This piece is quite different from my usual style. I think that it's mind expanding to attempt different forms of story telling.
"It's that wimp, Ajay. Since when does he go to a disco? Oh boy, I saw him at the last school dance. He was hopeless. One thing I know for sure is that when he goes onto that disco floor, not one girl will dance with him."
At this stage, Suraj did not yet know that what he was about to see would change his life forever. As he stared at Ajay from his hiding place, he saw him remove a small parcel from his pocket and begin to unwrap it. The revealed object seemed to glow in the dark with a faint light.
To his amazement, he saw Ajay raise the object to the level of his nose and then enjoy its aroma and then bite by bite, consume the whole shiny orb.
After that he rose and began to flex his arms.
Suraj could not believe what he was seeing. That once wimpish young man seemed to have grown physically in size right before his eyes. Then, to Suraj's further disbelief, he began to do a remarkable set of expert warm up dance steps on the lawn.
Suraj continued to watch spellbound as he saw Ajay turn to look at the lively scene in the dance hall and then, like a warrior of old, square his shoulders and then with his head held high, stride majestically into the disco.
Yes, Suraj was about to witness a miracle. He would see the most clumsy and inept person that he had ever known, suddenly blossom into Chatsworth's great dance sensation. He would see this "fool" suddenly become an instant teenage idol and would also see him capture the hearts of dozens of young girls.
His cunning mind told him that Ajay had discovered a secret that he, Suraj, would desperately want to acquire for himself.
As Ajay walked through the door and onto the dance floor, the atmospere of the evening changed immediately. The attention of everyone was now drawn to the magnificent figure of Ajay strutting in. The evening was suddenly no longer the normal social occasion that it had been up till then. The scene had now begun to resemble a super glittering occasion and the arrival of a great Bollywood star.
There arose countless "oohs" and "aahs" from various quarters. Many girls began to shriek and clamour around Ajay in an effort to see and touch him.
With a great sense of drama, the DJ asked that the spotlight should fall on Ajay. He looked devastating as he literally glowed with vitality. With commanding gestures, he requested the youngsters to move away and leave an open space for him in the middle of the floor.
He turned towards the DJ and clicked the fingers of his right hand. The music maestro immediately understood the signal and began to play a lively popular number.
Suraj had in the meantime slunk closer to the window. He could not take his eyes of Ajay.
Ajay began to dance. He leapt through the air and before landing, completed a double turn. He kicked to the right and, while in the air, clicked his heels together. Then he did the same to the left. He leapt into the air and landed doing leg splits. In a semi-squatting position, he began to do a dozen or so rapid leg kicks like those highly trained Russian dancers can do. Then, while dancing backwards, he heard a voice behind him.
"Hello, handsome."
He whirled around. Yes, it was her.
"Simran, it's you?"
"Yes, handsome. Why don't you ask me to dance with you?"
"Simran, it's funny but tonight I don't mind you calling me handsome. I seem to feel that I am."
That evening, for about 25 minutes, the crowd at the Tropica saw a dance performance by two superb artists that not one of them would ever forget.
Roksa and Miki, Ajay's friends, did not dance. They could not. They felt compelled to stare in wonder at Ajay. Roksa held his partner tightly.
"Miki, we are seeing a miracle tonight."
After a while, Ajay suddenly stopped and grabbed Simran by her shoulders and whispered: "Simran, it's over. I'm beginning to see the stars."
Simran immediately took his arm and began to lead him towards the entrance. To a tumultuous cheering, the couple now running at full speed, reached Simran's car and soon afterwards, they drove off.
Everyone in the disco had been thrilled by the spectacular dance show. Many were discussing it animatedly even hours later. Well, not everyone. There was one most sinister exception. Suraj had seen Ajay eat the fruit. He had seen the incredible change in his physique. He had seen Ajay do unheard of dance steps.
Suraj had, however, also witnessed something else. Something that was making his brain work overtime. Suraj, while remaining in the shadows, had run out of the hall just behind the couple and had there witnessed another change in Ajay. Just before Ajay reached the car, he hesitated and for a moment it seemed that he could not continue.
Suraj saw how the dancing star had once again become the awkwardly stumbling young man that everyone knew and usually mocked.
Ajay had eaten a fruit, had changed into a heroic figure and then, after about an hour, had become the same old dreary Ajay again.
After that, Suraj went home but did not fall asleep immediately. In his mind, a thought recurred over and over again.
"It's obvious. Ajay must know where to get some kind of magic fruit. I want that fruit too. I'm going to follow him day and night until I find out where he gets it. Who does he think he is? Why shouldn't I have some of this fruit as well?"
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Comments: 35
You're right we all search for a bit of magic but perhaps its the search and not the finding that's really important.
Bollywood is the name of that great film industry in Mumbai where they make over 800 movies a year.
Ramoji Film World also in India is the largest film making site in the world. You can find everything there from Times Square to a Western saloon.
This sounded intriguing. I have only two suggestions.
1. The last line of the paragraph..'Suraj could not believe what he was seeing...' needs a break. It could be split into two sentences.
2. Why does Ajay confide in Simran ,' it's over? '
This sounds quite like the scenes out of Krishh and Koi Mil Gaya where the affable simpleton suddenly turns into a dancing sensation.
Please post the next part soon... I want to know what Suraj discovers.
These cities belong to a pre-Sumeriam age. In my story , a SA professor dives down and finds a sealed bottle. In the bottle is a seed. He plants the seed n a village in Natal SA and the tree grows.
It produces the magic fruit. Simran lives in this village.
Glad you liked the story.
In the same wat the film indusrty in Nigeria is called Nollywood. Hahaha...I think it's quite funny,
When you eat your first fruit or two, the effect lasts only for about an hour. Just before it's over, the person sees stars. They are his warning.
I think that my story is funnier than those two. At one stage an elephant eats the fruit. Watch out for that.
Now I have fallen off my chair...an elephant will eat that magic fruit..OMG....THE JUNGLES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!
Post it soon.
The spelling of the word "wimp"
The following sentence: "...this fool become an instant teenage idol and wouls also see him capture the hearts of dozens of young girls."
"Everyones' attention ..." (consider rewording)
"he had hesitated and for a moment it seemed that he could not continue..." (consider deleting "had")
Fred, this is a fine comic story with tremendous interest. It creates questions in the mind of the reader prompting him/her to read on and leaves us wanting more...
Well done!
Your editing points are very valid.You've no idea how much I appreciate feedback because I want to improve.
There's more to come. So please come again.
Thanks for the critique. Hell I hate writing cliche lines. Deeply sorry. Will track them down.
The last two sentences lead into the next part.
And like Amy, I was smitten by the turns of phrase, especially the turning point, "I'm beginning to see the stars". Lovely work.
You needn't wait long...it's coming in an houur.
Jumping right in with the action with no preamble worked well here, in my opinion(given that this is the first piece of a longer story). There'll be time later for us to learn about Ajay (and, possibly more interestingly, Suraj)!
I would maybe consider adding more to describe Simran...
Reminded me of "Koi mil gaya" - have you seen it?
Let's Have an Affair is still my favorite....(you killed me in that - email me)
That's why there are a few omissions here and there. I'm so sorry about that. Please bear with me.
The Magic Fruit Tree will become a Bollywood hit. I promise you but it will be a cartoon animation. We're already talking about it quite positively.
I've left out some parts unfortunately for my Gather submissions. Simran is someone very special but she's described in the book and not here. Humbly sorry.
I loved writing Let's Have an Affair. In fact it wrote itself. Please don't kill yourself.
I'll mail you.
2 things:
I suggest that you don't preface your story with the apologetic/fisherman introduction. It's almost as if you're asking for people's forgiveness where none is warranted. It drew attention to possible pitfalls, and I don't think that was your intention.
Also - In the first part of the story, you're using the word "object" a lot. It seems out of place. Just say what you mean. Hiding behind generic words like that can make readers lose interest. It's actually performing the opposite function I think you tried to employ here, which is mystery. But it doesn't make it mysterious - it just makes me wonder why you were choosing ambiguous language.
Hope that makes sense.
Set the scene up front. Thought he was in a disco then found he was on the lawn outside.
No paragraph break after "consume the whole shiny orb" or change "After that he" to "After that Ajay…."
"like a warrior of old" consider "like a warrior" (a little less stilted). Also, you might consider simplifying further: like a warrior, square his shoulders stride into the disco. (stride implies the confidence, as does warrior, and you can avoid too much "telling" as well as an adverb)
"Yes, Suraj was about to witness a miracle. He would see the most clumsy and inept person that he had ever known, suddenly blossom into Chatsworth's great dance sensation. He would see this "fool" suddenly become an instant teenage idol and would also see him capture the hearts of dozens of young girls."
Here, again, you can avoid telling; have Suraj rush to the window. The story explains the miracle quite adequately.
"His cunning mind told him that Ajay had discovered a secret that he, Suraj, would desperately want to acquire for himself." You make a similar concept the final statement in your story; consider omitting here.
Atmospereatmosphere
The paragraph beginning "As Ajay walked through the door" is a POV change and requires a line break, unless you bring Suraj to the window earlier and do the scene through his eyes.
Unnecessary if it Suraj is placed in front of the window earlier. Also, this structure makes for back-to-back POV changes on either side: "Suraj had in the meantime slunk closer to the window. He could not take his eyes of Ajay."
With a great sense of drama, the DJ asked that the spotlight should fall on Ajay. The DJ redirected the spotlight onto Ajay, who looked…
"With commanding gestures, he requested the youngsters to move away and leave an open space for him in the middle of the floor." You might just indicate the dancers cleared the floor without his having to do anything, in awe of his talent.
"In a semi-squatting position, he began to do a dozen or so rapid leg kicks like those highly trained Russian dancers can do." Consider simplifying: He squatted like a trained Russian dancer and did (fired off a dozen leg kicks.
Suggest: He whirled around. [omit: Yes, it was her.] "Simran, it's you?"
They [felt compelled to] just stare[d] in wonder at Ajay.
Line break before "Everyone in the disco" (POV change)
Suraj saw [how] the dancing star [had] once again become the awkward, stumbler everyone knew.
Would omit; just a rehash of the above: Ajay had eaten a fruit, had changed into a heroic figure and then, after about an hour, had become the same old dreary Ajay again.
After that, Suraj went home but [did not fall asleep immediately] couldn't sleep. A thought replayed over and over again. (Instead of the last paragraph you might consider something like "thoughts of the magic fruit and how to get some of it for himself kept him up all night.)
I'm so sorry that I'm responding so late. We've been having service provider and main power faults like never before.
Your critique is highly appreciated and very valid. I'm going to edit the piece within this week. I know that you're busy and so your time given to me is doubly valuable.
I'm going to print out all the comments received and attend to each point one by one.
This story comes from my book (unpublished) called the magic fruit tree. It was the first one I ever wrote...about 3 years ago. Recently there was a show of interest by a film company.
Written so long ago, it still has some of those horrible writing faults that I had back then...and which you so accurately spotted. Show don't tell...that's been drummed into my head a 1000 times since then.
Thanks again David
Yes, these are faults we all share earlier in the learning curve. My old drafts have, thankfully, been expunged, although they still exist if I ever (shudder) care to look at them.
If you can, I suggest posting the later drafts--then you won't get bogged down with the minutiae and the reviewer can focus solely on the story's flow and content.
Best of luck,
David