FREE "Stuff" - Absolutely FREE - What are you going to give me?

      Ahhhh, it's morning again...early morning...early Monday morning...Arrrrgh!  The start of a brand new week.  Don't you love it? 

      As I sit here drinking my coffee, I'm wishing I had a donut...or 12.  I soooooo love donuts...all kind of donuts.  I've never met a donut I didn't like!  But they don't like me and I can no longer pig out on them like I used to...gotta keep that waistline down so I don't have to butter my hips to get through the kitchen door.  Oh, I've been know to pick up a dozen while grocery shopping and kill half of them off in one sitting.  And that's not even the worst.  After a night of partying in the city, I'd pick up a box of assorted delights from "Drunken" Donuts and polish them all off by the time I got home...gave me something to do during that long drive - PLUS - I didn't have to stay up even later fixing something to eat once I got home, so I could go right to bed.

      I can remember a time not too long ago I used to get donuts for free...and lots of other "stuff", too.  Those good, old radio days sure had their perks.  And you don't know what you've got until that gravy train dries up.  Now, just so we don't have to get the Federal Communications Commission involved here, I'm not talking about payola.  For those of you who don't know what that's all about, payola is when someone; record company, promotional group, band management or the musicians themself; give you something in return for you playing their song on the air.  That "something" could be almost anything; depending on the artist and how big of a name they were.  It could be cash, cars, vacations, jewelry, drugs...almost whatever you wanted.  Of course, what you actually get depends on how big you are, too.  The aforementioned "gifts of thanks for your support" go to the big city personalities.  Where I was on the air, I would only have been offered a pizza, some beer or maybe a joint or two.  Can you tell how far removed from "the big time" I was?

      It's okay I wasn't being lavished with large, expensive items by the  music industry's top dogs.  I had "my people" here...and they took care of me quite well.  I opted for frequency over size and value.  It's the little things that counted most to me.  While you may be offered payola once or twice in your career; I got freebies almost daily!  Sometimes, I had to whine.  (I'm hungry.  I so wish I had something to eat, but I can't leave to get anything until my air shift is over.)  Sometimes, all I had to do was walk through someone's front door.  "Rob!  Welcome!  Come on right over here and have a seat.  What'll you have?  It's on the house."  Sometimes, I'd do a little wheeling and dealing of my own on the side.  (I tell you what.  You give me this...and I'll give you free plugs on my show next week...in a matter-of-factly way of mentioning the business and somehow working their name into conversations any way I could.)

      During my stint on the radio, I ultimately worked all the day parts; early mornings, mid-days, evenings and nights.  And what you could get varied according to the time of day you were on the air.  I mean, I wasn't going to get a steak dinner at six o'clock in the morning...and I wasn't going to get heavy metal concert tickets when I was co-hosting our ethnic specialty shows; back-to-back, hour long Italian, Irish, Polish and German programs.  But I knew what I could get when...and I milked it for all it was worth.  (And that's part of the reason I expanded so much in girth.  I mean, I'm 6'4" tall, but at one point, I had topped out at 425 pounds.  I'm proud to say, I've dropped my "twin" and am down to 170 pounds now.)

      I'd be on the air in the morning bantering with whomever my sidekick happened to be at the moment; my news person, a sales rep just popping in to the control room for a few moments, a listener calling in on the air.  All I had to do was say how nice it would be to have something to dunk in my coffee and within minutes, Dave from the local donut shop would send one of the guys over with a selection of a couple dozen of his most popular pastries.  Not to mention, Susie would drop a couple donuts off on her way to work and Granny Gooch would bring down a dozen fresh-baked cookies.  See how it works?

      Lunchtime would roll around and I was "running behind schedule" and didn't have a chance to grab a bit to eat before I came to work.  In less than half an hour, Paulo from the pizzeria down the street would send up a large pie with all the toppings he had.  Or Steve from the sub shop across the way would bring me two or three extra-stuffed hoagies.  Or Darlene from the deli on the other side of town would have delivered a couple huge salad and sandwich plates...and I'm talking potato and macaroni salad, beans, sandwiches piled high on huge slices of Italian bread, chips and more than likely, a couple generous slices of cheesecake with double strawberries. 

      Dinnertime was a little different; a bit tricky until you learned how to work it.  Timing was the important factor here.  Never beg during peak hours!  Chances are, your pleas are going to fall on deaf ears because everyone's so busy making and serving supper to their diners.  The key here is, either start whining an hour before the rush hour begins...or you'll have to wait another three hours for business to die down; and then, you're selection isn't as great because you're working with leftovers here and you're going to get what the customers didn't eat.  Sometimes, that can be scary, not to mention, since it's been sitting around for awhile now, it could be a little dried out or a touch overdone.  You'd get the usual response from the pizzerias, sub shops and deli...I just had that for lunch.  I'll eat it, but I was really in the mood for something else.  Occassionally, one of the regular restaurants would send a nice meal-to-go; chicken, chops, steak, seafood and all the side dishes.  Once in awhile, the "five star" restaurant from the hotel acrosss the street would send me over a real treat.  (Now, since we're a small town, it really wasn't a five star restaurant.  For here, it was more like 2 1/2 stars.)  Sometimes, one of the kitchen staff would make me up a plate and sneak it over.  I'd dine on prime rib, lobster, Seafood Newburgh; fares along those lines to pamper my palate.

      And there were all those things that came into all radio stations, especially the music!  I don't think I've purchased more than half a dozen releases in all the time I was there.  I have one very large personal library at home...and it was all stocked for free.  If you want me to play it, then I guess you'd better send it to me.  I have 45's, albums, cassettes, reel-to-reels and CD's like you would believe.  At one time, I had well over 10,000 compact discs alone.  (Sometimes, they'd send 20 copies of a release.  I'd put one in my library and store the other 19.  What am I going to do with them?  "$$$$$$"  I'd sell them.  Pure profit.  I had one guy who had an on-line CD business buy over $5,000.00 worth of my "free" music.)  We'd also get things at the station such as new games out on the market, books, magazines, tickets to area amusement parks and tickets, tickets, tickets to every local fair, festival, charitable fund-raiser and event and the like held anywhere around the region. 

      My perks didn't end there; not by a long shot.  The "celebrity" status didn't end once I was off the air.  Au contraire!  Now, it was just beginning.  I had taken care of my stomach, but there were so many more things I was showered with for free.  Harriet would invited me over to her hair salon so she could work on my mop.  "Oh, no.  You don't owe me a penny.  I ask you here so I could run my fingers through your long locks.  I was my pleasure!"  Irving at the ice cream stand would slip me a cone piled a foot high with their flavor-of-the-month.  "Now you make sure you tell everyone how rich and creamy this is."  At his farm stand, Frank would throw in a few extra tomatoes, maybe roll me a nice, ripe cantalope, give me a dozen ears of sweet corn and tell me not to worry about it.  "You've got good taste.  That's why you come to the best roadside farm stand around here." 

      And nights out on the town couldn't be beat.  Go to a restaurant for a special occassion and Rory, the owner, would make sure he stopped by my table to greet me.  "Rob, so nice to see you...and your lady friend.  What brings you here?  Ahhh, her birthday...how nice.  Garcon, when they're done, you bring me the bill.  You are not only my customers; you are my special guests."  A very impressive $100 present...and it didn't cost me a cent.  Happy birthday, honey!  Drop by the local lanes to roll a few balls and the bowling alley's owner, Bill, would put me and my party right on the center lanes so I'd be the center of attention...and so everyone else could see I chose his establishment to visit.  And when we were done and turning our shoes in, he'd tear the score sheet up and said he hoped we had fun and would come visit again sometime.  Stop in to a club for some cocktails and music and always get treated as a V.I.P.  There was no waiting in line.  I went straight to the front.  No admission charge, either.  Charlie, the club owner, had a standing order...my name was at the top of the guest list whenever I showed up.  And once inside, the drinks flowed freely...literally!  As many cocktails and shots as I wanted.  Whatever I ordered and my money was no good.  

      Sounds pretty good so far, doesn't it?  It's not over there, though.  I also had my own deals on the side that were "just between you and me".  I've got a concert coming up out of town I want to go to.  You have a limosene service.  I tell you what I'm gonna do.  You give me a free limo for the night and I'll mention your business on my metal show the next couple of weeks.  Lots of kids listening; proms and dances, parties, concerts out of town, graduation and the like.  It's worth your while.  You could get lots of extra bookings.  I'll take care of tipping your driver.  I'd take a collection up from the people who were going with me and slip the chauffeur $50.  A night out of town with music and friends - total cost to me - $0.  I got all the concert tickets for free, the limo ride for free and the tip came out of their pockets; not mine.  And speaking of concert tickets; hundreds upon hundreds were given to me to "give away on the air to my listeners".  I'd give some away, but if I had friends who wanted to go or a listener who was "willing to do anything" for tickets, I'd slide some to others pre-arranged on the side.  (I always got prime seating, backstage passes and V.I.P. treatment to any show I wanted to attend anyway.)  Allen from the auto repair shop would fix my car for free...for a plug on how's the best at plugging that hole in your radiator.  Jerry at the jewelry store would fix my watch for free...for a mention that he can keep your watch tickin' and your wallet won't take a lickin'.  Tom, the TV repair man, would put a new tube in my tube for free...for me telling everyone he's the one you can turn to for uninterrupted viewing pleasure. 

      And now that I've "retired" from radio, all my preferrencial treatment has gone by the wayside.  What I get for free now pales in comparison.  I get a free mint at Pizza Hut after spending $25 for a Pan Supreme.  While grocery shopping,  I get a free cracker with a chunk of cheese on it so small no self respecting mouse would ever risk going after if it were bait for a trap.  I get a cold for free every winter...people are more than happy to give you their germs.  I, occassionally, get a free lamp or articial floral arrangement...that I picked out of one of the neighbor's garbage.  (Hey, they're prefectly good...and if I don't take them, somebody else only will.)  I can get my taxes done for free...if I do them myself. 

      Oh, I miss those good old days when I was pampered and "my people" took good care of me, but those days are over.  Now, I have to pay for meals, pay for services, pay for entertainment, pay for everything.  Since I've thought about it, I'm starting to go through withdrawl again.  *Whining*...Does anybody have a spare cookie or two you can mail to me?