These past few days

Monday

As of recent, I have been receiving via email, from friends on my public blog accounts, criticism, advice, were I can get some good weed, and recommendations for some good therapist, conversing professionally about my people concerns, if any; I think. Still, my decisions are always up to me. I, so far, in theses past few months, have been writing about my ups and downs on personal issues with people, places, events and so forth. Liberation does not come free of regretful feelings and past dreaded experiences, though it is very enlightening once you realize and admit to it, however, one needs to coup de grace, his or hers little imp’s of despair even after enlightenment even after liberation.

I do not like holding it in; I will speak my mind and say what I have to say. I have seen it before, and it has gone as far as taken lives; keeping silent.

I am deep, but not endless like a pit in Spartan. Things do sit in the bottom of my deep, in the dark parts, in the black mist, Those things sometimes walk around stirring the black mist, sometimes those things are just sitting and waiting, when it is real quite and you put your ear to the Edge of your deep, you can hear, so faintly, whispers, of what lurks in the bottom of your depth. The ones you don’t hear, but are still there, they wait, and when you are not looking, not listening, slowly they climb up to the edge of your being, it’s takes years, but they’ll get there, if somehow you notice what has crept to your edge, then that can ether be an opportunity to strike, expose, and toss it out of the hole, or it can be your gauge. You, a puppet, to your mischievous sprite.

Liberation does not come free of regretful feelings and past dreaded experiences, though it is very enlightening, once you realize and admit to it. However, one needs to 'coup de grace', his or hers little imp’s of despair even after enlightenment even after liberation.

Here is something I wrote just a few weeks ago:

“Promptly, I can be a foolish man now and then, mostly in the matters concerning adoration for others, who isn’t? But never, will my self esteem allow me to be committed to anyone who is not committed to me, nor will I subject myself to needless abuse, unless, the abuse I am willingly tolerate can find an end with time, at any time I begin, also, feeling the challenge is with a reward that heals the cuts and bruises towards it”

I believe, the company I keep, reflects who I am on some level, and the levels of intimacy I have with that company expresses the depths of my nature.

I’ve been writing stuff this whole year, so far, and it all comes down to me, and the choices I make, what I am challenging and dealing with, the consequence, the results, the new places, the new faces. It is not so hard for me to be like everyone else, but I choose not to, instead, to strive for the best, the best in what I think has worth. I really-really believe, the company I keep reflects who I am on some level, and the levels of intimacy I have with that company expresses the depths of my nature.

Sunday

Last night for a brief moment I stared at a flame, dancing, till it dwindled, I feel asleep feeling like crap, I woke up, feeling like crap, not like a hangover or a cold or anything like that; even though I went to bed piss drunk on beer. But drained, emotionally drained. I was aching, I was moaning, I was exploding inside, were is all this fucken-fire coming from? I keep thinking to myself. I had enough, this is stupid, the game is over, so I did it, I spilled it out, and it felt so good, to say what I had to say, I learned a little more afterward in the sun, and it was very satisfying. I’m not alone, I wasn’t wrong, at least not all the way, the heavy in my throat and torso was gone, and the cold feeling was gone, no more howling inside, I understood, I think I always understood, finally, it was always me, warmth is wonderful, being human is better than being an angle.

A few days ago, I was hurt, really bad, by someone who has grown deep to me over the years, and I didn’t know the reason why, that, not knowing, made the hurt worse, not knowing why, and I just chalked it up to stuff, old stuff, little things from here and there, then, finally, I was told why, even when bad things happen to you, at least when you know the reason why, it alleviates the pain a little, gets the healing going quicker with rational. I still kept my dignity in tact; except for last night when I got home, I was a mess, but my friends on my computer kept me cool.