I never planned on being an alpha female, it just ended up that way. Once I started my own business, my confidence grew as did my friends base. I do not know why or officially when I was voted as the Alpha of the group, but it happened. And, sincerely, there are many days, that by the end of it, my mind is so tired all I can think is, "I am not making any more decisions today, it is someone elses turn." I am sure there are many people, male and female, who can commiserate with that feeling.
Interestingly though, put me in front of my mother, and I turn belly-up - a beta female. Although there are things that I didn't like about her mothering concepts, it is an innate tradition to never disrespect the mother. Why is that? I respect her for bringing me into the world. I respect her for raising me to the best of her ability. I respect her for giving me a strong mind and a soft heart. I respect her.
However, shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on being "just the daughter." At what point, can I ask the "whys." Why did we (my brother and I) not hear "I love you" very much? Why were there not many hugs? Why did you allow my stepfather to stay eight more years after his one time fiasco with me? Why do you ask me now if everything was alright then. Why do you tell me now, "I love you, but I don't like you." Why do you remember the bad parts of my life, but not appreciate who I have become?" I guess it sounds as though I'm back to the terrible-twos with all the "whys," but I've only recently thought about these things.
I want to say, "NO, it was not alright then, and it's certainly not alright now." I want to ask why she didn't protect me - and perhaps she thought she was. There is no way I can know exactly why she felt she had to do what she did, unless I ask her. And, I suppose I am keeping my mouth shut out of respect. Or is it because I do not know that I could talk with her as an adult, and would revert back to a serious two-year old tantrum.
However, I want to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her how I really feel, as an adult, but that's a decision I keep putting off. Guess the statute is not quite up yet, and perhaps it's a good thing. I'm strong enough to keep my feelings to myself, whatever the costs to my emotional bank. I don't have to or need to be alpha all the time. So much time has passed, I guess if I were to speak my mind, the only person I would be helping (possibly) is myself - and what's the use in that?