Avon divides its brochures and website into easy-to-figure-out categories. Skincare. Haircare. Fragrances. Bath and Body. Men's Products. Makeup. Fashion and Gifts. Outdoor Protection. The section that - to me - is the most exotic and elusive is Avon "Wellness." Need a compact mirror pill case? Find it in Avon Wellness. Need a light-up tray for your eyeglasses? Avon Wellness. Need a pair of "moisture control" pants? Avon Well... well, you get the picture. All the stuff you have no idea you need, heck, you have no idea even exists - Avon Wellness can set you up!
There is a curious lack of literature on the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches. A pair of crossed feet - each with a blinding white detox patch slapped across the arch - waves hello from the pages of the Avon brochure. "Detoxify while you sleep." I wasn't sure what that meant, but I ordered them anyway, figuring I could use them some dateless Saturday night (okay, all my Saturdays are dateless...) after my boys hunker down with a good book in bed.
I thought about ordering the Avon Pocket Dentist, too, an electric blue Swiss army knife-looking utensil with retractible picks and blades. The ad copy states that the "compact dental kit comes with 6 different tools that clean and help protect teeth when you're out and about." I could scrape plaque from my teeth while I detox! Alas, money is tight and a used demonstration dental pick is probably the last item I would ever sell, so I passed. I also passed on the Avon "Moisture Control Pants," even though I work up a good sweat on those weekly rounds.
The day the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches arrived both my boys were home from school for the third day with the hacking, green-runny-snotty, fever flu. I considered slapping the detox patches on their sweaty feet. I hovered near the couch, both boys huddled in three woven wool blankets each, their eyes crusted shut with virus boogers. I felt my youngest son's forehead. His arms rustled. He felt slightly cooler, perhaps 101 degrees instead of 103. The family pot-bellied pig grunted, his legs extended as if in rigor mortis, ample back against the heating vent.
My tummy gurgled, and I realized the prior twenty-four hours of nursemaid duty had taken a toll in the form of overindulgence. Sigh. An entire box of Cheese Nips, a pint of beer, a package of "oriental flavor" ramen noodles, all things salty, crisp and oh-so-alcoholic. I scooted next to the boys, grabbed an end of the blankets and covered my lap. I slipped off my fuzzy pink slippers (Avon) and peeled the backing off two of the detox patches. They looked like big tightly woven cotton bandages, the large rectangular kind school boys wear on their shins and elbows during soccer season.
The brochure told me the thick pad in the center contained exotic detoxifiers such as wood vinegar and green tea, and that these foot pads would extract body toxins, by stimulating acupressure points on the soles of the feet. A closer inspection of the ingredients list revealed the addition of tourmaline and camellia sinensis leaf extract. I slapped 'em on and closed my eyes, expecting to feel like a veritable forest of purity and gemstone light.
The instructions say to leave the patches on overnight, but no fewer than eight times my boys woke me for water, for juice, for popsicles. By morning the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches were soiled, wrinkled, and ragged. Ugh. I peeled them off and inspected them for leached toxins. I couldn't see any. I carried them between thumb and finger as if they were diseased, and dumped them in the trash. My feet felt funny - almost numb - from the experience.
The dead of viral night when one is gopher, nursemaid, and exhausted, full of Cheese treats and booze is probably not the best time to test the curative powers of the Avon Healthy Remedies Detox Patches, but to tell the Goddess Honest Truth, I actually felt a wee bit energized and slightly less bloated in the morning! The only thing that didn't feel so wonderful was... my teeth, which were gummy and coated with a thick film of saliva. Shoulda ordered the Avon Pocket Dentist...
Check out Birdie's blog, Beauty Dish, for more brutally honest Avon product reviews!
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Comments: 23
So, if it weren't for your articles, I wouldn't know that Avon was looking into "wellness" and "detox" -- that's really pretty good news. We could all use more awareness of the fact that we are exposed to toxins every day, everywhere we go.
Do they also offer unscented products?
And what about their new test market item for the youth / preteen girls' 'maturation' market with that fabulous, "My First Martini!" outfit available in time for the next holiday season! ;o)
You are just terrific!!!
Home dentistry... up until now that was limited to the string & doorknob loose tooth removal system.
I had no idea Avon had such an intriguing variety of gadgets. I admire your reserve in not spreading their catalogs over our Bermuda Cruise table. Instead we got to read your wonderful essays! Much to be preferred.
I went to school in Suffern NY where Avon had its first manufacturing plant and I remember the terrible sore throats I got from the emissions from their smoke stacks. That awful slightly sweet and rancid odor... not of course that it came from the products themselves. Probably the emissions came from the detoxification of those products.
( That's what my little niece used to say. She was 30 at the time and had a fondness for drink).
Seriously!
Dannielle - Avon DOES offer some unscented products. They now carry unscented antipersperant and some unscented face and body and hand creams. I think they are trying to move toward more natural products overall, and I applaud this effort.
Julian - I am NOT kidding, I actually HAD A DREAM with the damn Pocket Dentist (think Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors)!!!!!
One night, when I'm not full of cheese treats and booze, I just may try those things. If Avon don't have you on permanent retainer, I'd be asking why..
now you've got me thinking about beautifying and depoisonifying myself...a hopeless endeavor, but i like a challenge...
I just love you , cause you make me laugh. And if I lived in Las Vegas ( I have family living their) I know who I would sell "Avon" to. Now about those dateless Saturday Nights? The men in Las Vegas have got to be stupid they haven't found a Wonderful, Humerous and Sweet lady like you. Mr. Right is out their somewhere he'll come along just when you least expect him......
Happy New Year to all.....
To Your Success
Bob