Today's Stock Tip? Invest in Shaving Cream

Guys, we’ve known for years that we lost the battle of the sexes. The exact date fails me, but I believe it was sometime after the invention of the miniskirt when men first realized the battle had shifted against us. Sure, we tried putting up a good front by acting as if we won and hoping that women would believe it to be true, but sadly our secret is out. Today’s empowered women know the score. For years they’ve been plucking, shaving, and waxing in the hopes of making themselves more attractive to men. And now it’s our turn.

The manpelt has to go.

Backhair. All guys have it. Some are blessed with the fine, barely visible peachfuzz while others must suffer the humiliation of the full on manpelt. For most men it generally starts to appear just as the hair on the top of his head starts receding, giving the impression that he’s not going bald so much as his hair is sliding off the back of his head.

When you stop to think about it, a guy’s back doesn’t stand a chance. Just as the hair on a guy’s head begins it’s descent down the back of the neck, hair from his legs begins the assault on the “southern front”. The back is forced to fight on two fronts and thus hastily retreats from the shoulders and buttocks areas, surrendering the high ground. This battle rages on during a guy’s twenties and by the time of his thirtieth birthday, he’s lucky if he still has a small territory of follicle-less skin on the small of his back.

Unlike other tufts of manhair, the manpelt has never been embraced by modern society as a positive sign of virility. Hairy chests, mustaches and beards have all had their time in the sun as symbols of manliness. Backhair however has always been regarded as a horrible side effect of masculinity gone wrong. Men cursed with a thick luscious manpelt are often subjected to pity, ridicule and scorn. And for good reason.

Let’s face it; there is nothing attractive or appealing about backhair. It’s not just women who thinks this way either; even guys will express their distaste for the manpelt (unless it’s their own; they’d rather not draw attention to it). Just ask any guy who the worst player to guard in a game of pickup basketball and you’ll receive a nearly unanimous answer: the hairy guy without a shirt. This is a major reason why men stop exercising as they grow older; it’s not so much the exercise we dislike, it’s having another man’s hairy, sweat-soaked shoulder brush against your face repeatedly while fighting for the rebound.

Perhaps at some point in human development the manpelt wasn’t a source of ridicule but a sign of status. Cavemen probably took pride in their manpelts, flaunting their curly lumbar locks proudly much like a peacock displaying his feathers. A nice thick coat of manhair would be appealing to a cavewomen in search of a mate since it reflected his ability to provide warmth and protect against saber tooth tiger attacks.

Since the saber tooth isn’t likely to make a comeback anytime soon, modern men must adapt to meet the expectations of the discerning women of today. Hair is out, skin is in.

Let me clarify, modern single men must adapt; us married guys are off the hook. Right, dear? Right?

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Chris Carlisle is an award winning* online humor columnist whose column appears weekly(-ish) every Tuesday(-ish) on Gather.  The complete archive of past columns can be found at his website or on Gather at chriscarlisle.gather.com.  Chris is also fond of writing about himself in the third person.

(*While in kindergarten, Chris was awarded the prestigious Cracker Whistling Award at a local fair for being the first person to whistle after eating five crackers.   So technically he has won an award and is an online humor columnist, it's just that one has nothing to do with the other.)