What Would You Do?

Talk to someone at some length. Spew out with no restraint all the worst feelings that you feel about this, no matter how shameful. Don't censor. Do this with someone who'll really listen and whom you can cry in front of and just let it out. Don't confuse this with validation for the feelings, but rather with validation for feeling them and getting past them.

That's what I do, at least.

When I was confronted with the hardest personal confliction, I woke up every morning and told myself/reminded myself of what I wanted to be like. I had an intense hatred for someone that I had to work very closely with. Every morning, I woke up and thought to myself, "Try to give her a chance today." By the end of two weeks, we were best friends. (That wasn't necessarily the best thing for either of us but I digress.) Re-affirming thoughts and positive reminders helped me....

Dance with my shadow and embrace the mirror-image of myself, this anger is really aimed at. Also, create some boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate in your circle...

I affirm with myself all day long "I am a good person" and don't judge myself for my feelings. Anger is okay if we work through and then let it go. Talk to a good trusting friend ~ tell them you just need to vent. I'm you would do the same for them. I always used to hear the saying in counseling ~ which I have been in for years!! :( Don't let someone (or thing) live rent free in your head! In my case, if I do I get (even worse) migraines!! Good question though!

I once let my emotions rule my world - I ended up kicking a chair instead of a person. Not a good idea, either. I crushed every bone on top of my foot because the chair did not give in to me at all. Four years have passed, I still have foot problems, although I have completely forgiven the person I was angry with, and myself. Funny thing, I no longer have that chair. But my foot is a constant reminder of how to respond without letting emotions take over.

Some things I have learned that may be helpful.

1. Count to 10. Don't react in anger, it will rebound. Stop the immediate response by breathing deeply. Give yourself time for a second or third response, it will be a better one.

2. I learned in my meditation group, "if you are angy, you are wrong." Wow, I still have a hard time with that one. It basically means there has been a misunderstanding or miscommunication and you may need to make an adjustment in your thinking (probably both of you, but take responsibility for yourself).

3. If someone continually vents to me, I am likely to avoid that person. I have enough of my own garbage to deal with! :-)) On the other hand, a second opinion can be a good thing once in a while.

4. Recognize your state of mind/body when you get angry. Are you overtired/depleted? Realize that it's probably better to talk about the problem when you are in a better state of mind/body.

5. Exercise to get the anger/adrenaline out of your body. Stress hormones can hurt you. When I had little kids I sometimes screamed into a pillow to get out my frustration on a bad day.

6. "Let go and let God" in prayer or meditation at the end of your day (or whenever you can).

I wish I remembered all these things at the times I feel mad.....over time I think I've improved, though.

Hang in there!

When I get angry (which isn't often) I get agree...plain and simple. It's a natural emotion under certain circumstances...I make no apologies for it. There is nothing goody-two-shoes about me. If you make me angry you will get an angry me...you won't soon go that route again. Political correctness means nothing to me...I'm a creature of impulse...so don't press the wrong buttons. Like I said I don't often get angry and this is because people know that I hold nothing back. I can be very nice and very patient with people, but, I can also be your' worst nightmare if my patience have run their' course. That's just my take on it.

Nothing goody about me either. I just didn't like myself afterwards, when I over-reacted.

If, as I believe, there are only Love and Fear, and I want live in love, then when I am in Fear, I have to act. If I feed my anger in any way, it can become a towering rage--very powerful, yes, but truly self-destructive.

I have taken action that will prevent my feeling of "being pushed around and bullied" on future occasions. What I want from life is to be able to look at the bully in front of me and see "Christ in all His distressing disguises." Fat chance, I know, but if I do not reach, I cannot grasp.

Ann, What justifies your anger?
What will alleviate it?
Can you expect help from others if you ask it?
Would others be as angry about what you are angry about?
Is the cause ongoing, or an already ended event?
Do you want revenge, or an end of the assaults?
Have Laws been broken?

Advice, respond appropriately, but don't retaliate. Dont allow anger to ruin your good judgment.

Ann, you have a good philosophy. How about more on bullying. That is a big one and usually lurking in the background of school shootings.

I like it that you've opened the anger can of worms. There are some great uses for anger - it's an amazing transformer when correctly calibrated and used with love.

Anger and hatred can only hurt the hater.
Anger and love = Tough Love / Mama Bear swatting her cubs up a tree NOW to make sure they're safe..../ teacher calling class out of disorder into order HERE NOW PAY ATTENTION......

Just check in with your anger. See whether it's poisoning you, or whether it might be helpful to the other person to say something like, "When you do or say such-and-such, I feel such-and-such. I'm NOT trying to change you - I'm trying to change ME."

In other words, you're expressing your feelings to the person instead of talking behind his/her back. That encourages more transparency, and may open a way for healthy intimacy.

Also check with your anger to see whether this current situation is echoing one or more incidents from your past. If so, then you can say - "Ah. This is MY drama pattern. I need to release this pattern, clear my subconscious, so I'm no longer projecting this "attacker" energy onto other people. YES. I can DO this!"

Karl L--Someone in authority infringed on my autonomy--My God-given right to be who I am. I probably don't have a "God-given" right to be who I am, but there it is. Was she a bully, or was I making things up in my head about what she was doing? She probably was a little bit of a bully, and I probably blew the situation out of proportion.

The problem is always in my head. The worse I feel, the more I can depend on it. I know that the only kind of "revenge" I can or will allow myself is to jump trough all the flaming hoops and get what I want in the way they want to give it to me.

Karl K--yeah, walking a mile in their shoes usually rubs a blister or two on my feet.

I don't think you can ask that question in a vacuum. I think that each case is different. As others have said I think you should talk about whatever the problem was. Talk to someone who will just listen. Only you can make the judgement as to whether your anger was justified or not. Sometimes listening to your own voice an give you the answer. I don't think we should shy away from anger. It is a normal healthy response but son't hang on to it. Peace. Moya

What would I do ?. . . Smack 'em. ; )

But seriously, if you're getting very angry, then something you really care about is being trampled, and you feel there is something you can do about it. This can be quite legitimate and appropriate, but if you're convinced something is wrong, it makes perfect sense to dig a little deeper to figure out what doesn't add up.

Personally, I used to get angry much more often than I do now, and it was the "can do something about it" part that seems to have been out of whack. I see much good in people, and care very deeply about them. But the reality is, that goodness I see is not recognized as valuable by most folks, who tend to see it as a form of weakness only suckers worry about. I was like a pacifist stuck in the Coliseum of ancient Rome, everywhere I looked I saw people spilling blood or cheering it on.

I can't stop that. I can sometimes get someone to stop, but I can't actually stop the whole thing. Seeing that more clearly seems to have taken the wind out of anger's sail.

I've done what falls in the Can Do column.

Now I have to work on forgiving the person who trampled on something I care very deeply about--my autonomy. That part is not so easy. The person represents something much larger and much worthier of my anger, but not at the expense of my physical health or my spiritual wellbeing.

Thank you all for your responses. I have learned from every one. Pax vobiscum.

I agree with Charles. Something made me extremely angry (late last night, or early this morning, depending on who is speaking). I unloaded it on my friends first, because I knew they would understand my anger and help me decide on a rational course of action.

I think anger is healthy, when used properly. It raises my blood pressure high enough to keep me alive. It produces adrenalin in case I need to protect myself. And, it forces me to take a good look at the things/people that anger me and decide how I should deal with them. It isn't always wise to walk away or ignore problems.

The creatures of impulse might be the ones that worry me.