My Age Caught Up - Why I'm Such An Old Poop Now

      What the hell happened???  I really don't know.  I think I just woke up one morning a while back and - BAM - my youth was gone.  I arose and looked under the bed, thinking it might have fallen out overnight and F.N. Kat knocked it there.  I looked in the closet, but that's not what I found in there.  I searched the house, even the basement and attic, and couldn't find it.  I even went so far as to put "Missing" posters around the neighborhood.  I, nor anyone else, ever located it.  My poor youth was gone forever.

      It wasn't always like this; not for a long time.  For many, many years, I didn't even think about it.  Why would I?  I was young and vibrant and full of life and I knew I was going to be that way forever.  I paid it no mind and pretty much did everything and anything; whatever I wanted to do.  I went years without even giving it a second thought.  But as the days turned to nights, then back into days, "it" started catching up to me.  At first, I blew "it" off thinking "it" would go away.  But as those days turned into months and then into years, I began to realize "it" was gaining ground.  For every step I took, "it" took a step just a fraction longer in stride.  When I ran, "it" seemed to speed up just a little faster. 

      It wasn't long after that, I discovered what "it" was when I felt "it" breathing down my neck.  I felt it right smack dab behind me, so I turned to confront it.  Then I saw..."It" was (insert horrifying gasp here)...old age!  AAAAAAAAAAARGH!  What I just knew would never happen to me when I was young, and started to realize might be a possibility as the years added on, was here; a reality staring me straight in the face.  It had caught up to me, but I wasn't going down with a fight.  Oh, no...I wasn't giving up that easily.  This wasn't a game of tag and now I was "it".  I swerved and swayed and tried to dodge.  I darted one way and then the other.  I ducked and jumped and spun around to avoid it.  And let me tell you, even though old age had me in its sight, I managed to escape its grip for a good long time; a lot longer than many would be able to.  But one night when I was asleep, it sunk its claws into me and declared, "Gotcha!"

      Like I said, it wasn't always this way.  I had a good number of years enjoying my youth; raising hell partying...partying some more...partying A LOT!  I was a late bloomer and never discovered my youth until I was 15. I had a lot of lost time to make up for.  I didn't have a normal childhood; a story you can read when my autobiography comes out much later in life when I become really old.  There was so much I had missed out on and now, I had a whole new world in front of me to explore.  Becoming emmancipated at such a young age, I was a man now; my own boss; and had no one to answer to.  It was a struggle, but the fun of it all was stronger and helped me overcome any odds I ran up against. 

      Surprisingly, I stayed in school; something you would think would be the last thing on a 15 year old's mind when he found out he didn't have to go if he didn't want to.  What are the administrators going to do?  Send a letter home to me?  Call me in to discuss my own situation?  All I knew was I had fun in school; my only outlet all those years I was trapped at home.  It was the only enjoyment I had known all that while, so I wasn't about to give that up.

      Sure, I had to work, too.  I had to do whatever it took just to survive and somethings what I had to do wasn't all that savory.  I was a waiter, a pizza and sub shop manager, a janitor, even an outdoor laborer.  My big break came when I was 17.  I had been a volunteer public address announcer for the local Little League baseball games when I was "discovered".  The sports director for the local radio station heard me one day and offered me a position working as color commentator when he did play-by-play on area high school and college football and basketball broadcasts.  I had to audition for the station's general manager and he was so impressed by me doing it cold without even pre-reading the material; he offered me a full time job on the air right on the spot.  A "star" was born...and the real fun was just about to begin.

      I was the hometown boy and young, so I could relate to all age groups; the older listeners through my professionalism and the younger audience because of my age.  I addition to hosting various day parts playing adult contemporary and Top 40 music during the week, I also began a 5 hour hard rock/heavy metal show every Saturday night.  The kids around the area loved it and I became their "superstar".  That meant every time I walked into a bar or club; drinks were on the house...and I went out every single night.  I was constantly invited to private parties hosted by my listeners at their homes or other locations.  I had free tickets and backstage passes to every major concert that came to the three cities in our region, so I'd hang out with all the big names three nights in a row every time they came through this area on tour. 

      Of course, this meant I drank.  I drank a lot.  I drank way more than I should have.  I didn't drink because I had to drink.  I drank because I liked to drink.  And seeing how we're talking about life in the fast lane here, the drugs went hand in hand with the music and the booze.  I have to admit, I tried every drug there was at that time...and didn't like any of them; that is, except for pot.  I loved getting high even more than I liked drinking.  I would smoke and toke from the time I got up (good, old wake and bake) to the time I went to bed.  I would turn down alcohol for weed, though the two of them always seemed to go hand in hand.  My mind was constantly in an altered state every waking second of the day; even when I was on the air at work.  I'd go so far as to sit right there at the microphone and get stoned.  What else did I have to do when the music was playing or during commercial breaks?

      With my new-found fame as a radio star, and the popularity I had gained, I also started my own band management agency.  That meant even more partying!  I had, at points, up to a dozen bands I directed...and traveled around the state drinking and getting high.  This went on for years until the end of the millenium.  Then, the radio station was bought out by one of our competitors and taken off the air so they could absorb the listeners.  My career had come to an end.  Because of my notoriety and recognition (and reputation) at the station I had been on, I was blackballed.  They didn't want me on their station because to hear me, the audience would think of the old station I had worked for, and they wanted their own cause promoted.  So, I had to find other work.  I became...a bartender; the second most popular job behind being a radio personality in the party world. 

      I tended bar for a good three years...and kept right on drinking and smoking pot.  During that time, I met my best friend, Scott, who lived in a nearby city over 50 miles away.  That meant, not only did I party here where I lived, but I'd go to his city every night to party with him.  And I mean EVERY night!  I'd arrive mid-evening, nine...ten o'clock, and I wouldn't leave until the bars closed around 2:30AM...and drive back home.  I have to say in all that time, as I look skywards and express my thanks, I never got in trouble or got caught.  Eventually, I just moved to that city so I'd be right in the middle of all the partying and wouldn't miss a thing. 

      After living there a good year, it started to wear on me; not the partying, but where the partying was taking place...and with whom.  I wasn't really enjoying my surroundings all that much and I would actually stay home some nights.  When my best friend decided he wanted to start looking elsewhere in the country to relocate to and start a new life, I ended up moving back to my hometown area...and no one knew me any more.  I had only been gone a couple of years, but party boy Bob had turned into a more respectable Rob.  Even my apperance had totally changed.  I went from a long-hair, somewhat gothic looking heavy metal rocker to a short haired, more subdued "average"-looking man on the street.  I no longer stood out in a crowd like a sore thumb.  I blended in now and was no longer noticed.  I even had a good friend pass me by because she didn't recognize me the way I looked now.  (She would have bet the farm I never would have changed and would go to the grave looking like I used to.) 

      Not being used to a conservative lifestyle, this is yet another learning experience for me.  Describing my days now in my past couple of posts sure seems like I lead a very boring life compared to the way it was for so many years...and it is!  I just reached the point where it was time to grow up and prepare for life over the hill.  It was time to start settling down and get comfortable accepting old age, though I'm still fighting it tooth and nail and refuse to give up.  Oh, I can still party!  Don't you worry about that.  Like I said, I can give up the drinking and getting stoned any time...and I did.  I didn't "need" those substances...I liked them.  There's a big difference between use and abuse.  Where I used to be able to drink a whole bottle of scotch or vodka and smoke my brains out, now, it's just a couple cocktails or one, maybe two, bongs or hits from a bowl...and I no longer even mix the two.  It's one or the other.  And even then, I don't really get the opportunity anymore to indulge all that much. 

      Yes, I have to accept I'm evolving into an old man, but that doesn't mean it's over.  I'm not dead yet.  I still have lots of life left in me.  It's just a little slower going now.  Some of you know exactly what I mean.  You've been there...done that.  Others haven't reached that point yet and have this to look forward to in the future.  But I'm not going gracefully and without a fight.  Old age may have caught me, but the Grim Reaper isn't going to find me for a very long time.  Speaking of finding, it's time now for me to go find my Geritol/Metamucil/prune juice cocktail.  Cheers!