Family

When asked what family means, most people conjure up an image of an ideal family.  A mother and father in a loving relationship, where they respect one another.  Born out of love are two or three children, who are nurtured, and given wings to take flight as productive members of society.  There is love and respect, but most importantly, it is a unit from a bond that they share.  It is not only a bond from blood and biology, but also a cohesive unit that can be seen as concentric circles of connected individuals.  

What happens when you picture that ideal family and compare your family, if you have one, to this image?  What do you see?  Maybe you didn't have a father.  He left when you were so small that you only have little snippets of images of him in your mind pushing you on a swing at three.  Perhaps your father was an alcoholic and physically abusive or molested you.  Maybe your mother raised you by herself and paraded men around you with no respect for your feelings.  You could have nothing to compare it to at all, and be left alone, an orphan.  Many of us try to compare our experiences to this ideal and our true experiences fall short of this image.  

    My family looked like that ideal family from the outside.  My father was a wealthy, well-respected man in the community.  Behind closed doors, it was a different story.  My father was the alcoholic, bipolar, abusive man that chose to stick around.  I might have been better if he had left, when I was three.  However without this experience, I would not be the person I am today.  His actions, his abuse to me, to my mother and ultimately to himself shaped me into the strong woman I am. His abuse took many forms.  He was physically, and verbally abusive to my mother.  He attempted suicide several times.  He played mind fu*k games with my head and made sure that I felt like a nobody.  My brothers were worshiped and nurtured to become business icons.   This was our secret, because we needed to portray that ideal family.

    As I grew into a young woman, I initially chose men that were just like my father.  I was on a mission to save the world, one drunk or addict at a time.  Sad and codependent, I know, but it was what I knew.  In my 20's I made a decision.   I could be a product of my childhood or I could make something of myself in spite of my circumstances.  I have made a conscious effort to empower myself again and allow myself to have the dignity that I was denied as a child.  

    We grow up thinking that there is a norm that we need to adhere to in respect to family.  My parents have now passed, my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and if I did not redefine my perception and definition of family, I would be an orphan.  Out of necessity, I have learned that I can find family in friends.  The relationships that I have developed provide that cohesiveness and respect more so than my original family.  After all, family is a unit of connected individuals respecting and supporting one another.  Do you really have to be bound by your genetics?