THE DISPOSAL QUANDARY

With the big eight-two come and gone, I can't help but think about what's coming next. Hopefully, a few more birthdays, but there can't be many, and with this in mind, I've finally begun to think about disposition of the "earthly remains".

Frankly, I'm annoyed that I have so few options. It seems my only choices are burial, cremation, or donation to a medical school. Of course, I hope there will be a few usable parts that can be cut and pasted to another human who needs them, but what about the leftovers?

I know that the matter and energy of which my current conformation is composed will continue to exist, in one form or another, as it has always existed. And I know that it will eventually return to the infinite cosmic store to be recycled once again. What I want is a choice of ways to get it there, other than decomposition underground or by a quick flash of heat, light and ashes in a roaring furnace.

What I truly desire is to be made into catfood and given to my three little fur-buddies. I think it would be wonderful to actually become part of their growth and nature. The thought of evolving into cat-hood through consumption is very pleasing to me. To know that "my" protein will survive by nourishing my little companions delights me. Sure, I'll turn into cat shit eventually, but what the hell.  I'll still be part of the planet.

Unfortunately, there seems to be no way to expedite this desire. I am wondering, however, what would happen if I left final instructions that my remains are to be kit and kaboodled and shipped off to Purina for processing. I bet the ensuing legal battle would make a great script for "Boston Legal"... I'd love to see David E. Kelley deal with it.

At this point in my deliberations, I'd appreciate some alternate suggestions as to the most efficient way to recycle the stuff "I" currently inhabit. All comments will be voraciously and gratefully ingested.  And the first person who says "Solent Green" will receive a box of lime Oreos.