There’s nothing like that giddy, lighter-than-air, we’ve-totally-clicked feeling of finding a new partner. But how do you know if that head-over-heels sensation is for real… or if you’re moving too fast, too furious into complete infatuation land?
I’m Jennifer Eberhardt, an editor for Happen, a magazine about relationships and dating from Match.com. I wanted to share some really straightforward advice with the Gather community, and specifically with those who fall head-over-heels in love at the drop of a hat. (Raise your hands, everyone, and please share your experiences with us.)
Carolyn Bennett, Psy.D., a Berkeley, California psychologist who specializes in relationship issues, shared some tips with Match.com writer B. Keith on developing rock-solid relationships and pacing them for long-term success. Here’s how to tell whether you’re getting carried away…or are moving smoothly on the road to real love.
Do you fall in love too fast?
written by B. Keith
Carried-Away Clue #1: You’re more interested in the pairing-up than the person
Having a new partner is a thrilling feeling. But sometimes we realize after the affair is over that it wasn’t really the person we were interested in, but the ‘project.’ “I brought an overnight bag on the second date, and by the third I was bringing work ‘home’ to her place,†says Margaret, 29, from San Diego. “It just felt good to have a routine with someone.â€
The expert says: “When you dive into a serious-acting relationship before you’ve evaluated things, you may be subconsciously trying to mask fears of being alone or not being good enough,†says Bennett.
Reality check: When you think a relationship is ‘perfect,’ ask yourself why the person seems so right for you. If the only thing you think of is, “She likes me,†or “He wuuuuves me,†you’re getting ahead of yourself. That could mean you scare off a relationship that, if you let it breathe and develop on its own, really is perfect.
Carried-Away Clue #2: You only RSVP “with guestâ€
He’s having drinks with his co-workers? You’re there. The Thursday-night book club you’ve been attending for months? She’s the newest member. Yes, it’s great to date someone whom you never get sick of and gets along with all your friends. But when you glue yourself to your sweet new thing, you’re cheating the friends who like spending time with just you. You’ll also eventually erode some of the unique bonds and interests that made you the person your new sweetie fell for.
The expert says: “Usually it’s somehow tied up in a fear of being alone,†says Bennett. “When this comes at the beginning of a relationship, it has nothing to do with the person you’ve just met, but how you feel about yourself.â€
Reality check: Not to be negative, but when you two do have a fight or — gasp — break up one day, you’ll want to have places you can go and friends you can turn to who are yours alone.
Carried-Away Clue #3: Their dreams become your dreams
There’s nothing wrong with an active fantasy life. But focus on when those fantasies occur and whether they involve things that would make you happy… or would make your boyfriend or girlfriend happy. Daydreams focusing on wowing your mate can hint that you’re still looking to win her over with a grand gesture. “After dating a painter for three months, I started looking to buy a home that had an artist’s studio built into it,†confesses Katie, 31, a writer in Los Angeles. “We weren’t anywhere near ready to live together, but it seemed like the loving thing to do.â€
The expert says: “If you find that all of your fantasies occur in the future, it’s likely that you’re just dreaming about a lifestyle anyone can provide,†says Bennett. What’s more, you may be worrying that your partner doesn’t love you enough now, so you’re focusing on how to amp up her affections.
Reality check: Bring it back down to earth with visions of what makes you two so special when you’re together. Solid relationships don’t require you to bring home the moon—it’s enough to know you’re mooning over each other.
B. Keith is a New York-based writer.
If you liked this article and would like to read more like it for free, visit Happen magazine or join our Gather group.
recommend
Facebook
Twitter
bookmark 
print
Comments: 7
I met this man almost a year ago and we developed a friendship over a period of about 5 months. One night last October we crossed a line. Neither of us really remember who did it first but we ended up with our arms around each other, gently rubbing each other's back - something you'd do with a long-time partner. It jsut felt right. We've been together pretty much all of the time sense that night and are now engaged. we will be married almost a year from that magical evening.
I guess the difference is that I can make a list of why we are perfect for each other. It's not because he loves me...but then I guess that'd be worthy of my own article.
I believe that if you want to fall in love you have to be willing to take a risk and possibly be hurt - I think that's what stops so many people from just letting go and experiencing what they are feeling without thinking too much about it.
It just so happens that the first woman
who noticed me in a long time turned
out not to be the nice person I thought
she was.
bound to go away.
As for loneliness, I think that I'd rather be alone than be trapped in a
bad relationship which is unhealthy for all concerned.
That's like being in the Ninth Circle of Hell.