Todd Junior's heartfelt request drifts on the clear Florida morning breeze like the sweet sound of a Chihuahua giving birth to a litter of St. Bernards;
"I WANNA SEE MICKEY AND GOOFY!"
Dad rubs his eyes and says, "Look son, we've gone over this already. We've been to Disney World three times a year for the past nine years. We have the theme songs from every ride memorized. We're on a first name basis with all the ride attendants. I figure that we've spent around three grand each time we've gone there, which means that at this point Disney has something like $81,000 of our money. This time we're going to try something a little different."
Mom smiles at Todd Junior and says, "Besides, Key West will be fun! There are lots of gift shops!"
"Will there be rides?" sobs Todd Junior.
"No, but there are some of the best transvestite bars in North America," chirps Little Suzie, looking up from the copy of The Modern Queen's Guide To The Florida Keys that Mom mistakenly bought along with her Frommer's.
"I'll get everybody a new T-shirt!" says Mom, snatching the book out of Little Suzie's hands and tossing it into the pool.
And so The Family waves goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa, leaves the friendly confines of the Golden Palmetto Bug Motor Lodge in Pompano Beach and heads south. "Key West, here we come! Just 198 miles to go!" sings Mom.
Seven hours, a tank of gas, eleven drive-through's, and fifteen potty stops later, they pull into Key West. "That drive wasn't so bad," says Mom through clenched teeth.
"We're going to abandon the car here and fly home," says Dad.
"Look!" cries Little Suzie, "It's the Café La-Te-Da, home of the All Star She-Male Review…"
"I have to go poop," grunts Todd Junior.
Before long, The Family is walking happily down Duval street. Todd Junior, sporting a brand new "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt is trying to convince Little Suzie to walk next to him. Little Suzie gives the rest of her melting chocolate ice cream cone to Todd Junior to supplement the interesting brown abstract artwork already in progress on the front of his shirt. Dad is wearing his new wrap-around sunglasses, trying not to get caught staring at the two young women wearing rollerblades and thong bathing suits on the sidewalk ahead of them.
Bernie the Schnauzer is temporarily forgotten, still tied to the streetlamp outside the gift shop where Dad purchased his sunglasses and four of the always-hilarious Invisible Dog On A Leash novelties.
And then Mom spots it – the fabled Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum! Where else can you see, under one roof, a car made from ten thousand dimes, a two-headed calf, a vampire killing kit, a fake mermaid, and an autographed pair of Madonna's underpants?
And so, as the sun sets on Key West, the home of Ernest Hemingway's six-toed cats and the southernmost point in the Continental United States, we leave The Family, reaching the pinnacle of their vacation in a rigorous celebration of culture and the true spirit of scientific inquiry.
Next week: Something completely different.
Copyright © 2007, Michael Ball
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