At the time of my writing, one of my teens has just walked into the house after being at his friend's all day. He called upstairs to let us know that he was home and then headed straight to his room. Frankly, I feel a little disappointed. I haven't seen him all day and was hoping he'd come upstairs and want to hang out. Of course, I could go down to his room, and depending on his mood, engage him in some form of interaction with greater or lesser success depending on his mood, his blood sugar levels, or the dictates of his testosterone. But, I feel a bit hurt that his first thought upon coming home isn't to come upstairs and want to spend time with me.
The newsflash is that I am no longer the center of his universe, and if things go the way they're supposed to, I will grow increasingly less like the sun--providing light and sustenance--and more like the moon, drifting in and out of view, my influence more tidal than anything else. At some point, typically adolescence, there is a slow, but steady reversal in the balance of desires of who wants to spend time with whom.
But, in the same way that there's a lack of symmetry between my desire to spend time with my son and his presumed desire to spend time with me, there is a lack of symmetry between my yearning to call my parents and their longing to hear from me. I'm blessed with good parents so I don't mind calling them and, sometimes, even enjoy it. But it probably means more to them in the same way it means more to me to talk to my kids than it might to them.
There is a danger in how we manage this shift towards being needed less by our adolescents. It's tempting to respond to feeling hurt or less valued by withdrawing or rejecting back--or to mistake our lessening of influence to mean that we no longer have any influence; or to support our teenager's independence by being completely letting go of the reins. These are all mistakes. As adolescent specialist Mike Riera says, as our teens get older, we need to shift more into the role of consultant than manager. We're still involved, but we need to give them more and more control over their lives.
Many parents of teens worry that their teens haven't learned anything that they've been taught by them. In reality, despite an almost aggressive refutation of our ideals, values, and identities, teenagers typically emerge out of adolescence with values and ideals much like ours. In other words, just because your teenager acts like you and your ideas are lame, doesn't mean that he won't one day embrace those lame ideas as his very own.
Dr. Joshua Coleman is an international expert on parenting, marriage, and relationships. He is a Senior Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families and is a frequent guest on the Today Show. He has also appeared on ABC 20/20, Good Morning America, NPR, The BBC, and many other news and radio programs. His advice has appeared in the New York Times, The Times of London, The Guardian (UK), Psychology Today, The Chicago Tribune, and many other publications. Dr. Coleman is a psychologist in private practice in Oakland and San Francisco, and the father of twin boys and a girl. His new book WHEN PARENTS HURT: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (HarperCollins) will be released in July, 2007. Sign up for his FREE, twice monthly ezine THE COLEMAN REPORT at www.drjoshuacoleman.com
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Comments: 23
Most days I feel hopeful. I have a close relationship with my teens-- it's more that I was observing how the sense of parental rejection is part of the deal as they begin to separate and that we sometimes have to be in dialogue with ourselves in order to stay in the parental groove and keep things productive.
It's good to get the teen perspective on this and I think those are very wise words that you've written.
Thanks for writing. It always saddens me to hear about fathers who ignore their kids. You're right, there's definitely a security that comes from having someone to listen to you. You absolutely deserve that.
I understand. A lot of Dads believe that the best way to provide for their family is through their work.
We do things as the three of us (single parent here) and separately. I think it is important to keep letting your kids know you want to know about their lives, but you still respect their privacy. They might not want to talk when they are coming home after hanging out with a friend, but they could surprise you sometime walking home from the grocery store, or sitting in a theater waiting for a movie to start.
Of course you factor in hormone levels when they are present, but I believe for the most part if your respect your kids as human beings -- whether they are 5 or 15 or 25, they will respect you, and more importantly they will respect themselves
As long as I know THEY know I am here whenever they do need some mom time, that's what is important. I strive to be approachable, no matter what the subject and have told each of them that life can be difficult and given them examples of what I went through growing up. I hope they know I can relate even though the circumstances may be different.
As Gretchen said in a previous post, they love knowing you respect their privacy and they also love to know you are there when they need you. Most of the time it's best to sit back and let them dictate interaction (though there are times it is imperative you take control). Parenting through their teens is often like walking a tightrope with no safety net, it's a definite balancing act!
they are such beautiful people that to see them blossom was almost an intimat thing that the rest of the world really never saw. One day they wanted to wear their old mickey mouse shirts to school the next low rise jeans! Through it all we did survive though I also managed to have 2 more daughters during that fun roller coaster ride of puberty! Children are truly amazing at every stage. I just know that my youngest will give us as much humor and headaches as the oldest !
I completely understand your dilemma. I think these dynamics get more difficult with single and divorced parents. When my daughter was that age, I had her part-time so I felt like every time she was with me had to be especially meaningful and deep. Fat chance. Unfortunately, at that age, they're typically beginning a more intensive separation from us through their alliance and identification with their peer group. Rejecting us serves 2 functions: 1) it helps them feel less sad about the impending separation from us as they begin to think about moving out and 2) it helps them learn about how to deal with rejection by the peer group. In other words, there is perhaps no place more socially treacherous than the social world of the teenage girl. Learning how to deal with being shamed, rejected, devalued, and humiliated are key to social survival. Part of what they're trying to master when they reject us is learning a better way to handle rejection. That's why we shouldn't act too devastated even if we feel devastated by their rejections . This doesn't mean that we let ourselves be abused. We continue to say that we expect to be treated respectfully, but we can't assume the same kind of tender closeness that existed before adolescence. If we don't screw things up too badly, they typically come back to us. My daughter did (she's now 26), though it took much, much longer than I would have liked. That was partly what inspired me to write When Parents Hurt-I know what it's like to be there and it's not fun at all.
The main thing that I would recommend, Sandi is getting a lot of support from others. If your daughter's separation is inducing anxiety and depression, it may be because her behavior is triggering earlier hurts in you such as feeling rejected by a family member. Although, I had pretty reasonable parents and my daughter's behavior made me feel pretty awful, so it doesn't have to stem from that.
Yes, it's funny how useless our expensive educations become when it's our own kids. The main advantage seems to be that we know that whatever dumb thing we're saying or doing is actually dumb and not enlightened. Been there, done that.
But, you sound like you have a lot of insight and self-awareness and can use that to repair whatever distance you may have created with your daughter. I think what our kids need is to hear our taking responsibility for our mistakes without hating ourselves.
And to shine a different light on it, we often take on the worst characteristics of our own parents in our parenting without knowing it. In this case, if you had a suffocating and anxious mom, you may be unconsciously tempted to behave and FEEL like her without knowing it. Seeing it as an identification with your parent, rather than being a core need of yours, can free you up to feel less triggered by her increasing individuation.