As those of you who read this article know, I recently went to visit my Dad, who's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's ....and who, because of problems with his second wife, I haven't seen in about 15 years. We had a good visit... but on the way home, I couldn't help but think about how incredibly nasty Alzheimer's is... I've just been through it with my mother in law and the fear, the complete and utter loss of dignity... it is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And so, as I was driving - and thinking - and crying - the thought crossed my mind that it would be kinder - better - if his other health concerns took him before he gets to the point where B. can't take care of him alone anymore. (I'm more than 3 hours away, so as much as I wish I could help, I just can't be there enough to take the pressure off of her.... )
 I'm not ready! I didn't mean it!
 Logically, I know that my thinking doesn't have a damn thing to do with anything.... but he was rushed to hospital by ambulance today, and is having a blood transfusion now to replace the blood he's losing through as yet undetermined internal bleeding; he's scheduled for a scope and additional testing and....
I'm not ready! I didn't mean it!
It's too late to go there now - visiting hours would be over by the time I got there... but I so want to just get in the car and go. Could drive down and meet my sister and go with her tomorrow, but think I'm going to take my own car and just go so that I can stay over in Niagara Falls tomorrow... I don't have a class until 7 p.m. Monday.
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Comments: 16
I wonder if he feels like I'm shutting him out
definitly don't drive alone driving while in emotional distress can be almost as dangerous as driving drunk. We don't need you to die!
I really could have used some down time between her death and his diagnosis :(
Of course you're not ready. We are NEVER ready. And perhaps he'll pull through and be just fine for a while longer. Let's be happy you got to see him before this happened, in a quieter and more peaceful setting. I'm glad you went.
Now, be sure you drive with your husband. Being upset is a catalyst for poor concentration on the road, and you don't want to cause or be in an accident. Let your husband minister to you the way you ministered to his mom. I'm sure it will make him feel better, too. ;o)
I realized last night that having him along would make it easier for me to not let on how very, very angry I am about those lost years... and that now, when it is in many ways, too late - and when I really haven't had time to regroup after Doris .... I'm being allowed.... asked.... to step up again....and with the 3 hours/each way drive as an added ~bonus~ no less.
Like you I had an awful thought about 2 months before my mother passed. She had Congestive Heart Failure and had started to deteriorate so badly that she was defecating in her bed on a regular basis. The humility and embarassment she felt was easily seen in her tearful eyes. She thanked me over and over again, and all I could do was jokingly tell her, "Hey, I owe you a couple since you changed my diapers for years!" Don't know if she took it the right way or not; stress can make you say the darndest things!
As she lost her sight, one of her greatest fears, I wished her relief from her painful and humiliating journey, (Note: not saying you must see to be useful, mostly relating to her loss of bladder and bowel function coupled with her immobility and episodes of breathing trouble), and like you immediately took it back. When I saw her the morning she passed, she was so scared of dying. There was none of the wanting to end the suffering in her; she wanted to live. I can still see her face; grey, tired and weak with tears in her eyes.
When she finally passed, I felt "relief." I miss her daily more than words could ever say, but she was constantly struggling to perform living, from breathing to eating and just sitting up. These emotions are just as hard on the caretaker. Keep strong and get rest. Don't become an island. Cry with those you feel comfortable with and get ready for the ride. Take care and God Bless!
No real news from the hospital yet.... they postponed the scope til Wed. but B. has no clue why or what's going on .... I hate not being in direct contact with the doctors myself!
Dad was happy to see me, and to finally meet hubby .... didn't seem to have any memory of last week's visit, but that's not at all unexpected.
His hemoglobin is extremely low - up some after transfusion last night but "not enough" ... but no word on what they're going to do about it, if anything.
Time will tell, I guess.
talked to B today....waste of time mostly; not like she's got any real information. But trying to be supportive, if nothing else.