by Tracey E.
Member since:
February 19, 2007

18 yr old son anyone?? or close to it?

April 16, 2007 09:04 AM EDT
views: 46 | rating: 9.9/10 (14 votes) | comments: 23

I am having the biggest problem with my 18 year old son.  This is my first of 4 kids and he is the only one that gives us any problems.

My son is 18 and thinks he is about 40 but really he acts 12 !!

He has a steady girlfriend for the past year, he is SUPER moody and on edge and never smiles EVER.  My son does not do drugs or drink or smoke, he is just a moody cranky person.  He acts like he hates me and my husband, he always cusses and wants everything just handed to him.

He has a car but because it is a 1988 cadillac and bad on gas, he drives either my car or my husbands new truck because they are nice and have gas.  If we tell him no he cant use them, we get hell and he makes our lives miserable.   The boy is respectful to other people though, just hates me and my husband.  I am now on high blood pressure meds because I am always on edge.

I am typically a very friendly person and always happy but when my son is home or around, I am the biggest cranky person.  No matter how nice I am to my son, he is a jerk.

My husband is always cranky because of my son and his behavior.

My son graduates from high school in May.  I want to put him out of my house so bad but actually he has no place to go AND I am afraid if I put him out he will do something to damage my house or cars. 

I have wanted him to get to a doc for councel or meds but he says that he is over 18 and he cannot be made to take any meds and says that there is nothing wrong with him.

I am at my wits end and do not know what to do !!

 Why can't he just act right?  He has only been bad like this for the last couple years, he was always a nice kid.  I pray every day for a long time for him and the family, we go to church but he won't go with us, he goes to the Catholic church with his girlfriend. 

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Comments: 23

I have a 14 year old so I'm not the expert on 18 year olds, or 14 year olds for that matter. Though I have heard this is pretty common at that age. He is probably the go to guy for fun when he's around his friends and far away from the evil parents who tie him down :)
Laurun M. Apr 16, 2007, 9:19am EDT
I went through something similar. I put my foot down and said I wouldn't tolerate it. We went through a lot of arguing in those days This is my house and if you don't abide by the rules you can pack your bags and leave. Does that sound familar? I didn't want to get the police involved by getting a restraining order, however, I threatened that I would. I just feel that that is sendning them off in the wrong direction. Be firm,try to state what you mean in a calm way. Stick with it. He should come around. Make him understand that the consequences are that he'll have to find a place of his own to live if the respect isn't there. It took me a couple of years but my son finally came around.
Tracey E. Apr 16, 2007, 9:31am EDT
I try to just be patient with this all and try to explain to my husband that we are NOT the only parents going through this situation.
It is hard for us because I was a very good girl in my teen years and very much got along with my parents and was respectable. My husband had a job at 13 years old and was very responsible and respectable as well.
Michelle W. Apr 16, 2007, 9:39am EDT
You have every right to put him out of your house. If he damages anything on your property, send him to jail. It might be just what the doctor ordered! By all rights, you could put him out of your house now. (Just be sure to check with your local magistrates office on the laws in your town concerning this.) I know that in the state of NC, you can actually kick your child out at the age of 13!! Go figure. If you are afraid of the things your son is doing, or might do, you can even get a restraining order. He is 18 and a legal adult and needs to start acting like one, so let him be an adult, on his own!! It is hard, but you have to let go. Your health is not worth the trouble and grief he is giving you.
Michelle W. Apr 16, 2007, 9:39am EDT
By the way, it is called "TOUGH LOVE".
Sue D. Apr 16, 2007, 9:56am EDT
My son will be 17 next month, and I am familiar with the attitude. It sounds like from the one example that you have given that if he throws a tantrum, he will get his way. I would suggest let him throw the tantrum and not allow him to drive your car. The first few times may be explosive, but they will become less and less. If you are fearful of your safety by doing so, you might want to illicit some help. Good luck with it. It can be very difficult, I know.
Tracey E. Apr 16, 2007, 9:57am EDT
My husband says that he is going to put up with this just until he graduates in May and then give him the ultimatim of being tossed out.
I just worry so much about all of this.
Are we overreacting? Are there other teens doing this and mine is no different and I toss him and he is just like all the others?
I'm no expert on teenagers. I'm not a mom of a teen yet, or anything.

Here's what I can tell you- first, unless you are with him 100% of the time, you can't be certain that he's not smoking, doing drugs, or drinking. Second- if he has a car, he can drive that car. If you give into him, he's going to walk all over you. Letting him drive your vehicle and your husbands are not the answer to fixing the problem.

If he wants to drive, and can't afford the gas, he needs a job. If he won't get a job, he doesn't need to drive.

You need to set boundries, and stick to them, just like you would with any child testing their limits. He's 18. He's legally allowed to move out if he wants. If you want him out, but are worried about how he'll react, then set down some boundries and conditions on him staying.

For example, if he wants to stay, but won't be attending college immediatly come June, then he needs to have a job, and he needs to pay rent. Rent doesn't have to be an amount you keep. Just set it aside in an account for when he goes off to school (if he goes to college, that is), and needs extra money here and there.

Tell him as an adult, he needs to start earning his way in life, which means paying his own gas, his own insurance, and his living expenses. Tell him the rules he had in HS still apply.

Basically, make it seem undesirable for him to stay. If he wants to move, he'll be happier about it than staying.
Sue * Apr 16, 2007, 10:40am EDT
Well, I won't give advice because if you go back and read my articles you will see I have problems of my own with my son. He is 24. It was at 21 he started acting much the way you describe, and he moved in and out a few times. I will offer sympathy and understanding because I have walked in your shoes (and worse) for the past 3 years. If he is still under your roof, you have leverage. You can tell him he either goes for therapy or you stop paying his way. But, don't let him go without you in the waiting room...heads up, they tend to lie about going. I would cut off access to my car is he has his own. I don't think this is unusual behavior, but it can escalate and get ugly. It has in my house, and we have all paid a price for it, including my son.
Larry H. Apr 16, 2007, 10:53am EDT
Our youngest is 24 will be 25 in May, he was, is our biggest problem, when he was home in refused to keep his room clean.. messed is pants..would keep himself clean. Wants to be a Computer tech or some sort. Was going to college for it, he even had a scholarship. Wouldn't get up and go, wouldn't hold a job. Got mixed up with a Wiccan group. They got him to quit college, he got a job at Taco Bell, and gave his pay check to them, they gave him a place to live and gas money so he could get to work. They group broke up, he is living in with 3 other people now, still working at Taco Bell. Where ever he lives the area he is in is a dump.
It used to be that when a youngman turn 18 and gradulated from high school he recieved a letter in the mail, " Greating Uncle Sam Wants You" and he was off into the army, navy, air force or marine maybe even the Coast Gurard..
The Coffee Mom M. Apr 16, 2007, 11:43am EDT
Mine is soon to be 22, welcome to the roller coaster of life! It will get better, it took my son until he was 21 to even think I was anything more than a checkbook. I did however give my son options on his 18th birthday, either follow my rules or get out. He left and we were relieved because the constant fighting was too much for us.

I could only wish that alcohol was not a part of his life. Believe it or not if you have any girls they too become moody, cranky, ill tempered and always need something of value. I have been lucky enough to experience both sexes at this age, and quite frankly I don' t like it one bit.

For a long time I thought it was me, something had to be wrong with me. I did something wrong when they grew up, I did not go to church enough, I did not do something... Like Larry I so prayed the marines, army, just anything would help.

Maturity and time...good luck!
Tracey E. Apr 16, 2007, 1:19pm EDT
Oh goodness...I didn't mean anything about the Catholic church thing...We are methodist...no big deal, at least he goes to church at all. know what I mean?
Meryl Johnson Apr 16, 2007, 2:00pm EDT
Your son's a bully and a tyrant. How does he get hold of the car keys to drive your cars instead of his own car? You give them to him? Sounds like a bad case of he shouts, you give in, to me. In that case, this is your own fault. Stop threatening him. He knows you're not going to follow through.

When my two sons went through this period I taught them that life is like that old game, truth or consequences. He (and probably you, too) has to cut out the drama and start thinking of realistic ways to get what he wants. If he wants to drive a car that uses less gas, he could trade his clunker for one, couldn't he? Couldn't you deprive him of the keys to the family cars? You say if you don't give in he makes your lives miserable. He's making your lives miserable anyway, isn't he? You're acting like a doormat for him to wipe his feet on, so if he does that don't blame him! My advice is to lower the noise level and set limits. He wants money for gas and other things, he can get a job. He's old enough. Hang on to the keys to your cars. Did you give in to his tantrums when he was two? Leave the room, or drive away to a nice place for dinner in your cars, leaving him at home hungry, rather than just yell back and give in. You know what I mean. And if he does happen to get violent, which I doubt, since he's at heart a nice church-going kid who doesn't even drink or smoke, call the police, of course. Just do it naturally and quietly without drama. Truth or consequences. Violence = go to jail.
Μόףףý ● ķ ~ Apr 16, 2007, 3:39pm EDT
He's 18, show him the door and tell it not to let it hit him in the a** on the way out! If he's old enough to make medical decisions on his own, he's old enough to get a job and an apartment somewhere far away!
Rob Appell Apr 16, 2007, 3:42pm EDT
He almost sounds like a "typical teen", though a little more extreme than some. I say put your foot down...or up his butt. Remind him he is 18 as is his favorite claim...time to become responsible like an adult now that he's done with school. Your house...your rules. If he doesn't like them, though it's harsh, there's the door. He'll find out how difficult it is to take care of himself and pay big bills out in the real world and make him realize how good he really did have it at home. Either make him pay some kind of rent or give him jobs to do around the house in lieu of paying...they get taken care of or he's broken the agreement and it he goes. Since he has his own vehicle; that's his and your's belong to you. He drives his own wheels and it's his problem if he's low on gas. He either puts more in and doesn't use yours up...or he sits at home and doesn't go anywhere. Tough love is sometimes the only way to go. He may be all kinds of mad at first, but in later years, he'll thank you for it.
Kathryn E. Apr 16, 2007, 4:38pm EDT
have you tried family therapy? Seems to me some major communication between him and you/your husband and him could be in order.

My son is nearly 19 and is fine.
Tricia C. Apr 16, 2007, 5:13pm EDT
i agree with the others.. once he graduates, then he needs to pay rent or get out... I have told all my kids that as long as you are attending school, then you can live her rent free... once they graduate from school, then car, insurance and all that is their responsibility... if they are not attending college, then yes, they will be paying for food, utilities and rent... just as if they were out on their own.. to teach them responsiblity.. of course not the entire bills, but some of it...

My oldest of 4 is 17 and graduating this spring..she will be going into army reserve right out of high school... and is moving out on her own (well, with grandparents) so she can attend the college she wants to when she comes back.

BTw.. you are doing him a service and teaching him responsibility by making him pay his share.. get a job, go to college or get out... they need to learn to stand on their own 2 feet and if you coddle them too much, they will not be able to do that even after they are married....

Best wishes to you and I hope things do get better.
Thom R. Apr 17, 2007, 1:14pm EDT
I used to run family interventions with drug and alcohol users, and the ones that worked went like this: 1.) I would set down with the family minus the user and explain what could and might happen. 2.) Each family member would make up a "Dear John or Joan" letter listing what they had seen and what they thought. 3.)The list would be passed to the person setting next to them in a circle and read by that person. 4) I would tell them to rewrite their lists and another mtg. would happen in two days.5) I would have the Mother and Father, if they were still together, write a list of expectations, demands, and penalties and stress that they would have to follow it To The Letter6)We would hold a rehearsal with the letters7) There would be a question and answer period8) a bed in a inpatient alcohol and/or drug treatment center would be reserved for the date of the intervention.9) A time when all persons would be present was chosen.10) The intervention would begin with each person telling "John" or "Joan" he /she was loved and cared about by them, why, and then the letter was read and the next person would take up until all were done(God I loved small families). I then would reiterate the choices the individual had and tell him/her now was the time to act. I think you could adopt this to his needs, there were a few points in your story in his favor. I do need to warn you, these can be heartbreaking, and if one person caves in the intervention is over, so rehearsal is of paramont importance. Be Prepared...
Glome . . . Aug 12, 2008, 12:59am EDT
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