My G: Why I Gather/ Why I Don't Gather

I haven't been participating much lately, I'll admit. So why am I writing this article now? I figure maybe if I participate in My G, I'll remember all the reasons I like to write and go back to writing. First, though, I want to explain why I suddenly stop writing and participating in things sometimes - even things that I love very much, like Gather.

Why I Gather 

I joined Gather when I learned about it through a website called BzzAgent, in June of 2006. I didn't start participating, however, until I sent in a music writing sample for the Correspondent program. It was one of those things I kept intending to do, but never getting around to. 

When I was hired as a Music Correspondent, I strarted reading the site and commenting on articles, and writing my own articles on a variety of topics. I made friends and connections. I was hooked. I kept Gathering because I loved that interaction, that sense of community. I joined groups, and made some groups of my own. I started doccumenting my weight loss, publishing some of my short stories and poems. I  created a roleplaying game group, even.  Gather became the place I wrote, talked to people online, and played games. I thought Gather was the best thing ever! I was engaged and enthusiastic. Gather was a lot of fun.

Why I Don't Gather 

Somewhere along the line,  I also discovered that Gather had a lot of problems. There were glitches in articles and picture uploading, factions within the community, and all sorts of arguments over various things.

In other articles I've written, I've touched briefly on the fact that I have post traumatic stress disorder. Part of this is that I have a tendancy to get anxious about things, and for that anxiety to fuel avoidance. This is not always in relationship to how stressful an activity is - sometimes even things I enjoy doing very much (like writing) trigger the anxiety response. In turn, this creates the avoidance response. A lot of things that seem easy to most people are very anxiety producing for me - even things that I'm having fun with, like writing, roleplaying, traveling, and socializing.  They get quickly overwheleming, and my response is to withdraw.

 
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

This is taken from a website, but I wanted to include this, because it's worded much better than I could word it - these are the three symptom clusters at worh with PTSD.

Intrusion: Since the sufferers are unable to process the extreme emotions brought about by the trauma, they are plagued by recurrent nightmares or daytime flashbacks, during which they graphically re-experience the trauma. These re-experiences are characterized by high anxiety levels and make up one part of the PTSD symptom cluster triad called intrusive symptoms.

Hyperarousal: PTSD is also characterized by a state of nervousness with the patient being prepared for "fight or flight". The typical hyperactive startle reaction, characterized by "jumpiness" in connection with high sounds or fast motions, is typical for another part of the PTSD cluster called hyperarousal symptoms and could also be secondary to an incomplete processing.

Avoidance: The hyperarousal and the intrusive symptoms are eventually so distressing that the individual strives to avoid contact with everything and everyone, even their own thoughts, which may arouse memories of the trauma and thus provoke the intrusive and hyperarousal states. The sufferers isolate themselves, becoming detached in their feelings with a restricted range of emotional response and can experience so-called emotional detachment ("numbing"). This avoidance behavior is the third part of the symptom triad that makes up the PTSD criteria.

 So at the point I was at, the stressful things about Gather were outweighing the positives. I wasn't looking forward to logging on to Gather every day - I was dreading it. Who would be fighting about what today? Who would be putting who down? How many unread mails would I have to sort through? How many times would I have to upload them before my images worked?  Gather was a source of anxiety. So I did what I tend to do with stress - avoided it.

 And there is a lot of other stress in my life - the kids are getting into academic and behavioral trouble, and one of my brothers is moving, and the finances aren't good because Aus's work neglected to pay him for four of his vacation days. So I try to avoid as much additional stress as I can, because I can't avoid any of these things.

Why I Will Gather

I want Gather to be My G again, to provide me with something positive and comforting and kind, instead of being another worry. So I figure I need to work on my side of the relationship by posting things and participating again.

I want to get my love of Gather back. I want to remember all those things I enjoyed about Gather when I first got here - get my second wind, and stop having all this anxiety related to the site and publishing my work here.  I am going to try to publish something every day again - whether it's a story, a poem, a picture or an article.

I will try to read and comment on at least a couple of articles a day. Hopefully, the spark will come back and I will feel happy and excited about being here again.