the contrarian - MOVE ALONG FOLKS, NOTHING TO SEE HERE

It’s difficult to get motivated this week.

There’s little new in the Iraq situation. Time will tell if the decision to go after the al-Mahdi Army of Shiite cleric Muqtada Sadr will pay off or add yet another failure to America’s string of bad decisions.

Iran continues to be a major question mark.  Ahmadinejad’s claim on Monday that his country has 3,000 centrifuges producing enriched uranium has been met with widespread skepticism by experts in the field.

On the political front, it’s too early in the campaign cycle to get overly excited about a presidential campaign that will reportedly devour more than $1 billion in political donations, or payoffs, depending on your point of view.

Immigration “reform” is proceeding at a snail’s pace.

And, of course, everyone by now knows that Larry Birkhead has a better chance of paying his outrageous legal bill, since DNA tests have shown him to be the father of Dannielynn.

Similarly, the disgraceful “Imus situation” has saturated the news quite thoroughly, although few may remember that, in the past, he (or his cast) have called Colin Powell a “weasel,” New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson a “fat sissy,” and referred to Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell, an American Indian, as “the guy from ’F Troop.” They also called the New York Knicks a group of “chest-thumping pimps.” (Thanks for that one, Lisa.)

Even the three Duke Lacrosse players are leaving the news arena, as it appears the charges against them will be dropped. 

And finally, the economic news is suddenly suspect. The dire warnings of problems in the real estate sector of no more than one week ago, have suddenly attracted a wave of optimistic analyses by the mainstream press, raising the question of whether this is yet another area in which there has been some mysterious decision to shield us from the truth.

Therefore, the only thing that seems appealing enough to write about this week is “unimportance.”  So, with that in mind, all of the following recent news items, some bitter, some sweet, some bittersweet, have but one thing in common - they are of no particular significance whatsoever (for the most part).  But, they are all absolutely true.

NEWS FROM LOS ANGELES:

Ah, the unfortunate rich. They are getting so wealthy these days that their desire for poor people to do their bidding is significantly raising the cost of professional gophers.  It was announced in the LA Times that butlers in LA are commanding minimum salaries of $80,000 per year, plus housing, health insurance, three weeks vacation, and “good vibes” (which means that the manic depressive rich people may have to pay more).

At least eight patrolmen on the Los Angeles police force make over $200,000 per year, including their regularly scheduled “overtime,” according to the LA Times.  Not to be outdone, it was also reported that 18 firefighters took home more than $300,000 last year.  The scheduled salaries for state governors in the U.S. range from $65,000 (Nebraska) to $179,000 (New York) and they’re not eligible for overtime, of course. .

At the other end of the economic scale 879 “Jane” and “John Does” died in LA last year and are currently being held in the county morgue.  If not identified, they’ll be cremated and their ashes will eventually be commingled and disposed of.

Now, this next one is the stuff that spawns lawyer jokes.  At an assisted living facility in Mission Viejo, south of Los Angeles, a rat allegedly crawled into the mouth of an elderly lawyer and died, resulting in - you guessed it - a lawsuit.

The toll on the 91 freeway leading east out of Orange County has just risen to nearly $1 per mile, making it the most expensive in the nation.  At the same time, the average price of gas in California has also become the most expensive in the nation, at $3.25 per gallon.

And doctors at the L.A. VA Medical Center inadvertently removed the healthy testicle of a married veteran suffering from testicular cancer.

OILMAN OF THE YEAR:

Until now, Ray R. Irani’s chief claim to fame was his role, as a director and head of KB Home’s compensation committee, in building up CEO Bruce Karatz’ total pay package to over $232 million for one years work.  Irani, who is CEO of Occidental Petroleum, has now turned his talents onto his own situation.  It was just announced that last year, Irani took home $460 million, one of the largest payouts ever collected by an executive at a U.S. public company.

BALLYHOO ON THE SOMETIMES BRAZEN BELLIGERANT BEHAVIOR OF OUR BEVY OF BILLIONAIRES:

All of the people on Forbes’ recent list of the 400 richest Americans were, for the first time, billionaires.  The collective net worth of these 400 people was $1.25 trillion, according to Forbes.

The recent sale of Tribune Co., which owns the Chicago Tribune, the Cubs, WGN, the L.A. Times and KTLA-TV in L.A., brought several of these rich boys out of the woodwork.

Sam Zell, who proudly calls himself the “grave dancer” and a “vulture investor” won out, but not before having a tiff with fellow billionaire Eli Broad who had teamed up in the competitive race with supermarket magnate Ron Burkle.

Zell is well known in California for buying rent controlled properties, removing the rent controls with deep-pockets-legal-persistence, and then raising the rents above any level the tenants can afford.

He insists he’s a builder, not a break-up artist, but as soon as the ink was dry on the Tribune deal, Zell and his wife were having dinner with music mogul David Geffen, who has been angling for the LA Times.

Meanwhile, billionaire Philip Anschutz may be called to testify in trials involving two other wealthy individuals and, if so, may, himself, be accused of previously providing false information.

Also, Jerry Perenchio, who became Arnold Schwarzenegger’s largest donor with a “gift” of over $4 million, sold his stake in the Spanish language media company, Univision, for $1.3 billion.  His original cost, 15 years ago, was $33 million.  The new owners include billionaire Halm Saban.

And cable mogul John Malone nailed down a 25% stake in Cox Communications for $1.28 billion.

Since very little here has any significance, please refrain from reading anything into the fact that these wealthy guys seem to have an inordinate interest in controlling our sources of information.

MOST SURPRISING NEWS:

Ten days ago, several of the Bush administration’s strong Arab allies actually condemned Washington’s foreign policy.  Saudi King Abdullah may have lost his hand-holding relationship with President Bush by referring to the war in Iraq as an “illegitimate foreign occupation.”

Even more surprising was Washington’s response that our troops were there “at Iraq’s invitation under a United Nations mandate.”  I’ve got to admit, I have no memory of that “invitation.”  Did Saddam send it by e-mail?

The South Florida Sun Sentinel reported Monday that the government doesn’t have the $400 million it will take to replace the important satellite used to track hurricanes. The existing satellite is expected to die this summer and it will take four years to replace it.  Last week it was announced at the National Hurricane Conference in New Orleans that the nation’s hurricane protection program is also under-funded by “hundreds of millions of dollars.”  This year’s hurricane season is predicted to be active with the possibility of 17 named storms, including nine hurricanes, five of which are projected to be intense.  Incidentally, our military operations, including the war in Iraq, consume $66 million per hour, 24/7.

MOST UNSURPRISING NEWS:

A federal judge in Chicago ruled last week that a lawsuit can go forward against Exxon, Marathon, Citgo and the U.S. affiliates of Royal Dutch Shell and BP, for intentionally limiting the available gasoline supply, driving up prices and thereby boosting profits.

The SEC charged two former in-house attorneys at Enron Corp with civil securities fraud last week in Houston, alleging that the men took part in a scheme to misrepresent transactions in Enron’s financial statements.

Also, Walt Disney Co. announced on Monday that it had uncovered about $323 million of illegally backdated options at its recently acquired Pixar Animation Studios.  Steve Jobs previously owned Pixar and continues to have an interest through his stake in Disney.  Jobs is also CEO of Apple, Inc. which is the object of a federal investigation related to the burgeoning backdating scandal.

And, in an interview last Saturday, Congressman Dennis Kucinich, Chairman of the Domestic Policy Subcommittee of the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform cited deepening suspicions “all over the country,” about the possibility that there may have been a 9/11 cover-up, as he announced his intention to investigate “two discreet areas that have major implications with respect to the story that Americans have been told…”

(oops, that may be significant…..sorry)

DOMESTIC HERO OF THE MONTH:

Stephon Marbury, who grew up in a poor neighborhood and became point guard for the New York Knicks, recently turned down a signing bonus for the sneaker he created so that it could be sold for $14.98 per pair, “a price mothers can handle.”

MISCELLANEOUS:

In what seemed like a dry run for a new “Vacation” movie, an Oregon man was arrested on vacation for having two of his children travel in the vehicle’s trunk.

In Alabama, an 81-year-old woman was arrested as a cocaine dealer in Mobile County.

The 86-year-old Miss America Pageant has been dropped by Country Music Television, leaving the competition without a TV outlet.

Also, in Washington State, an ad on the Craigslist website invited people to take whatever they wanted from a vacant rental home in Tacoma.  By the time, the landlord discovered the fake ad, the property had been stripped of everything including the kitchen sink, the light fixtures, and even the front door.

And here’s more bad news for ex-husbands.  A circuit judge in Clearwater, Florida ruled that a sex change operation by the ex-wife doesn’t void the alimony pact.

Finally, the Archbishop of Chicago sustained a slight fracture of the hip when he slipped on - yep, you guessed it again - holy water.

OBITS:

Few were saddened by the death of Jimmy Lee Smith, 76, one of the notorious killers whose crime was documented in the best selling book, “The Onion Field,” by Joseph Wambaugh. He died in a California detention center where he was serving time for one of his many parole violations, after serving his term for the murder of L.A. police officer Ian Campbell in an onion field near Bakersfield.

And finally, many inside and outside the NFL were saddened by the death of Darryl Stingley, 55, in Chicago. As a wide receiver for the New England Patriots, he was paralyzed from the neck down during an exhibition game on August 12, 1978, as a result of a broken neck sustained from a hard tackle by Jack Tatum, a safety for the Oakland Raiders.

Some people, including Darryl Stingley himself, felt that his handling after the accident may have contributed to his paralysis. His tight helmet was hastily removed, and he has been quoted as saying that he felt like a “bobble-head doll” as he was wheeled off the unusually rough playing surface.

Despite his extreme handicap, Stingley succeeded in completing his work towards a bachelor’s degree at Purdue in 1992.

He is believed to be the only NFL player to become a quadriplegic as a result of an injury on the field, although Mike Utley, a Detroit Lions guard, was paralyzed from the waist down as a result of a neck injury in a 1991 game.

Dave McGill, News Correspondent……………….

Dave’s column, “The Contrarian,” published every Wednesday to Gather Essentials: News will often present a contrary view to various aspects of the news, or an alternate take on the conventional wisdom of the day………….

Dave has been a senior officer of a large eastern insurance company, involved in economic projections and investment strategy, president of a Midwestern mortgage banking company, and a financial consultant in Southern California, serving clients in the field of commercial real estate development…………….

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