The Search for Barbie's Love Slave - Ken, A Pictorial Expose

Like most little girls, I had a collection of Barbies. I had the Malibu Barbie, Sunshine Barbie, Ballerina Barbie (she always fell out of the stupid plastic stand) Barbie's palomino horse, the Barbie car, the Barbie house, etc. I had a Skipper and my progressive mother bought my sister and me a Cara each. Then I had two Ken dolls.

The poor Kens languished in the doll box. I had a brunette Ken with painted on hair. My sister had a blonde Ken with the fuzzy hair, but it didn't help. The only time either Ken got to go out was when Barbie needed a date to her movie premier or we were playing Indiana Jones Barbie and needed a stand in for Harrison Ford. Rarely, very rarely, fuzzy blonde Ken got to be Mikhail Baryshnikov when we were playing Ballerina Barbie Escapes from the Soviet Union.

Poor misused Ken. He never really had a lot going for him other than being the boy-toy of the totally cool, sophisicated, talented Barbie. But we can't blame his situation on his girlfriend. Ken's problems started long, long ago. So let us explore the history and psyche of the troubled doll known as Ken.

The real problem for 1968 Ken is...well...he's a dork. No way around it. Look at the stupid "I don't know what to say to a girl" smile. Look at those thick eyebrows. (My God, man, haven't you heard of tweezers?) And his clothes! His horrible ugly clothes! The gold turtleneck sweater...the checkered pull-on pants...the brown plastic brogues.

Add up Ken's lack of fashion sense, his socially awkward grin, his lousy hair style, and the fact that underneath those polyester pants he's totally smooth and it's no wonder Barbie preferred the neighbor boy's G.I. Joe.

Mattel must of realized little girls everywhere where NOT playing with Barbie's beau because they did a lot of makeovers on the guy. Unfortunately, these revamps didn't do much to improve Ken's lot.

In an effort to give little girl's something to do with Ken, Mattel started giving Ken longer, "styleable" hair. Thus, Mod Hair Ken. If possible, Ken's eyebrows are even more out of control. And you know what happens when you leave Mod Hair Ken in the doll box for a couple of days? His synthetic locks get all smooshed and bent and you have Three-Day-Bender Ken.

While Mod Hair Ken was quickly sinking into the dregs of alcoholism, Mattel came up with Superstar Ken. Superstar Ken was a fun date.  He liked to party, he could dance, he had a flashy, sexually ambigous wardrobe which lent him access to all the most exclusive clubs, and he could snort a line of coke with the best of them...but, after roller disco faded he just didn't seem to have much to live for.

Besides, by now Barbie had set out on a journey of self-exploration and was enjoying her new found emancipation with Sunsational African American Ken.  Sunsational Ken was one fly dude. You may even remember Sunsational African Ken from such Kensploxtation flicks as "Brown Sugar Ken" and "MacDaddy Ken", where he often played the leading man. Yes, Sunsational African American Ken spent a few good years defying social conventions and stickin' it to the man, but eventually he had to get a real job and that meant trimming back the afro and dropping the jive.

You could call the 1983 Black Ken an Uncle Tom. You could say he sold out his African heritage for the almighty dollar. Or you could say he's channeling a bit too much Billy Dee Williams. Although Barbie fell hard for Black Ken for a while, the continuous drinking of Colt 45s began to remind her of the old, bad Mod Hair Ken days and she moved on.

Dropping the Ken's entirely, Barbie took up with Alan. Alan seemed like a nice guy. He had a big head of painted hair but at least he did something about the eyebrows, and he came with a tux- always a good sign. He had a job, he paid his taxes, he was cute and well-dressed...you might say suspiciously perfect. Imagine Barbie's horror when she discovered Alan was a double agent for the Chinese and Barbie was only his cover! Alan mysteriously dissappeared some time around the late 1980's/early 1990s after a late night raid on his home. The government continues to deny any and all knowledge of a doll named Alan.

The 1990's were looking pretty good for Ken until he decided to join the heavy metal rock scene. Totally Hair Ken was a joke. He liked to pretend he was a rock n' roll rebel but he was just a poser. Unable to withstand the rigors of endless partying on the tour bus, Totally Hair Ken fell into a round of drugged promiscuity and self-recriminations. He was finally voted out of the band. Forty pounds overweight and balding, Totally Hair Ken was recently spotted selling hot tubs in Michigan whilst sporting a tacky Hawaiian shirt and a dork-knob.

Maybe it's just as well. Barbie has gone back to her roots...the sun and sea...and is currently hooking up with Beach Glam Ken. Innocuous and neutered, Beach Glam Ken is a throwback to earlier days but at least his "styleable hair" is a bit more manageable.  Laid-back Beach Glam Ken is unlikely to win a Nobel Prize or become CEO of a major corporation. It's doubtful he evens owns a suit, but at least he's harmless. Boy-band pretty, Beach Glam Ken appears to be a bit young for Barbie, but what the heck. Look at all she's put up with over the last three decades, so I say "you go girl."

Postscript:  How long will Barbie's relationship with Beach Glam Ken last, I wonder.  Your guess is as good as mine. G.I. Joe is still in the neighborhood, I hear.