Now I don't say things for pity, it is just a fact. He is aging, and he has literally given up on good health. The doctors have given up on him and put him in a nursing home to await the inevitable. It's not what they've said so much as what they've done that drives the point home.
I usually don't focus on death much, mostly because it isn't important to me. It has no real grasp on my life, and I refuse to let thoughts of that final departure taint my now with those I love. I'll miss them when they are gone, not beforehand.
What brings this to the blog is my mother. She called me in tears the other day needing me to come over and talk. She was worried about her father's passage, and needed someone to lean on in her grief.
Well I'm mean. I won't let her grieve until he is gone. He is still here, and she should cherish every moment for all it is worth instead of worrying about what we all know will happen to us at sometime.
Instead, I raged and complained. About the DRs who refuse to treat him aggressively, about his refusal to do any more rehabilitation, about the whole family's reluctance (and achingly slow forward movement) towards naturopathy for health, about nearly everything concerning my grandpa's current condition. See, I know for a fact that he can regain his health with the proper diet and natural healing methods, combined with traditional medicine and a lot of physical therapy. Give the man a DR more stubborn than he is who actually gives a carp, and grandfather will be walking (a little, with a walker) again in 2 years or less. He's been bed-ridden for over 4 years now, and the DRs keep sending him home with unhealed bedsores and other various infections. They just don't care anymore.
My mother stopped her crying, sat up straight, and agreed. She will try to convince my grandparents to see a naturopath here in the city. She will not mourn her father until he has moved beyond this life's journey, and she will try to enjoy the time she has left as if she doesn't know the end is near. It's really all she can do. That, or curl up in a ball, give up and cry into her pillow, possibly missing the last moments she may ever have with him because she is too busy missing what is still there.
To me, that is no choice at all.
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Comments: 20
If he has been "bedridden" for the past four years, the chances of him walking independently again are extremely slim . Muscles atrophy when not used, and while you don't mention his age, I can imagine him in his late 70's, at least.
When it comes to an elderly parent, I've been there and done that.
It is possible and I think a good thing to be dealing with your grief and doing the best you can for them as far as therapy and doctors and living in the moment and enjoying them to the fullest every moment you have with them.
It is possible to do both at the same time, I have.
If you push the grief part away and wait to deal with it, experience it, feel it, it just makes it harder later.
It is normal for your mom to feel what she is feeling.
I am glad that you encouraged her to get the best for her dad right now, and enjoy him right now, but please, let her grieve when she needs to.
Hugs for your mom.
I'll talk to her anytime if it might help.
I maybe would not have been so "hard" on my mother if it were not for the fact that for the last 15 years she has asked me to read "Death Be Not Proud" at her funeral because she beleives that death is a weak and pallid thing. I was stunned at her quick flip to relinquishing her own life's enjopyment to that spectre at the first sign that one of her loves is soon to pass.
The doctors and my mother (a liscenced phys therapist) all say the same thing about rehab, but I know they are nuts with negative thought. If there is muscle, it can be worked. Muscle that can be worked can be built up. Muscle that can be built up can be made to support weight, etc. Yes he is about 80-some-odd at this point, but he knows how hard the rehab will be. He's had over 40 operations on his neck, back, and knees over his life, so he is no stranger tio willpower and pain combined to create new health. my mother says that since his ankles have begun to turn inwards, he will never walk again, but I say that children born with that turn wear braces to correct the problem, and eventually they can walk just fine. I really don't see how a LOT of work, braces, and steady rehab can't at least let him get himself out of bed and to the porta-potty with a walker in about two years. Sure would cure that bedsore problem anyway, even if he is stubborn and keeps demanding to go home without a full-time aide.
It's all in the strength of positive thinking, logic, and willpower. It CAN be done, now is the question of wether the ones that count will listen to me before it is too late.
I hope that you can get them to the point they find someone willing to work with him in that direction.
His age shouldn't matter.
I do believe that life can be good at that age and that that should be the aim and goal of any therapy.
I hate it when someone's age determines the care or lack of care they get.
Blessed be, Kryistina
I'm a pretty proactive kind of person. I abhore stagnation. Kinda inherited that trait from my grandparents really, mostly from my grandfather. I am ready for him to pass if that is what he wants to do, but he insists on hanging on, for his wife. We all know she would not be long here without him. Recovery is the only option.
After every surgery, he worked back up, and was fully capable even with a new hip, a fake knee, and a permanently straight leg. He never stopped, and nobody could make him stop being stubborn, productive, usefull... Then he had one last operation. An operation on his neck to remove some bone spurs caused his spinal chord to swell, putting him stuck in a bed. At that point, he hadn't given up. But after several months of his caregivers and doctors "offering" him methods of rehabilitation that he could not use because of the way his body worked (required bending of both legs, for example) instead of finding methods that would work, his body was so weak (even though the swelling had gone down by then) and the caregivers so negative that he was convinced that he would never be a capable human being again.
He hates himself for being a burdeon on his wife and family. (not what we say, what he says) He says things like "I know I'm killing her" and "one of these days, I'm just going to smother myself with this pillow". He is exceedingly unhappy. So unhappy that he has even allowed his mind to begin slipping. His depression and apathy run so deep now that only the most stubborn, forcefull, and positive medical professional could get through to him now.
There are two kinds of "better" in his situation. Being able to feed himself, talk on the phone and go to the toilet without help, or death. As it is, every time I see him, I greive what he used to be, how he had so much joy, sarcasm, and wit. How he'd torment us all with crazy little things like the story of "windercella and ser hree sugly tisters" and regale us with tales of his past and stories of WWII. Now he just says hello, watches T.V. and sleeps. I grieve WITH him for what HE has lost. I want for HIM to have back what HE wants but cannot dig out of his depression enough to see the possibility for.
I'm tired of my strong grandfather being crippled not by his body, but by his depression. Without that overwhelming sadness, he would be free to be the stubborn, overbearing man he has always been, and no amount of negativity from someone with a degree could stand in his way.
The doctors have drugged him and are waiting for him to die.
Don't worry about his memories, they are all here within me, my mother, my aunt, his wife, his other grandchildren, his great grandchildren... We are a long line of storytellers. His stories will live on forever.
Talk to your grandfather about his thoughts, and listen. He may too be a believer and wish to join God in the spirit. After all, the spirit is what really counts so be happy for the time he has given you and pray for his live when gone from here.
I think the waiting is the worst. That and watching the wasting away of the person you love.
Lee has some valid points. Having been a geriatric nurse for more than 25 years, I can attest to the fact that sometimes, old folks merely "get tired" , and no amount of antidepressants can deter them from the desire to be rid of the pain, the dependence, and yes, the guilt of being a burden. I'm not saying I agree with it, but it does happen. Listen to Lee...talk to Grandpa, and really listen to what HE desires.
I really hate to bring this up, but, you know, there are some wonderful hospice programs out there. Hospice has changed a great deal in the past several years. They no longer only acccept the "actively dying" into their programs. They can be of immense help to both the patient and the family. It might help you and your family, including Grandpa, deal with his disability, and to understand HIS point of view.
By the way, I seriously empathize with your situation, as I have been going thru a similar one with my Dad...He's 82, with severe emphysema, tethered to an oxygen tank, with a cigarette in his hand.
If my grandfather could make up his mind about what he wanted, I would understand, but for now, I think he is as in the dark about his true desires as we are. That's the real problem in our particular situation. Talking it out should help him to decide what he really wants out of what is left of his life.
I'm sorry to hear about your father. *comfort*
Kim