferences I go to trying to teach how to come up with a high-concept line. Movie titles work well, as do well-known pieces. Political figures, artists, sports figures, celebrities... something current, a modern cultural reference.
They'll get that anyway by reading the synopsis (hopefully, if you've done it right), so put it out there.
The manuscript should be showing not telling.
The synopsis should be telling not showing.
Tell them what the story is like. Intrigue them with the high concept line.
Here's my article on how to write a synopsis:
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977006603
And how to write a fiction query letter:
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977006591
THANKS A BUNCH!!!
Jamie
You seem to have covered all the points. It's simply too long for a query.
I agree with the others--the blurb at the beginning is nearly enough. Just add a few details and you've covered the high points. You'll submit a synopsis at the same time, right? So they're going to get all the details anyway.
Glad you had a good trip away and welcome back.