Whoever Said...

...life was going to be fair?  I used to say that a lot. Back when I worked with disabled kids - and then with children with behaviour problems. And then, of course, when I had my own kids. I worked for a time with adults with mental illnesses as well - and they too heard it a time or too. And then I went back to school and became a teacher, and there too, one has occassion to say it again.

Whoever said life was going to be fair? They lied.

It does not matter how many times I've said it.

I'm still sitting here wishing I was a little kid who could stick out their bottom lip and pout and whine that ITS NOT FAIR!

And it isn't.

It isn't fair that I haven't seen my father for years and years. His second wife did her best to cut us out of his life - and he allowed her to do it. Seeing me - having a relationship with me - and my girls - wasn't worth the aggravation to him. It made her bitchy, and he didn't like it when she was bitchy and mad at him - so he would apologize, but say no to visits because he didn't want her to be upset.

It hurt. Not that she cut me out - she is nothing to me. But that he allowed it.

So...  eventually .... I decided to quit trying. I had been calling him regularly - in the morning, when she was at work so that she would never know; once every couple of weeks. One day, he said that he really wanted to see me. So - even though, at that time, I was taking care of my mother in law, and it was a huge deal for me to get away, I made arrangements. And all was supposedly fine. At the last minute - after I had scheduled sitters, etc etc - he called and told me that she'd changed her mind; I couldn't come. I was furious.

I stopped calling him.

I still asked about him; found out how he was doing from my sister, and so on. And I made sure to send cards - birthday, Father's Day, Christmas, all that stuff. But I didn't call him anymore. And he never called me either.

I found out that he'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's through my sister. Me, I'm the caregiver in our family - but I was busy taking care of my mother in law then. And I wasn't wanted anyway. So I stayed out of it....although I did manage to get information that his wife needed to know about people with Alzheimer's often deteriorating faster with anaesthetics (they were planning a hip replacement - bad idea!) - through my sister. But that was it.

About a month ago, I went to my niece's birthday party.  My sister and her family, including her in-laws, some friends, my youngest & I .... we were all sitting at a table at Jack Astor's when my sister told me that she had a message for me.

"I was talking to dad the other day and he was talking about when we were young. And at the end of the conversation, he asked how you were doing and asked me to give you a message. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you. "

At the time, I wanted to cry - but not in front of all those people. My brother in law broke the mood by joking, and singing "I just called ...to say.... I love your sister..." which was very funny - and much appreciated.

So this month, my sister talked to his wife and mentioned to her that I'd like to visit Dad and was told that would be 'great' ... he's really lonely, and she thinks it would be nice if I came down. Fifteen years of her throwing up roadblocks - but apparently she's over it.

So I went... yesterday .... 3.5 hours there, 4.5 hours back (traffic) Had a nice visit with him before she got home from work - and when she did, she was polite; nice even. Can't say that that has ever happened before - she used to be the epitome of rude way back when. 

But it is SO not fair.

He is at about the same stage of Alzheimer's now that my mother in law was when I first met her. Confused. Lost. Repetitive. Scared.

Years lost, never to be reclaimed.

She'll need support - I can do that to some extent. And I will, even though.....

So little else I can do for him now.

Whoever said life was going to be fair? They lied.