Something - pt 6

Sometimes life drops a good thing in your lap and you don't know what to do with it. 

I guess these things happen.  Especially when "they" and I don't mean me....told you so. 

Something you should know.  My shelf life is 4 years.  I am kept for about 4 years before I get released back into the wild.  Usually I am ok with this......usually.

Polo and Bellota.  Bellota and Polo.  Polo who made Bellota the personification of Bellota. 

Bellota who made herself the personification of La Tonta.  Polo who followed suit.

We were good together and we were happy.  My favorite Beatles song at the time was Something.  My father's band played that one a lot and it made me thing of my dad.  Polo's favorite Beatles song was Something.  It reminded me of him....and I thought it was kinda crazy cool because he had no idea what the words meant.  His second favorite was In My Life.  I love and hate that song.  I love it for no other reason that I love it.  And I hated it because it sounded like a warning, a prediction, an inevitabilty.....and I was happy and I didn't want regret any longer.

He begged me to marry him.  I kept saying no.  I don't believe in getting married anymore.  It means nothing to me.  It is the government saying, ok I sanction this.  And it makes things messy and it hurts very badly when things go wrong.

No...no...no....no  for four years.  And I always ask myself....did I do this.  Did I seal my fate?  I don't know.

But then something happened to him.  He got hurt.  He had to go to the hospital.  He had no insurance.  And I was insured completely.  I felt bad.  And I thought and thought.  If it means nothing.....then getting married means nothing.  I still love him, he loves me nothing will change.  He will be happier.  I won't be happier or sadder I will be the same.

On a May Day I went to watch a Tides Baseball game.  I said to myself ok.......if this guy hits a homerun I will say yes......and wouldn't you know.  I figured the odds would save me.  But they hit a home run with loaded bases.  I would spit on marriage but I would not spit on fate in a game where they spit on everything.  I saw the signs but I missed the bigger sign I guess. 

So I call Polo.....he is at work.  Do you want to marry me?

No answer.  and then WHEN?  Let me ask my boss if I can get off work.  (another missed sign)

We met at city hall.  We got married.  We had a BIG party.  Hilario was there.  hee. 

And then everything changed.

He would not touch me.  Oh my God.  What the hell.  Something is not right.  Did I mention he used to be in seminary before he met me and wore the white robes and everything in Mexico?  He told me we could not do what we did before because it was a sin.  OOOOOOKay.  But I loved him.  So despite that it sucked for me.......as a Catholic I have been taught that suffering is good.....and I was St. Bellota Virginata of the 5 cold and lonely nights.  All for you.

Then we went to buy a car. and Something happened again.  Polo is totally nervous.  Heck, I am nervous too.....but he is sweating.  Credit Guy comes out and says to him Mr. "Formal Name which is almost less believable that the real name"  you don't look 54 years old.  At first I am like "WHAT is this fool talking about?"  Then I look at Polo......and he is apologizing profusely.....I am sorry Mami, I am sorry.  And I am still not getting it.  He grabs my arm, we leave, and he is still apologizing for what I do not know.  Something is bothering me.  And the question I did not know to ask appeared on my lips.  What did he mean?  What is he talking about?  Why are you freaking out?

You aren't who you say you are, are you.   And for the first time I feel something I have never felt before.  Anger.  Fear.  Upsetment. 

And he says.....you know I love you because I stayed with you for four years and I never left you.    You know I love you because you asked me to marry you.  You know I love you and this is not what it seems.  I almost feel like vomitting again right now just remembering this. 

And I left.  Because how could I know what was true anymore.  But I left for a month only.  I came back.  And he cried again.  And I cried again. Only this time I knew why.  Because I knew I couldn't leave him.  He cried because I left him.  And he cried for Something else.

During this time, his brother and his wife were living with us.  When I came back my sister in law was always hanging around me like never before.   Asking me questions.  Saying really after such a deception I should leave him.  It was as if she knew something.

My brother in law told me.  And he told me good.  You never should have left him.  He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep.  You are his wife and you abandoned him.  This is your fault.  I felt worse and worse.  Something felt wrong.

And a month later somethings became clear.  Week 2 of being gone.....something came and took my place for one night.  And from there the dream was over. 

I would have forgiven him.

He would not forgive himself.

She was my sister in laws best friend.

Somethings became clearer.

Leaving my husband was something she would never do.

And leaving my husband was something I began to regret.

I am not going to take you to the days that followed because there is nothing pretty to report.  We all acted badly.  We together broke it apart.  4 months after getting married.  4 years of being together and we were finished.  He was with her.  And I was alone.  And In my life I loved him more.  I wanted to die.  I cannot lie.  I wanted to die.  But it is a sin to kill yourself.  So If I died without inflicting injury it would be ok.  So I stopped.  I stopped living.  I was functioning but not living.  And he would come back and stay......and I would live again.  But then he would leave when she threw a fit and my door and outside of my window.  And I would die a little more.

ok.  I will continue.  But as you guys see I am still living so don't worry.  Remember this is like a whole lot of years ago.