I SURRENDER - AN UPDATE ON PUBLISHING MY MEMOIR

                     WISHING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT

 Let's see. Ten rejections, two more possibilities.

Whatever else the experience has been of attempting to publish my memoir it certainly has been a trip. A trip that initially felt like I was on a  frenzied roller coaster ride that over the course of six months has settled down to almost a complete halt.

Like most pleasurable experiences, like falling in love, the present and the future were initially filled with great expectations reinforced by grandiose fantasies of a bidding war, throngs of buyers on a whirwind book tour, invited to be a guest on NPR twice in one day, and grateful recipient of a notable book review in the New York Times, to mention only a few of the residuals of securing a book contract from a major publishing house.

My first submission was on the heels of the James Frey scandal. How could I miss, I wondered. He lied through his teeth and still Amazon indicates that he still has a huge following. He claimed he had written a non fiction memoir that turned out to be largely fiction; whereas I have a memoir that reads like fiction that is an absolutely non fiction account of a behind the scenes of a drug rehabilitation center. Giddy with the comparison I couldn't wait for what I felt had to be a universally positive reception from virtually every publisher I submitted my memoir to.

Then hard nosed reality began to arrive taking the form of a steady stream of rejections. The average time to hear the discouraging news has generally ranged from two to 4 weeks averaging three weeks for most of them to be be received by my agent.  

All publishers send notes back to the agent. "Compelling"  has been the most frequently used word followed by an incomprehensible phrase that reads something like: "but we don't quite know how best to market it."

For the first 9 rejections I would pour over each word of the obscure brief notes hoping to ferret some clue as to how to make the next submission more effective. Indeed I think some of this effort may be of eventual value. But the truth is that what is missing that would seal the deal is just not clear.

The last three rejections have felt as if I have been teased. Each of them sounded as if the publisher was tantalizingly close to offering me a contract but not c l o s e enough to close the deal.

One recent night while pondering my desire and attempts to be published I had a striking revelation. My wishes, excitement, hopes, dreams of glory on the positive side as well as my fears, anxieties, frustrations, tensions, on the negative have absolutely nothing to do with the present or future outcome. That is, once submitted the final decision is out of my and my agent's hands.

Dah! you say. Yes I have intellectually known that from the beginning. But it is like being a kid the night before Christmas when you hope that your wishes and your excitement will actually create the hoped for bountiful reality of the next day.

I am still hopeful and will continue to press on - even if I have to self publish - but over the last few days I have found myself in an unexpected relatively placid place of unexcited resignation. This seems remarkable to me as I have tended for the last seventy years to anticipate heights of future pleasure as if each new day was like going to a desireable party. I have tended to forget that many a party I actually attended turned out to be uneventful at best and often disappointing at worst.

I find my resigned state to be particularly noteworthy and unusual for me given the fact that the last two submissions are still out - a period of 10 weeks. In the old days I would have been flying around my room, utterly convinced that  no news had to be a sure sign of potentially great news without a DOUBT. Now, as I write this down, I still feel calm and relaxed.

So I have come full circle. The initial trip down wild rapids has wound down to an almost calm stillness.

 YET.... 10 weeks and no response from submissions #11 and #12.   Good God could this be the harbinger of a potential bidding war?