God i love this quote

"Each man's destiny is personal only

insofar as it may happen to resemble

what is already in his memory.

Eduardo Mallea

quoted in The Sheltering sky by paul Bowles

I had failed to mention this book in my short profile, i adore this book and have never finished reading it as the movie theater next to my mother's place had started screening the movie and i was not in the mood for tea in the sahara.

what worked well in the snowy nights of Boston did not happen in the middle east , hot and noisy and market like and unromantic, sort of what the labtop is doing at the moment, now it has decided not to delete mistakes as you might find in the bottom ...god this machine has a mind of its own ...

The process of writing is blocked again and again but then i have found creative ways to overcome, just drag the words to the bottom..

A e.e. cummings poem shall emerge..

The salesman warned me at the shop

This is not for kids , it is much too delicate

actually, the person doing most of the gorilla like banging on the keyboard when things go wrong in rage is me, the adult supposibly..so there..

Today i felt as if i had swallowed the truth serum, kept telling the dentist and people things, whatever came in mind, without eliminating , without censurship.

I recall my mother at the supermarket embarassing me by speaking candidly with the cashier and then some..

Anyway i might just try reading this book again

"He awoke, opened his eyes. The room meant very little to him;

he was too deeply immersed in the non being from which he had

just come. If he had not the energy to ascertain his position in time and space, he also lacked

the desire."

Now here's the whole truth and nothing but the truth but not to a supermarket check out girl ..

Today two events have shaken and rattled my cage:

First of all i finally went to the dentist

and discovered that it's not really that bad, no need for a pain relief , i can suffer as long as the shot is away..

second of all while trying to locate a site i somehow logged unto a Porn site, somehow Jews and Juice got confused in the search engine,

No , i wanted to scream, that is not what i meant at all

not at all

and felt rage , disgust and anger as though i was forced to join in the grotesque circus

then a third event that actually occured not in this order but at noon explained it all,

trying to have a conversation with the father of my children he used his well known tactic and said, i do not like your tone of voice

i was not screaming then but after he continued a sort of Lawyer talk although never having attended law school trying to avoid the issue i wanted to discuss

he stepped on the gas as he was in the car driving my sons away and i ended up

screaming at the disappearing grey Toyota 1982

STUPID

if ever i felt misunderstood , unappreciated and humiliated it is at those two events

the porn site and the father of my children nontalk

the dentist was actually not so bad

i felt a bit human at least

the sheltering sky will bring me back to a place

i recognize as my own and to finally look myself in the face

and recognize something familiar with a past, present and god willing

future.

Like the great Oscar Wild said