Living with Mental Illness & Overcoming stereotypes

          If the reader were to pass me on a public street, they would see a middle-aged caucasian female with a few extra pound she'd rather not have.  They wouldn't know my story, wouldn't know my inner demons, nothing about me; yet, for all intents and purposes, I would be considered "normal" in society's view.

          However, if one looks deeper, into my psychological profile, into my personality traits/mannerisms, it would make the average person at least take pause and wonder.  Why?  Because, you see, I suffer from a severe form of mental illness previously known as manic depressive illness---now known as Bipolar disorder.  I've lived with this disorder for twenty-one years (diagnosed); at least five years undiagnosed.  I've lived with the reality of this illness; I've also lived with the painful stereotypes that society always attributes to the mentally ill; and, to top it all off, I've had to deal with discrimination due to mental illness. 

          First, living with a mental illness---even when diagnosed, is a truly difficult task especially when one has a severe form of a mental disorder.  Unfortunately for myself, I've been afflicted with a severe form of bipolar disorder since before my diagnosis in 1986 at the age of 22.  I noticed that I didn't seem like the rest of my classmates at the age of 14, who were always smiling, had terrific home environments, terrific parents, and socially outgoing.  I was more withdrawn than most of my classmates, hated my life at home (I always blamed it on my abusive alcoholic father and my overworked mother), but threw myself into getting good grades so  that I wouldn't haphazardly bring my father's wrath onto myself.  At first, knowing and being "different" from my other classmates wasn't much of a distraction---nobody could "see" with their eyes that I was different, so, my life in high school wasn't all too bad.  I even did stints on the girl's basketball team, as the president of french club, and even achieved publication of my poetry (in a poetry anthology as well as yearbook).  All this changed within four years of graduating from high school.

          By the age of 18, I had had my first child; I had puposely gotten pregnant because I didn't feel "loved" by my parents, who were dealing with their own version of hell.  By the age of 22, I had had my second child and was in a loveless marriage. Most of this time, I still felt at odds with my world; I felt I was sinking into a deep, dark abyss with no way out except death. Within 17 months of my second child's birth (September of 1986), I attempted suicide by swallowing handfuls of lithium, thorazine, & midol as a chaser.  A co-worker saved my life that night by rushing me to the emergency room; I was kept inpatient in a psychiatric ward for the next two and a half weeks.  The psychiatrist assigned to me warned me (although I didn't readily listen at the time):  " You are in a form of denial if you believe there is nothing wrong with you.  Until you are past this denial no one will be able to help you---not even yourself.  Once you take control of yourself and your denial, you will stop trying to control other people's actions".  At the time, I scoffed at this opinion; looking back now, I question why I didn't listen sooner.

           My second suicide attempt, in 1991, had the same basic dark abyss feeling, however, my environment was very much to blame as much as my mental illness; after divorcing my first husband, I had remarried into a worse scenario: the man I married was an alcoholic, didn't like to do honest work for long, and had become physically abusive after being caught cheating on me with a friend we'd sometimes hung out with.   By November, I just wanted a way out of my own living hell, and, didn't really want to ask any of my family members for help.  I again swallowed a bottle full of pills---this time, tylenol 3.  My sister saved my life the next day---and, again, I was sent to an inpatient psychiatric ward for three days. 

           Second---I began to accept the idea that I couldn't control people, that I had to begin controlling my own behavior in order to outlive and beat this illness.  This began after my second desperately needed divorce in February 1992.  I had also made the decision to let everyone that I loved---my family, my friends---know that I had been diagnosed with manic depressive illness back in 1986.  To my family, they honestly didn't care one way or another: they were just glad that I had lived through my suicide attempts.  Most of my friends, however, were very shocked;  they didn't believe me when I told them.  In October of 1992, my soul mate and I began living together, and, I came clean in the upcoming months about my mental illness.  At first, he didn't want to believe me: months later, after living with me for roughly six months, he told me he now could "see"/feel that I was different, like I had explained to him.  It didn't scare him; he thought I was a challenge.

            After coming clean with family and friends, I began to tell others that I was afflicted with bipolar disorder.  At times, I experienced odd looks; a few times I've been met with people staring at me, trying to figure out if I was about to "snap".  Common stereotypes began to be stated to me, and, I began to take offense to them.  Here's a small sample list:

          A) Mentally ill people are "lunatics"/"crazy"/"nuts"; (B) Mentally Ill people are "lazy"/"junkies"/"looking for a handout"; (C) Mentally Ill people use their mental illness as an excuse to commit crimes; and (D) mentally ill people use their mental illness to excuse the wrongs they commit.

         Although there are some forms of mental illness that indeed may make one stop and wonder if the word "crazy" or "lunatic" applies,  most mentally ill people are far from "crazy"/"lunatics".  They react differently than a "normal" person does to stress, yes.  But that doesn't mean that they're "crazy".  Nor does it make them "lunatics" or "nuts". 

          Most people suffering from mental illness are not "lazy".  Oh, to be sure, there are probably a few lazy ones out there.  However, a mentally ill person's "laziness" is honestly a severe reaction to certain stressors that, due to genetic makeup (in most cases), they cannot seem to deal with on a one on one basis. Therapy does help during these crises, but, only if the mentally ill person stops denying they have a problem. 

           The one stereotype I hate to hear come out of anyone's lips:mentally ill people are always "looking for a handout".  Where this notion comes from, I have yet to figure out.  It is true that a lot of mentally ill people (myself included) receive a form of government assistance known as Supplemental Security Income (SSI).  However, even though we are sent ("given") a check each month, that doesn't mean that all of us go running out to spend it foolishly on drugs, booze, and a wild life style. Far from it! Mentally ill people cannot tell prospective employers that they suffer from mental illness---they'd never get hired!  Yet, if you lie or omit this type of information, you could still lose your job.  And, for those who have severe mental illness ( schizophrenia, uncontrollable bipolar disorder, multiple personality disorder),SSI is their only hope to have a life of their own without their families going poor to support them.  SSI barely pays rent these days, and, I am tired of hearing that this is a "handout".

          As for mentally ill people using their illness to commit crimes/wrongfully harm others in some way, just as in all walks of society, I'm sure they exist.  Even so-called "NORMAL" people maim, kill, and commit atrocious acts that defies human explanation.  Most mentally ill people are too busy dealing with their own ups and downs of their own lives and have too little time to go out and commit atrocious acts: we live in the here and now, can't make future plans (retirement? what's that?!) due to inaffordability, most of the time can't even afford a ticket to see a movie at a local theater. Buy a gun?  How?  Most guns are expensive---people on limited incomes such as SSI can't afford high end items such as guns!  Not to mention the fact that if you are honestly diagnosed with a severe mental illness, just a normal background check will show that you're diagnosed mentally ill, and, you'd get a denial for a gun permit anyway.

         It is time for America to open up their minds and honestly learn about mental illness---instead of relying on stereotypes and discrimination based on these stereotypes.  Until this happens, the mentally ill will always be "those people" who, due to the negative stereotypes/discrimination, live in poor conditions and on the fringes of today's society.