Can Your Relationship Survive Retirement?

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 Jill looked so forlorn when I first saw her in the waiting room, I thought she was in need of grief counseling. Instead, I learned that Jill’s husband of 35 years was still very much alive and actually quite healthy, but their relationship which had been a source of loving support and sexual delight had become a burden that she was struggling to bear. 

Post-retirement-nightmare “I really still love Jack, But I don’t know how much longer I can stand this. He just hangs around the house all day long waiting for me to suggest something to do. I’m busy, he doesn’t have a life; we barely speak. Ever since he retired it’s been like this.” 

Adapting to change. After Jill had filled in the details of her story, I sighed and nodded. As a therapist who has worked with couples for over 30years, this sad scenario, the ‘post-retirement nightmare’, was too familiar. Jill and Jack had talked some about life after retirement. They had looked forward to traveling, to having time to spend with their grandkids, to playing a little more golf together. But they had never considered how the rhythm of their life would change, nor how their relationship would be affected. 

Easy decision to retire Jill had loved her career as a teacher, but when she reached 60 she found the decision to retire was easy for her; she had so many finished projects at home, so many friends she wanted to spend more time with, so many places she wanted to visit. 

Unprepared emotionally Jack had also enjoyed his work as an insurance broker, but mostly he saw it was a means to an end. And that end was a financially secure retirement. He didn’t spend much time with friends of his own, nor did he have any true hobbies that brought him any pleasures. So when the time came and Jill and Jack found themselves without the structure that their work lives had provided, they were unprepared – not financially, but emotionally. 

Happy yet stressful times Retirement can be the best time of life, it is true. But it also put new stresses on long-term relationships, the kind of stresses that can lead to depression, Illness and even divorce.  

Imagined delights When we think about retirement we tend to focus on the imagined delights of not having to wake up to an alarm each morning or having the freedom to pick up and go traveling whenever the mood strikes. These types of life changes are easy to enjoy, but unless we do a little relationship preparation, we can find that they do not bring the full measure of delight we had hoped. 

Preparing your relationship for retirement Preparing your relationship for retirement requires some dedicated time and attention, but those couples who are wise enough to doing it, maximize their chances for a future that looks and feels like the one they have dreamed about. As Jill learned, doing a little preventive work, you can keep your communication flowing and work together to reduce the shocks that this major life change can create in your relationship. 

1. Take time to value your assets. What are the aspects of your relationship that you most value today? What do you most appreciate about your partner?

1.       Take stock of your fantasies. What do you imagine your relationship will feel like after retirement? Consider your hopes and needs in terms of companionship, sex and emotional connection.

2.      Take a good look at your fears. Are there aspects of your relationship that that trouble you now? What do you imagine will happen to them in your post retirement years?

3.       Invest in your relationship future – create a plan together. Be flexible and creative. If your fantasies are very different from those of your partner, consider if they are really incompatible if they can co-exist. Acknowledge the strengths in your relationship that can help you address your fears.

 None of these steps can be accomplished in a single conversation. The process of preparing your relationship for retirement is an ongoing one that builds equity and security over time. << 

Reach out Retired? Planning for retirement? How will retirement impact your relationship? Please share with us your experience, your hopes, your fears and vision of a successful relationship in retirement. editor@LetLifeIn.com  

Deborah Nedelman, Ph.d. is a Clinical Psychologist and author of “Guide to Beginning Psychotherapists”, with J. Zaro, R. Barach, and I Dreiblatt and “Still Sexy After All these Years: The 9 unspoken Truths about Women’s Desire Beyond 50”, with L. Kliger. Contact: dnedelman@comcast.com

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