My Clandestine Affair....

I have always been in the closet about my Writing.  I was always selfish and secretive about it.  I didn’t want anyone to know that I had been writing since the tender age of eight years old.  Who would understand when I had no friends who wrote? 

Over time, I began to deny that my need to write existed.  Let me tell you my friends, I learned a valuable lesson!!!  I worked over forty hours a week, and every time I thought about Writing, I denied myself. One day, I realized that I no longer left Writing, IT left me!!!  I became sooo depressed over this matter, which I know you Artists out there can understand.  

I remember as a child my mother telling me, “It’s not like you are going to compete with the big time Writers.”   She didn’t understand, writing is a part of me.  I am a firm believer now, that some of us can not go through life without Writing, or Drawing, or Painting. I begged Writing to come back to me, and it just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. 

When I was a young girl, I would refuse to play outside with my friends for days at a time, due to my love affair with Writing. I lost friends, and I didn’t care.  In a desperate attempt to get writing to come back to me, I grieved and came up with this poem: 

Journal Entry: On WritingJune 26, 2006 Clandestine Affair 

Why do we have to fight this everyday?

Why am I always taken away from you?

Once I begin to feel your presence in my soul, I push you away, I let the world in…

I don’t understand why we have to be apart.  

You are the love of my life and I need youI need you to feel alive. Why do I have to deny you exist? 

It’s not always about the money my friend; I love you and always will.  

People… I have a hard time with people. People just want to use and abuse any talent a person has, and they will rake you over the coals, and take your soul if they can.   

The evidence shows itself, and I can’t continue to ignore the reality of the day to day life.   Artists go to work and others want to use you, and they think that I can’t see through their smiling faces.

And yet they know, everyone knows. I can’t afford to walk away, and meanwhile, they are draining me of my soul.

I am falling into an abyss of loneliness and despair. I see them wearing their egos and insecurity on their sleeves. I want to scream: 

“Don’t you know your insecurity is showing???!!!

“Why do I have to baby-sit your egos?"

They expect me to sit there and listen to all of their “great accomplishments.”When did that become my full-time job? I want to ask:

“Are you afraid?”

“Why do you feel you have to tell me this?” So now, what are WE  going to do? We will have to continue our Clandestine Affair.

 I will promise to meet you everyday, and we will not have the time. I will feel guilty, and you will threaten to leave me forever.

You will leave for awhile, and then somehow I will seduce you back to me.

Because, let’s face it…I need you!!!  

I debated greatly about sharing this one!!!  But, I think most of you can relate to this poem!!!