The Value of Privacy

Some people just don't know when to close their mouths

I am a believer that if I share something, in confidence, with another person...I should be able to trust that it stays between that person and myself. I feel the same way when the table is turned. I would never share a private matter of any sort that anyone trusted me with.

#1 - It's not anyone's place to share it with anyone else.
#2 - It would damage the relationship, no more trust.
#3 - It changes the way a person is viewed by others when they gossip.
#4 - Do to others as you'd have done to yourself.

But Jean, life is all about taking those risks, and age and wisdom teach you who to trust. So telling that person wasn't necessarily a bad thing (only in hindsight) if it makes you more careful about who you tell things to in the future! As Ben Franklin once noted: "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead." This sort of thing has happened to me many times, as late as a couple of weeks ago -- and I'm 50! So live and learn, but mostly, live! You can only hope that people guard your thoughts and secrets as assiduously as you do, and you will no doubt learn to choose whom you're going to share the really important stuff with all along.

amen to all three comments so far.

All things, once shared, are also given. We hope the delicacy, intimacy, secrecy, privacy . . . of a shared moment or memory or thought remains as precious or sacred to the recipient as to ourselves, but the reality is we have no way of knowing. Once we share we give the recipients the inate right to do with as they choose. We might not agree, but we've already given . . .
The lesson, perhaps, is to share carefully; yet knowing that, even then, we are not assured as too many broken relationships resulting in countless exposed private moments demonstrate.

I also have given things . . . including all you have mentioned. I always thought I could get back any thing I really valued. I had thought this a male mentality but time has shown this to be wrong. I think, now, women are generally more giving. In 1991 . . . I walked away from every worldly posession I ever owned . . . concerned only to safeguard my children and begin a half decade of legal wrangling to win custody of my three boys. Things are nothing.

Privacy? Comes and goes. Never leave your integrity. You can recover from everything else.

Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~

Previously I was rotten at this. But as I learned to listen to peoples pain and become the person speakng, I found their privacy was mine. Mine to keep and hide, to cherish and hold. I now skirt issues by saying, "It's not mine to share, if they want you to know, they will tell you." I hope they know that I will do the same for them

I would have to say at this point in my life nobody in the world can keep a secret and if you tell just ONE person expect everybody to know.
The fact that you share something proves how hard it is to not tell anyone and then this person has that same burden.

Spartan, I thought you were delivering pizzas?

You just have to know who you can tell and who you can't. I can tell my best friend anything private and know it will be kept confidential. Anyone else, I weigh what I have to say and reveal only what I want them to know...they don't get the full story like Scott does.

Mike - so private should remain in our minds? Sad, but I guess true.

I am an extremely private person and have been blessed mostly with friends who would not presume to tell my 'private things' to anyone else. However, my ex-husband consistently did this. Consequently, I never shared anything with him again. Note the 'ex' in the description.

I'm probably not the person to be addressing this. My belief is sharing with another is sacred and should be treated as such. But, sadly, some people have no boundaries and perhaps this person was never taught the value of privacy and the natural (or should be) boundaries about sharing another person's privacy with a third person.

You can tell this is a very touchy topic for me. Many people tell me their private thoughts and desires. It is in the nature of who I am. Even if I don't even like the person, I would never reveal anything they told me to someone else.

I suppose it is important to make it clear to another that what you are sharing with them is for them only and not for broadcast news... Some people really just don't get it and it has to be pointed out.

Hope this helped and didn't just become my personal rant ;)

I think only with age do we learn to value other people's privacy and honor confidentiality. I suppose after we have been wronged enough and have felt the consequences of betrayal, the true meaning of privacy and confidentiality are known.

Sandra - you are like the "bartender of secrets" ya? people tell you things you really don't need to know - j

Nana - this gentleman is 47 - and he was sharing our personal life with another person.......I guess 47 is not old enough, or else he is not mature enough.......thnx for the comment.

Miles - it seems delicacy has deteriorated - at least for today.........however, as Scarlett said, there is always tomorrow....

Terry - that is very adult and manly of you......very.

hmmmm 'bartender of secrets' huh? Well, I've been called a lot of things but don't recall that one. hahahaha Truthfully, yes, some of what people tell me, I'd rather not know but most of it kind of goes in one ear and out the other. There are those things that should be reported to the authorities and I will warn the person that this is exactly what I am going to do. I honestly think that's why they told me in the first place.

What a crazy world, huh?

Jean, you really need to sit that man down and have a talk with him about boundaries and privacy.

Privacy with no risks must remain within ourself. If we choose to share there is always going to be a risk!! Just like I love the saying for myself "I would rather have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. " ~ and sincerely mean it!

Like others here, I am a very private person and becoming more so as the years pass. The betrayals I've experienced from friends and lovers have led to this complete closure. It's sad but necessary.

I am a private person and I don't share to much information with to many people. Those I do share with I trust not to share with anyone else. I hope they don't betray me.

I have learned, sadly, that one place where it is essential to maintain one's privacy is in the workplace. I keep confidences; most people do not. If I do not want to become the subject of gossip and rumor, I keep my private life private.

*ponders*

I've had very few secrets, so it doesn't occur to me to be upset if someone doesn't keep a confidence. I'll blame it on my childhood :-P

One would expect a trusted friend to keep a private thing private. The only thing would be if he didnt realize he was being trusted with something that was private, and that you wanted it to reamins that way. I hope he realizes now the err of his ways.

We can't keep ourselves locked out from everyone else and really live. We need those people we can trust to share things with. I'm sorry the person you know broke that trust - but, don't give up on everyone else. We shouldn't keep it all locked away.

Jean;

there is an old saying...

"three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead".

In my own heart, a private moment, thought, feeling, desire, act or statement that is never shared has NO value.
AND a person, be it friend or lover, parent or child, neighbor or classmate, who can share those without assuming the rights to them is beyond valuation. . .

Geez, if you have an enjoyment of giving " THINGS " , maybe I could bring you some joy by accepting your generosity. LoL LoL

I have learned over the years to redirect anyone asking me personal questions about someone I know to go ask the person if they want to know. I have learned to have a mental list of who I can trust. My husband is on the top of that list. Not only does he forget I asked him not to repeat it, he forgets 40% of what I said and fills in the gaps with things I never heard before. We don't ever have that problem since I realized his memory for non technical stuff is teflon.

It's a hard place to be and painful when someone betrays you. You need to decide if you want to keep the friendship enough to just avoid telling confidences in the future. What the betrayal was and to who told will be the deciding factor in that one.

One friend I have told me not to tell her confidences because she knows she can't keep a secret so I don't. We are good friends as I always remember she is radio free Rosemary. :)

Did you confront him yet about what he did? It's a big betrayal to have someone talking about you, and possibly making fun of something important to you, behind your back. It happens to me all the time with my acquantances. I have learned to keep things on the surface mainly until I know I can trust someone.

I meant to say my husband is on the top of the list I can not trust to tell things. He just tends to get things all confused. It was a good article and you make some very good points. You are right sometimes the things that mean the most we can't get back like privacy.

I'm with you, Jean, and I sincerely hope you are wrong, too.

This really made me think.... If there is something very private, I tend to keep it to myself. It does take me a while to open up to people, and I've aired private thoughts with certain friends who have reacted in a way that made me wish I really hadn't! I find it easier to air my thoughts online in places where I'm unlikely to be 'talking' to anybody who knows me in my day-to-day, physical life. I no longer see the keeping of private thoughts to myself as a bad thing - there are some things that other people just don't need to know, and I would gain nothing from telling them.

Oh boy...didn't mean to make that sound as terrible as it seems! :o)

Unless you have complete trust in others and have NEVER used a credit card, privacy is not what it used to be.
A woman I consider a close friend just told me yesterday that she's going to share even less of her life with me.
She doesn't want me to comment on how I feel about her leisure time activities.
I guess friendship isn't what it used to be either.

I am sorry your privacy was betrayed like that.

Looks like I'm far from the only person who values privacy. And to answer some of the questions, yes the person has been confronted, Sarbjit - what you said does not sound bad at all, Mike, no, so in this case it wasnt worth it, Douglas, next time I'm passing out cars I'll put you on the list, Faith - turns us into to introverts, doesn't it?
Guess the bottom line is I trusted someone too soon. We shouldn't have to weigh things out like that - but it is a necessity if something is important to us. The "things" - not important - thoughts and feelings - no words can explain the value.
Thanks for reading and commenting - I was hoping I wasn't too emotional about the incident. j

Trust is very hard to earn and even harder to get back once it is lost. Thanks for sharing!!

If I want what I say kept confident I tell the person that. If they then tell the thought to someone else I can't really trust them. But, if I don't first tell them to keep it confident and they don't, then only I am to blame.

Someone once told me "You can't un-ring a bell." I try to remember that in my interactions with people. I judge not only if I can trust the person I'm talking to, but whether whatever private thing I have on my mind to tell will damage our relationship. Sometimes I judge correctly, sometimes not. But If I tell someone someithing about myself, I figure I've given it away, and it is private no more.

Great thoughts everyone - another friend of mine says "we all start out with A+'s, what happens then is on a day to day basis."

Friendship and risk is a balancing act, and privacy is a hard thing to juggle. Sometimes privacy is betrayed by accident - you telling something you meant to keep secret, or someone else sharing your secret accidentally. Friendship is what determines how you respond after betrayal - is the friendship worth the pain? But life without friendships is also pain.

I have had to learn the hard way myself and have found it is better not to expect something to remain private once shared.

There is an old saying, "when everybody in the room tels you you are crazy, believe them."
It seems to me that a private moment is "unwitnessed." If you share that unwitnessed moment, it is no longer private.
Jean tells us that she shared a private moment with a friend, and the friend shared it with others. Does that not mean that Jean's friend believes Jean has many friends and that they share friends?
When you report a private moment to a friend, it is not private anymore.

Karl - that is the sad-bottom line.........but it shouldn't be that way - IMHO. And, it was my fault for trusting someone too soon. I suppose I just want every person to value something - at least the intimate moments - the ones where you open your mind, and let someone know who you really are, not what they want to see. j

Everybody needs space and privacy is one element. If you don't respect the privacy of others, you are unlikely to build trust.

I think that privacy is extremely important for reasons of trust and intimacy.

The only reason for sharing something private would be if it involved something that would be dangerous to the sharer or to another person, such as if the secret involved someone attempting suicide or arranging for another's mame or murder.

Trust shown when sharing a sharing a private moment is a gift to the recipient. If the recipient does not appreciate this gift, its value, then their value decreases. You are brave to trust, wise to learn a lesson, but do not become sceptical.

This topic has very obviously touched many, many people and it speaks to a difficult question. However, nowhere in what you said, or in the comments posted, did you, or anyone else say that you had not asked your "friend" to KEEP the matter private. I do feel that a confidence made to another, and then a request to keep it confident should be respected. If you asked the person to keep it private and the person did not, then that person is obviously not one in whom you should have confidence to respect those matters that you want to keep private. This is true even though you have removed one layer of privacy by telling the person about the matter in the fist place. However, if you ASSUMED that the matter you discussed was one that you wanted your confidant to keep private and did not expressly request that person to maintain your privacy, then perhaps the lapse in judgment was yours as well as the confidant's. There may be some matters that pepole do not consider worthy of keeping private because those persons don't consider them important enough to keep private in their own lives. Thus, they disclose matters that you told them without weighing your feelings.

Peter - I responded privately as to the nature of the conversation - I hope you will understand once you read. However, private thoughts and emotions are private. If one shares them in an intimate moment, I believe (no humble opinion) those thoughts should stay between the two people involve.
regards to all and glad this conversation has provoked so many sincere responses. Jean

Jean, private thoughts shared with another is your discussion and onces you share it should become their private thought only to be shared with the one who gave it to them. It all centers around trust---respect---and once it is violated that person no longer can be trusted with anything...Nothing hurt a person ego as much as hearing a private thought come back to you from a third party and having to explain or pull the denial card and hope it soon will pass over. When you get older you learn to trust less and less. You I would trust---you value it to highly to betray it....

Well, I think I know which "Ron" this is......stop changing your name~~~!!! However, you are exactly right - trust - such a precious word - and so easily fragmented. Thank you much for responding. j

Thanks for raising a question that has touched so many people. I hope you are able to learn to lesson you were meant to and please don't give up on everyone because of one person. Yes, I think you have it, it's all about getting to know someone well enough to know when to trust them with information. I too think it's extremely important to let the person know what you're telling them you desire to keep to themselve. If they don't feel comfortable with such a request they shouldn't be told the information.

Taking risks means something has chances to go well. if one knows, expect that it will go wrong rather than well, is not a risk any more, it is sucidal ...
In this advanced age of comuunication one has to rethink about one's privacy. Nobody needs to know everything about you. Either will be bored or use it against you. Serve a beautified story it is also boring and waste of time. I would say things about myself only in a muthified form and for good money, as a published author!
Saying in public private things of other people not only is of very bad taste, not only makes you loose your friends, but it should have also legal consequences, invade and destroy other people's privacy!

Marianne - you addition was quite nice - communication is not only a part of life, but 100% necessary - it's the private ones that I worry about, you know the "don't tell anyone, but." things. Perhaps we should all take privacy a little more seriously (myself included) because sometimes what we say can hurt someone else without our meaning to.
Thank you very much for the comment.......will reciprocate shortly........j

Alkistas - I agree 100% - and I've not posted the actual issue - other than a matter of privacy. It was actually much worse than I portrayed. Thank you for taking time out of your day to comment on this. Regards, J

It does, Marianne - you know who you can trust - pretty simple.....thanks for connection........j

For me, privacy is something that I expect to be respected, whether it's my private thoughts, private time, private information etc. When I share something with someone that I don't want spread around, I am very careful about who I share it with---I must have a gut trust in the person---and I usually tell him/her "I'd rather you didn't mention this to anyone else", but I am generally confident that the person I told wouldn't have told anyone else even if I didn't ask them not to. Some people seem to lack an awareness or sensitivity to the boundaries of privacy and private things.
This man with whom you shared your private moment sounds like he lacks this awareness. He betrayed you in two ways, the way I see it, by sharing what you told him with others, but also by the way he shared it, making fun of it. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't keep him in my life.
As Juan Martinez said, trust must be earned and reearned if it gets broken. Unfortunately there are disrespectful and dishonest and hurtful people in the world, so we must take our time getting to know others, staying aware of their behavior around and in relation to us and to others, and listen closely to what our feelings and intuition tells us about the people who are in our lives and the new people who come into our lives.
I'm sorry you had this experience, Jean. It hurts when someone we thought was a friend is disrespectful and hurtful in the way this man was.

Looks as though everyone is in agreement....~j

The only time I would break a confidence is when it would harm that person or another.

To be given something in confedence is stating that you value that person and are TRUSTING them. That is what FRIENDSHIP is. And too many don't seem to understand that. Most fights are brought on by competition and wanting to be noticed.

Have a good day.

Blessings

I believe a private thought or word is just that...private. It should remain that way.
If you choose to open up with someone with a private thought and they don't keep it. Than I would not open up to them again.