Until recently, my children's father carried the insurance for the kids. It was a complete nightmare, because of the HIPPA privacy laws, I was unable to have any say in their doctor or insurance. Their father would not give me a copy of their cards, and the insurance carrier,by law, could not discuss my children's claims, benefits or switch primary care physicians. He is not actively involved with the children, so it became a difficult task to take the kids to the doctor. It was the only way that their father contributed financially to the children, so I was reluctant to take over the benefits.
He had the children assigned to a doctor that was not very good. It was in a run down building, the staff was rude, and the wait in the germ infested waiting room was terribly long. It was one of the few doctors that accepted medi cal, and it felt like a free clinic. I know that the doctor is doing a service for those that can't afford better, but we were paying quite a bit for these benefits.
Dr. Charles M was a small built man, and had a nasty tempermant. I did not enjoy taking the kids there. There were several times that we saw the nurse practioner, who was much better. There was a couple years that we did not even see doctor M. My children did not get sick much and when they did, we saw someone else in the office.
You could imagine my surprise, when we walked in for what i thought may be strep throat for my daughter, and Dr. Charles M as now Dr. Carol M. She had long hair, breasts, nice nails, and was very feminine, but clearly a transgender. I played it off like nothing was different, but i bet my eyes were bugged out. When the doctor left the room for a few moments, my daughter said that she thought her doctor was a man. I flat out lied, and said no that it was a woman and always had been. I treated the doctor with respect, and asked questions about my daughter's health.
Now, I am very open minded about people's sexuality. I do not consider myself homophobic, and feel strongly that gays, lesbians, and transgenders should have equal rights. This has tested my beliefs. I did not feel comfortable trying to explain a transgender to my 11 year old daughter yet. Not that there is something terribly wrong with it, but it was a discussion that I didn't feel that she was ready for. Her father is gay, but has not come out to her yet. He has recently to my son, who is sixteen. He actually told him in a text message, and did not discuss it any further with him. My son is having a difficult time with it. He has refused to see this doctor.
At open enrollment at my work, I added my children to my insurance. I chose a different doctor that a friend recommended. The office is clean. The staff is friendly and fun, and the doctor treated my daughter with respect. She felt like a princess when she visited the new doctor. It wasn't the transgender alone that made me uncomfortable, because there were other factors in my decision. How would you feel in this situation?
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Comments: 31
Today's world is pretty confusing sometimes...even for me. I can only imagine what that was like for your kids. Sounds like they have plenty going on in their lives. I think you made a very good choice about changing doctors. However... I'd still make their dad pay for the medical care.
Matt, I don't think I would be successful in getting him to pay for the benefits. He just quit a job to duck out of child support. I am afraid that I take care of these things by myself by the skin of my teeth.
"He had the children assigned to a doctor that was not very good. It was in a run down building, the staff was rude, and the wait in the germ infested waiting room was terribly long."
To me the issue of transgender is moot, as there was nothing about the doctor or the medical clinic that you liked well before Dr. Charles Milazzo became Dr. Carol Milazzo. You can now tend to your children's health in all way having them on your insurance and you found a doctor and medical clinic that sounds wonderful. I would have done exactly the same thing you did. You made a great choice, Sue. :)
I don't know the situation between you and your ex, but with the HIPPA laws, you can obtain permission from your husband, with something that he'd sign for the insurance company (if he'd do it) that would give you access and input to the medical records of the kids - also, since you're the primary custodial parent, it seems like you ought to have had the most input as to which Dr. they saw in the first place. Though if he wouldn't cooperate with you, then you're really stuck unless you take over their insurance.
The first part really bothered me, the dirty office, etc's.... but the transgender part didn't, or wouldn't have if the Dr. had been one that you liked and trusted beforehand. I wonder if you can still have your Ex pay for the insurance that you're now paying for based on the fact that he chose a Dr. who has a dirty office, etc's when there should be more than one choice available. Good luck,
Marilyn
I was not able to get him to sign for my permission to access their medical information. I tried repeatedly. I tried many different methods to obtain authorization, but was denied. I would have switched them to my insurance earlier, but it was the only source of support from him. I did not look forward to the benefit costs being deducted from my check, but in the best interest of the children I was forced to take the insurance over. Thank you for your comment.
You are talking about three different issues here, so I'll address them separately.
The Rude Doctor: I wouldn't put up with it. However, if you since you let your ex be responsible for providing health care for your children, you don't really have much say. If you take the responsibility, then you can say "no way." Now that you've taken that step, you have been able to switch and if you are happy and your kids are happy, then it's a good thing.
A Dirty (Germ-Infested) Office: I've worked at clinics and hospitals for many years. Doctors who don't take MediCal patients (or whatever state-subsidized insurance program) have waiting rooms that are just as germ-infested as the ones who serve poorer people. They don't have germs for financially-secure people that are better than the germs financially-challenged people have. EVERY doctor's office waiting room is germ infested if he deals with contagious sick people. Now, if it is dirty because the floors haven't been vacuumed, the counters have goo on them, etc., that needs to be brought to the attention of the staff and again, if you are providing the insurance, you should pick another doctor.
Transgender Doctor: I think this is an issue you really need to address with Dr. Milazzo even though you have switched. You could do it very nicely. I have to tell you, the overall tone when you talk about him and your husband, the office, and your discomfort with talking to your daughter leads me to believe you are a little more homophobic than you want to admit. That's okay, you know? This is a new thing for many people in today's society. But, Dr. Milazzo can't just expect every family that comes to him to accept his new gender outright and I think it was a little naïve that they don't have some sort of procedure in place to explain to patient's who haven't been in since before the change to come in and not be surprised or whatever. On the other hand, did you tell him up front what you are doing about your sexuality these days? In a way, I can see why he wouldn't have addressed it with you before he saw your child.
Your lying to your daughter is sad. You basically have told us being dishonest is much better than being transgender. We live in a world of gay, bisexual, transgender, and unmarried heterosexual people that children from conservative homes hear about all the time. Hopefully, after you got over the surprise you realized you could talk to your daughter. A mother SHOULD be able to talk to any child about any situation that child comes up against. You don't have to give her details. What you could have said, to deal with it, had you not been so taken aback was "Dear, this is a whole new Dr. Milazzo. Her name is Carol Milazzo." Then, when you got home, if she had further questions, you could have dealt with them then. And, you WILL have to deal with this, so you need to figure out what you want to say. Your daughter will hear what you say and then make up her own mind anyway. That's what kids do. She may act in an acceptable way, accepting your judgments on things while she is growing up with you. But, the whole time she is becoming her own person and will decide for herself. Hopefully, your husband not having anything to do with your kids won't shape their ideas of what gay people are like. I've known so many wonderful gay parents and so many crappy heterosexual parents that I think it would be a shame for your kids to get the wrong idea, that being heterosexual makes you "okay."
So, you asked and I gave you my opinions on this. You may want to do some internet research on studies done by Milton Diamond on gender roles. Maybe if you understand the issue more, you can help your children deal with it when the issue comes up again AND you may be able to even help your son deal with his dad. You are right, there are lots of other issues to deal with when the dad abandons the children, but if you have can handle one of those issues better, you've made the whole easier to deal with too. Plus, your son will most likely have to deal with his own gender identification/roles because he is his father's son and kids sometimes thinks that means they are like the parents, whether good or bad.
Good luck and good for you for taking it over. I raised my kids without help precisely because I didn't want them to be tied to someone who made them feel like a burden. It was hard, but I'm glad I did it and surprisingly, so are my kids.
good article... that place where took the kids sounds like the clinica in Mexico.
I did not at all suggest that the germs came from just those patients that were poor. I am living just barely above poverty level myself, so I do not have an issue with those that can't afford insurance. I do not think any less of them. The office was dirty. the carpets were dirty, the wall paper was peeling, the walls were dingy and the furniture was in poor shape. The staff was rude, and disorganized. This was more a statement on the doctor's office or management in taking care of the office. I did not care to make a statement to him about the disrepair of his office. It is truly not my responsibility. I chose to take my business elsewhere. THat is statement enough.
My daughter and children have enough to deal with. I appreciate your advice, but I truly need to do what I think my kids can handle. I am not really proud that I said that to her, but I was not prepared to discuss this issue with her nor did i think that just the moment the doctor stepped away was the appropriate time to discuss it. The doctor does not have a responsibility to disclose this information or offer support to parents or children to open up this conversation, however if I had known I might have been able to handle the situation better.
My discomfort with my ex husband has little to do with his sexual orientation. You be married to a man that lied to you for nine years, abused you and your children, refused to work, abandoned his children, among many more unappealing attributes and tell me how comfortable you would be. To be honest with you, I am pretty accepting of his orientation. He seems much happier. I am just sorry that he had to abuse me and the children, while he was so confused.
Thanks for your comment.
As far as taking your business elsewhere being a statement about the cleanliness of the doctor's office. I used to think that too. Until a therapist asked me how the office that I wasn't dealing with was to know why I left. In your case, it's even harder for them. Will they assume that you left because of his sexual identification? Or will they realize the staff is rude? Or will they just figure you moved or something. I've always been a passive person, too, so just changing was what I chose to do. But, you did say you used to take your kids there and my point is only that when people are patients at a doctor's office, they should feel free to speak up about bad treatment, or especially about a dirty office.
I WAS married to a man like you described, except that he was violent too. But, because of the way my mom was with her exes, I knew how much my attitude would affect my kids self perception and got LOTS of counseling until I wasn't uncomfortable with him any more. Sounds like you DO have a handle on his sexuality and apologize if I gave you the impression that you didn't. My intent was to say that you are uncomfortable with the whole alternative lifestyle thing and with kids your daughter's age, it's going to be easier for you both to deal with issues that will be coming up in the next few years if you can find some info to help you deal with them. It's not that I thnk you did anything wrong. You did what you felt was right and that's all anyone can do. But, my sugestions are mainly for the future. This is a big issue in schools right now. If your daughter goes to public schools, she'll be getting information on that front. It's usually easier if you have given some kind of info to begin with so they know how to deal with what they see and hear at school.
At least you have finally put them in better hands. Feel good about the choice you have made and move on from there, quit worrying about the past.
There are so many issues that my children are dealing with right now, that I really don't feel like revealing to you. I need to chose my battles. I don't care that the doctor's office doesn't know how I feel. I need to focus my energies elsewhere.
I am sure that when the subject comes up again about trans gender that I will be able to address it with tact and respect for them. I am very open and talkative about issues with my children. Perhaps you did not get that impression from this article.
Yes, you have some uncomfortable issues to deal with, and I'm confident that you will educate yourself enough that you can answer your children's questions in ways that you feel are best for them. After all: YOU ARE THEIR MOTHER, and you know them better than anyone else, how much they can handle and when. Do not feel coerced by anyone to say or do anything with which you are not comfortable. Just bear in mind that these are indeed issues that your children will be facing all too often in this day and age, so they can't be ignored.
A few years ago I bumped into an acquaintence whom I greatly admired and visited with him following the concert we were both attending. He always had a very pleasant, gentle spirit, and was a particularly handsome and very accomplished man. On that evening he was obviously greatly saddened by something, but I wasn't free to pry.
Some time later I saw him again at another concert during the intermission. He was across a crowded lobby and I was aghast. "He" was dressed in women's garb, had grown his hair longer, but it was poorly styled. Worse still was the messy makeup job he had put on his face, almost comical. But worst of all was my reaction.
I was so taken aback by this unexpected turn, that I immediately left the concert before he could see me and I would have to visit with him. I returned home, all the way berating myself, appalled at my reaction, which surprised me as much as seeing him as "her" did.
Soon after a mutual friend confirmed that he was in the process of transgendering, that he had been unhappy with his sexuality for some time. My heart melted for him, and I was so ashamed of my response. Unfortunately, I haven't run into him/her since, but I know when I do I will be able to visit with her graciously. He was a great musician. I hope she keeps up her music.
My children don't need a grandfather that badly. Eventually I'll do an article on the whole story. But, I miss the whole idea of the innocense of youth that is now being replaced with the acceptance of everything.
Thanks Paul! Thank you for the feature.
Thank you for your supportive comment.
Hang in there..."bad don't last always..."
Pamela