Birdie's Formal Review of the Upcoming Avon Tiara Boom-De-Ay

As a prominent Avon blogger, each quarter Avon sends me an advanced sample of a new product. Regular reps get the same advanced sample one month later. Honestly, most of the time these advanced samples aren't that interesting, and I rarely write about them, but every now and then, something comes along that I just can't help but talk about. This is such a product.

This past Friday, the mailman handed me a large cardboard box. I braced myself, expecting it to be heavy, but it weighed next to nothing. Most Avon advanced samples are small - tiny unlabled jars of reformulated face creams, sticks of mascara that fit in a business envelope. I raised one eyebrow and tore open the package.

In the box was a clear plastic wrap printed with red, white and blue fireworks, with a zipper opening, so you can return the product after use. A white label with big black print adorned one side. Avon Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM. I carefully pulled out the item, trying not to let the packing peanuts drop to the floor. It appeared to be made mostly of foam rubber with a copper-colored patina, and was slightly deformed from shipping but nothing that wouldn't correct itself once released from the package.

Avon holiday gifts are a staple of any Avon Lady's business, and a must-have for many customers who use and even collect them. The biggest holiday season occurs in the deep winter, of course, when Avon sells Christmas lights, delicate menoras, and even the occasional Kwanza item. This product will definitely become a collectible - I know I'm keeping it. Heck, it might even make Fourth of July a new Avon blockbuster!

The Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM is a foam rubber replica of the crown worn by Lady Liberty, with the following features:

Around the inside rim are tri-colored battery-operated brightly glowing panels of red, white, and blue. But the real surprise - according to the accompanying descriptive sales literature - is the "brilliant-bright sound-activated high-intensity light-emitting faux pearls" found at the tip of each point. The instructions state that these are "sound activated only by the sound of fireworks and other explosive devices" and "are stylized to match any Party Wear, whether you are celebrating at the beach or at the Country Club."

Wow! It's only the end of March, how do I test the product? I searched the junk drawer in the kitchen, knowing that I had a small pack of firecrackers and sparklers from last July but my two young boys, 10 and 12, must have snuck them out of the house. Not to be deterred, I enlisted their help to see if some other loud noises could activate the "brilliant-bright sound-activated high-intensity light-emitting faux pearls." I placed the Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM on my head. It slips on easily, and seems to clasp the head with reinforcing springs inside the foam.

The instructions say that a built-in pressure switch will automatically power on the lights once placed on the head. Sure enough, the tri-color glowing panels came to life immediately just when I could feel the pressure switch pressing against my forehead. To tell the truth, it's kind of an odd feeling, so I would suggest that prior to product roll-out, Avon might consider a manually operated switch in the back that doesn't apply pressure to the head, leaving a little red dot on the skin.

My boys were ready. They clapped their hands - I joined them - but the faux pearls did not budge. They smashed some pans together, making a huge clanging noise - at least as loud as the Liberty Bell - but the pearls refused to flash. They blew up balloons and jumped on them together. By now our dog was adding her bark to the fray. Our pot-bellied pig simply laid on the kitchen floor, snout between hooves, watching the strange March Fourth of July activities.

We tried blowing the car horn, slamming doors, blowing up paper bags and popping them, screaming, a Native American drum, rocks against the sidewalk, and my older son's air gun - which he inadvertantly aimed at me and blew the Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM off my head, but the faux pearls refused to participate. 10 looked at me as I reattached the Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM to my head.

 "Hey, mom! Why don't we ask the cowboys to shoot their guns?"

Brilliant.

I walked across the street and knocked on my neighbors' door. Emilio answered, a bottle of Corona in his hand. He looked at the Boom-De-Ay^TM first, even though I was wearing a low-cut halter top.

 "Ma'am?"

Emilio couldn't tear his eyes from the pearls.

"Hey, Emilio, I need some help."

"Is that thing stuck to your head?"

Emilio placed his bottle on the cement stoop and readied his arms to yank the Boom-De-Ay^TM off my head.

"No! No, it's just fine. It's the new Avon Boom-De-Ay^TM for Fourth of July. You know."

"Birdie, are you sure? I think maybe this is for Halloween?"

"Well, no, Emilio, it has this special feature where the pearls light up at the sound of fireworks."

I explained my troubles to Emilio - told him about our fruitless tin can band. He picked up his bottle, tipped his head, and emptied the remaining beer into his mouth.

"Birdie, let's get in the truck."

We drove the half-hour to Mora, my boys and I stuffed into the extended cab with Emilio. The boys tried to tie each other up with one of my friend's lassos as I read the sales literature out loud.

"Warning. Do Not Attempt to Drive With Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM Activated. Produces VERY BRIGHT flashes of light that could be distracting to other drivers."

"Geeze, Emilio, I really hope we can get this thing going - it sounds so cool!"

By now, the sun had set. The truck made its way past the State Park. The waning moon bounced off Storree Lake. I wondered what the Boom-De-Ay^TM would look like at the edge of the water, it's faux pearls casting rays past the dock. We arrived at Emilio's family ranch and everyone stepped into the near-freezing March night.

Emilio's brother brought out several hunting rifles and a shotgun, along with a six pack of Negro Modela. The men twisted the tops and readied their firearms.

"Boys! Stay in the truck! This is dangerous!"

Emilio looked at me - well, looked at the Boom-De-Ay^TM - and rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry. They won't get hurt. We know what to do."

The ranch women stood on the wrap around porch. Emilio's grandmother wore her long hair in braids wound around her head. She smoked a cigar. The men faced north, towards a big stack of hay.

BANG! BOOM! CRACK!

The Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM lit up on cue, like a carnival ride! The boys jumped out of the truck and danced! The tri-color panels went from a simple glow to a disco syncopated dancing display! The pearls, man, the pearls. When Avon says bright.... these were absolutely blinding and lit up the entire Mora Valley. I could clearly see cigar smoke exiting Gramma Emilio's nostrils eighty feet away. The pearls didn't merely flash. They pulsed! Like flash bulbs, followed by a pause while they seemed to be repowering up! And then another overwhelming pulse of light! Everyone was really quite startled by it. Rumsfeld's "Shock and Awe's" got nothin' on Avon! Everyone agreed it was quite amazing.

Once the noises stopped and the pearls died down, I took the Boom-De-Ay^TM off my head and placed it in its zippered compartment, and waved goodbye to Gramma Emilio. We piled back in the truck. My boys fell asleep immediately, tangled in cowboy rope. I thought about how many Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM I would sell this coming summer, especially since Avon indicates in the literature that they are bundling it with the Anew Clinical Lift and Tuck: Liberate Your Look with Lift and Tuck this Fourth of July!

Emilio reached over and flicked on the radio. Salsa music filled the cab. He twisted a knob and increased the base to an ear-melting level. The Tiara Boom-De-Ay^TM pearls lit back up apparently not caring whether the pressure switch was activated! We drove the half-hour home to our little New Mexican town, the Boom-De-Ay^TM making the truck a roving Latin Disco.