Flame - a novel - Chapter One (Thriller)

Wow! My first anonymous drive-by ten!

:: cherishes it ::

John loved it....nice air of mystery...you have created enough background without going overboard (no pun intended) you have left your reader wanting more. Where is chapter 2?

I'm your second, does that count for anything?

Do I even want to ask....you are my second WHAT Donny?

I liked this. The bit about Dawn and Paul sleeping in separate beds was unexpected and funny, which is kind of unusual for a thriller. You've provided enough detail to make it interesting - didn't know Canadians liked ketchup so much. The one place where I think you've got too much detail is the three paragraph background about Dawn and Paul. I'd take it out, maybe save it for another place in the book. It didn't flow right for me. This is good; keep it up.

I agree with Nancy -- the background info on Dawn and Paul seems misplaced, and breaks the flow of the chapter.

Also, to be picky, it's Seasonal AffectIVE Disorder, and I think you could leave off the end of the sentence (the part about it being known as SAD).

I like where the plot is going, though. Good start.

Nancy: Done.

Jaye: Done and done.

God I love being able to edit on the fly!

Good Job John...one mispelling - quiet instead of quite.
There is no University of Cuba- there are universities for each of the provinces of Cuba. YOur best bet would be La Universidad de Habana, founded in the 1700's and I think it specializes in the sciences. My mom went there. i think it was the first university of the americas.
The chapter was just enough information for us to get to meet hte charachters yet open enough to want us to read more.
Good job.

Annie: Done and done.

Chapter One Review –

You mentioned, in some comments on your prologue, about the difficulties in describing a person's physical attributes – from the first-person perspective.

Case in point:

"Though Paco was short by American standards at 5'4", he still towered over Dawn's compact 4'8" frame…"

This is clunky and awkward.

Try: "Paco towered over Dawn, but that wasn't saying much. Anyone over five feet tall towered over her."

Unless Paco's height is an important plot point, it's not necessary to give numbers, and I've told you how tall Dawn is without telling you exactly how tall Dawn is. See?

Later descriptions, of shipmates, are much better.

Good job on the dialogue. I get a feel for who these people are.

They've found Atlantis, this I know. And, now the god-of-the-chest (forgot his name already) will be unleashed. Right? A new twist on the proverbial Pandora's Box theme?

Keep working on it. J

---Chandra said: "Unless Paco's height is an important plot point, it's not necessary to give numbers, and I've told you how tall Dawn is without telling you exactly how tall Dawn is. See?"

I do see. Excellent suggestion.

---Chandra said: "They've found Atlantis, this I know. And, now the god-of-the-chest (forgot his name already) will be unleashed. Right? A new twist on the proverbial Pandora's Box theme?"

Nailed it!

So, what's my prize? For nailing it, I mean?

Please, whatever you do...give the story some twists and turns.

The mind reels with the possibilities.... LOL

Hah, I was right about the shift to present (or near future) day. You might want to avoid using a specific near-future date in the novel. It may prematurely date your story.

A few word choices brought me slightly out of the story. "A sunken freighter perhaps?" sounds a little stilted.

So, it looks like they found Atlantis, rather than one of the three things I predicted in the prologue. Well, they could still find the 'god' or the spaceship as part of finding Atlantis. In that case the knowledge crystal could come in handy. Of course knowing how to use hem would come in handy too. I wounder if that knowledge got handed down through some kind of secret society. That could get hokey, but it could also be fun. Just depends on how originally you do it.

---Chandra said: "Please, whatever you do...give the story some twists and turns."

---Dale said: "I wounder if that knowledge got handed down through some kind of secret society. That could get hokey, but it could also be fun. Just depends on how originally you do it."

Well, if you guys don't mind, please check out my partial synopsis of the entire book. I have it 90% outlined. I only have up to Chapter One actually written. Please let me know if A) It has enough twists and turns, and B) if it is original or hokey.

Flame - partial/incomplete synopsis
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976950120

Suggestions on how to end it will be greatly appreciated.

Warm regards,
John

As a long-haired chick for, well, forever, I can tell you a ponytail and a braid are not the same. If she braided it, it is a braid. :)

Again, there isn't much to pick on here. I like it. I like Paul (with his goofy grin) and I like Dawn, too. I don't even know why, which is surely a good sign that you've done your work well. I am a character reader and it's the little things that bring them to life. I like it. I understand it, have some idea where it's going (not to much) and it flows really well. When you get more, I'll be ready to read.

Stephanie

P.S. I don't rate, sorry.

Nice hook at the end. Your premise looks good, but you could use a bit of polish.

A woman who stands only 4'8" tall is the size of an average ten-year-old girl. For an adult, this is beyond cute; it's a pain in the neck. Is her abnormal stature a critical characteristic? If not, I'd grow her a bit. Otherwise, you need to address the problems her stature creates - not being able to reach stuff, difficulty finding appropriate clothing, not being able to see over things or put her feet on the floor when she sits in a chair, and so on.

Watch the adverbs. You use a lot of them, and you don't need most of them.

In your opening paragraph, 'light knocking' is awkward. I'd use tapping.
You don't need to say 'slowly dragged' - the slowness is implied by the dragging.
You don't need to say that she grunted quietly - grunting is usually quiet anyway.
You could leave out the 'being' in 'being careful.'
'Pouring' should be 'poring.'
Explaining that the nightstand folds down is superfluous and interrupts the flow. Let it go - if it's important, it'll become obvious later.

You really don't need this sentence: 'Every inch of real estate was valuable aboard a ship, which was why she and Paul had been sleeping separately for the last three months.' The fact that they're in bunks has already told us that space is limited, and that they aren't sleeping in the same bed.

'Paco had a large mug of coffee waiting for her as Dawn stepped out of the head.' Should be '...when she stepped out of the head.'

Also, contractions are your friends. People don't say, "I am awake." They say, "I'm awake."

Good luck. You've made a good start here.

Cathy

Hi Catherine,

I made the changes you suggested.

My friend Dawn, whom the main character is named after, is 4'8"... :-)

That last line nailed me. "Sunken city" knocked me off my chair. I hadn't read the Prologue first, and actually, I preferred it that way. Probably why I was caught off guard by the last line. Please take a look at my Prologue and Chapter One of my novel, The Line.

You can read it here...well, it doesn't seem to be showing up unless I am logged in.

Good job!