That's what she said to me the other day - my sister-in-law - the one who lives a 10 minute walk away from us, and who ~helped~ us take care of her mom. When, that is, she couldn't avoid it. And when it didn't interfere with her activities.... Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday & Friday's were all reserved for ...whatever... oh, and on the weekends, her hubby was off, so those weren't "convenient" either.... and on holidays, she needed to go see her grandchildren and... well, nuff said.
Or maybe not quite enough! I don't seem to be quite done! When I think of all the times I asked her to watch her mom so that I could - oh, I dunno - go to work.... or spend a bit of time with my kids.... or whatever.... and had to justify myself. Why do you have to ....? Etc, etc. She would do it... usually ... but always let me know that she didn't want to, didn't think she should have to, and resented my asking for ~extra~ time away for things like visiting my mom after her surgery (didn't my family know how much I had on my plate!? ), or to give a reading.
Worse yet, she's never figured out that in a small town things get back to people. So - she'd go off to bingo, or darts, or ...whatever.... and complains about how often she had to watch ma that week, what a strain it was, and even about how she didn't "like" the food I bought and how she had to bring her own. I never bothered to let her know that it was all coming back to me - didn't seem worth the aggravation.
In fact, I made a point of thanking her, each and every time when I got home - for watching her mother. Paid for meals out, back in the good old days when we could take ma out - and once gave her a gift certificate as a thank you after a particularly busy week. What a sucker I am, eh? But I - we - needed her. And besides, she just wouldn't ~get~ it anyway. Would have to hit her over the head with it, and that would have just been ugly. Occassionally hubby did lose it and say something - but any changes as a result were short-lived.
I could go on and on about how supportive she was not - but she did her best. It's just that her best was pretty darn limited. (Would it have killed her to call and ask how things were going or if there was anything we needed or.... ?)
ANYWAY.... so, the other day - Saturday. The day ma died.... all of my sisters-in-law? sister-in-laws? whichever -- show up, and they're heading off to the funeral home.
Hubby & I, we decided long ago that we were staying out of that whole gig. We took care of ma until the minute the doc showed up to do the paperwork - the girls could do whatever they wanted after that. Hubby buggered off...sanity break. I was here talking to the nonIdiot nurse; the one I like - the one who supported me. I wanted - needed to talk to her.
So when sisInLaw asked me to go to the funeral home with them, I said no thanks... was going to stay here. She asked a couple of times... was I sure? Uh, yeah. I feel bad leaving you here alone. Don't, I'm fine. Are you sure? Yes, really!
So I didn't go.
Now flash forward to Monday evening. Bunch of people here - a few friends, and sisInLaw and her hubby. She's telling them how the other two girls carried on at the funeral home.
"Gee, I'm sorry I missed it" I said.
And that is when she said "Well, I could have used some support!"
Family ....gotta love em!
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Comments: 18
You are one of the chosen - a person of unfailing love and devotion. You are a nurturer, a caregiver who really cares and does so because she knows it's the right thing to do. Not because someone tells her she should. You know what's right, you do it instinctively. And I'm proud to know you.
The others - the ones who pass those in need without ever 'getting it' - they are the ones who lose in the end. Because they've lost the ability to contribute in a meaningful way to someone else's life. They don't know the meaning of comfort, or the joy one can take from being a loving caregiver.
Blessings. And take care of yourself.
The NERVE! I check yours - and you're slacking, btw!
You can pick your friend, but with family, you gotta play the hand you are dealt.
Condolences to you and your husband on your loss.
One of the blessings now, is that you can ignore her.
Although my father doesn't live with me, I spend at least 4 days a week with him, driving him to dialysis, banking, grocery shopping, doing his banking, taking him for appointments, etc. etc. On the odd occasion when I need help, I have to call my brother and almost beg him for help. He seems to figure 'his' schedule is more important than taking his turn, or doing anything to help. I know it upsets me, but I've given up expecting help from him. Others have told me I should force him to do more, because my own health is an issue, but it's really not worth the aggravation. I do what I do, because I love my father and want to help him. If my brother chooses not to pitch in and help then that's his problem. One day he is the one that will regret it.
Hang in there, and take care.
Why didn't you say how about all the mondays and tuesday and wednesday and fridays and saturdays and Sundays you needed support.
She - that one of the 3 - really did do her best... it's just that her best doesn't stand up so well sometimes.