Hi everyone
It looks to be a gorgeous day outside today. Girls went out the door just carrying jackets(just in case). I've an appointment near Lake Calhoun today, then I'll be dropped off so Brian can go visit his pets and Coni...I'm thinking that instead of a library, I should find a park or something--or a library near a park, lol--just in case . Also, they are giving us the frame from Shawn's old waterbed(ty)--I'm gonna use it to make beds for my girls.
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...many many moons ago(and $5,000 +), I'd had a Cali King bed, took it apart, and made a really nice dresser out of it. But that was before the seperation, and the money I foolishly wasted on a rebound romance; thinking I was moving to Idaho, where I'd been drawn in by a preacher, nonetheless, when what I really needed was a true friend and some spiritual guidance.
I was sending him money for the move he was going to help us(me and my kids) with, not to mention a place to live...but he borrowed most of it to use for his bike (a Kawasaki Voyager) and whatever, and when I got out there...there was nothing. BUT he said we could easily replace it by working the summer doing carpentry/handman-type stuff(which I like and am good at). Then we took on his best-friends place FOR FREE. And it took the 2 1/2 months I was out there, I missed my daughter's birthday(talk about feeling like crap), and had to borrow money from my folks to get back home again....all with his crappy promises still ringing in my ears. He kept telling me he "loved" me, that "God would work everything out if it was meant to be", and to "wait and see".
When I got back home, he started going out with a lady closer to his own age(50) who had lots of money...I called him to see what was going on..he told me his bestfriend(Heather) had gotten married. I'm like "cool. " She seemed nice and we got along well, but I didn't know that Dan(preacher) was in love with her, and had been using me to make her jealous. I asked about everything he'd said to me, and he got defensive. I said "I thought you'd loved me" and he bitched nice and loud "I don't love you! I love HER!" and hung up. Man, that hurt. That was the one thing that had kept me being so damn dumb, was the thought that I was lovable again. And needed.
And so, I had screwed myself over. I was broke, needed to get back on welfare again, and had to live with my parents for over 3 years. It was hard for all of us. I do not want to keep screwing up, so I won't get married again until after Tabetha graduates(about 8 years). Dan made so many promises to them(over the phone and in letters), that I'll never be able to keep. At least I can keep us together...that's part of the reason why letting Bekka move out was so hard on me/us last week. We're together in heart, tho'.
It's also why I don't trust people much, am leary and cautious of promises, and why the nature of my religion changed--but that one was for the good. It was hard for me, I did not want to be called any type of Christian, because of Dan and his clan of followers or whatever. I fought tooth and nail not to be like any of them. But I had a strong inner voice, and when I'd pray/meditate(to me, it's one in the same), I'd hear that of course I didn't need to be like them. Also, it was a test--a very hard and painful one, no less--and although I did not pass with flying colors, I made it through just the same. When I'd go to meditate, it was always in the open, where I can easily find the spirits surrounding me: lake, trees, grasses, animals--everything. And my God. Do I believe in a Goddess? I guess in someway, I do. If he can be "Father, Son, and Holy Spirit" why not "Mother" too? I believe that although I screw up many many times, I'm here for a purpose, I'm being watched over, and that yeah, my screw ups are mine, but my life was written before I was ever born(I'm not one of those who can quote the bible word for word, or tell ya where to find it, I just know it's in there). I also believe in things that others do not. Magic. Reincarnation. I'm finding the truths of Zen and Buddah to be all encompassing(at least, for me). I'm learning alot as I go, and getting more curious, too. I'm reading books on everything, and trying to better myself. I'm fighting major depression and anxiety(it's where I get stuck most often..very very hard). I'd given up before, but I've made some changes this past year alone, and I'm trying to not give up or out again. I appologize to anyone I've personally hurt along my journey. It's a long, rough road, but I'm sticking to it.
{I thought, since not too many here know me, I'd share some of my past with y'all...maybe it'll help. Can't neccessarily hurt, can it?}
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Comments: 7
It takes courage to share these person pieces of yourself here. I am sure that you sharing your experiences will help someone else to feel like they are not the "only one" going through discouraging experiences. Just as you are not a loser neither is anyone else who struggles through these experiences. I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing.
Well... We are spirits, who can no doubt meet and know each other inside out as spirits; so what is it to come to earth, where the nature of things is all exclusion... What is this but a huge lesson in loneliness, self, isolation. But "what on earth" for?
Myself, I spent decades like a cylinder of teflon, inside and out, engaging anything intellectually, almost nothing emotionally. To "be good" I did things that were needed, but something was forever missing. Over-working just kept me too busy to explore my questions.
You're exploring, you're asking, you're on a path. That's a whole lot. Trust yourself.