Many older men and women find themselves divorced and entering the dating scene, after failed marriages. This article addresses a question a middle aged woman asked me just recently. She wanted to know why younger men were attracted to older women and was it appropriate to date and settle down with a much younger man. She also went on to say that she could see the advantages to having a younger man as a spouse; especially since he would still be young enough to help when she became old and feeble.
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I think there are many reasons for this trend of young men dating and marrying older women. However, most of them are negative. I will touch upon four aspects: young men preying on lonely older women, the thought that an older woman could become a mentor, Hollywoodtrends, and finally sheer laziness. By the end of the article I will put forth my opinion on whether these relationships can work and provide an example through the life of a friend of mine.
In terms of why younger men are attracted to older women, these men in questions (not all men of course) like to pry on the vulnerable. There is a common notion that older women are “ripe for the picking” and “they are so old they will take love where ever they can get it.”
Another popular conception is that an older woman “is so good in the bedroom that she can become a young man’s mentor.” We must look at the context of this statement. These men can be as young as 18 years old and still in that juvenile sexual rush. Sexual exploration is a priority in their young lives, while intelligence and maturity take a back seat.
The idea of coupling with an older woman is tempting for a young man and is propagated largely by the media. We just have to take a look at the entertainment industry where older celebrities team up and marry younger men. The marriage of Aston Kutcher to Demi Moore has been sensationalized all over the media and Hollywoodglamour influences many a young mind.
Another trend that seems to occur either in the world of the rich and famous and has trickled down to common folk is the idea that an older woman would be a young man’s meal ticket. I know a club here in Montrealwhere young men hang out to meet and lavish their attention on wealthy older women. All these young hopefuls are expecting to be “a kept man” and see no problem with that concept. Similarly, I have had a few friends who fell into this trap and married younger men who had no intention of working or participating in the marriage in any tangible way.
Therefore I truly recommend for anyone entertaining going out with a much younger guy to beware of the wolves out there.
Having said all that I did that was negative; there are good relationships which come out of older women and younger men dating. I would be wrong to lead you to believe otherwise. So now I will turn my attention towards a serious relationship.
The first question to address, “is it wrong to entertain such a relationship?” I do not feel that any relationship, barring the most deviant of relationships (which is not the focus of this discussion), is wrong as long as there are two consenting adults. I base my opinion from a sociological stand point more than any other. Having said that, I feel such a couple would be going against society norms even though these norms are slowly changing. The bigger question to me is who is to say the norms were correct in the first place; just because they were always that way? Society changes as people’s point of view change. I suspect in about 50 years it would be considered normal behavior following that more and more people will indulge in these relationships.
To the lady who first asked this question and for everyone else as well is, “are you marrying for the right reasons?”
I used to believe that age is a factor. I did not see how May/December relationships could possibly work out. I succumbed to the myth that these relationships would always, I repeat always break up because there was no common ground between the partners and therefore no real marriage.
I have changed my opinion now that I have looked closer at some of these relationships. I feel that older women younger men relationships are no different from those sharing same age partners. Two people must be suited for each other regardless of age. Furthermore, one must marry for the right reasons or it simply will not work out.
If the only reason older woman marry younger men is to take care of them in their old age, the logic is flawed. If couples have nothing in common, chances are the relationship will end in divorce long before the women get to their senior years.
One of my friends is married to a man who is 12 years younger that she is. It is a very good marriage as they are both suited for each other. She is young at heart and he is older in spirit than his years. She has gone through some medical problems and he has been there for her throughout her ordeal. But the difference is they love each other and for them, what society thinks about their relationship is not important. They have each other, and a daughter they conceived together and for them that is all that counts.
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Comments: 86
The whole issue is an interesting one. May - December relationships are a dirty little secret no matter which one is May.
biologically it makes sense for men to go for younger women when they wish to have more children however since these is not the case most of the time one wonders why indeed ..
i have never been attracted to younger or older men however having been married to a man my age i think that there has to be more to a relationship than common world history
i say remain open, but be aware of sponges
then again the gold diggers seem to be women most of the time, why not give men a chance to be in the humilating role for a while..
a friend of mine has a boyfriend about 20 years younger, since he is financially stable and sweet i see no problem, he is in his 40's , she a beautiful 60, why not?
personally i look at young men but leave them alone, like chocolates, i prefer a good main course, a well balanced man with experience
I divorced because I was too worried about others than what I had, albeit I was only 24 when I divorced and will never make that mistake again.
Hi! My name is Juan Valdez....I'm from Colombia and...
I see nothing wrong with such relationships. I think there *could* be problems in the later years, perhaps when a partner loses interest because the older one has lost the zest to keep up with the younger.
I think of younger men like beautiful race horse. I love to look at them, and touch them but it doesn't mean I need to ride them. Sometimes the fantasy of what if is far better then the "is that all there is?"
In too many cases, I see younger men living with older women for economic stability - I'm thinking of a friend who is living with a musician ten years younger than she is...she's 57...in another case, I knew one man who talked an older woman into putting a down payment on a house and then put it in his name only - she lost about $70,000 and ended up with a broken heart...I am sure age doesn't have anything to do with true love...I love older men, younger men - I love them all...oh yea my 85 year old cousin just got married again (5th time)- I thought maybe she found a younger man - but no - he's 90! so you never know! Salud.
thanks for your comments
and rod stewart's maggie may
It is funny when the younger man gets older...we woman get older too, but there is a time when it evens out, and then "passes out"...ha ha.
My husband's Grandmother after her frist husband died. Married a man 16 years her junior! She is now 82 years old, she lost Randy 2 years ago to death.She married Randy when she was 52 years old. Is your point you believe that no older women, can ever make it with a younger man. Oh, and Randy worked as a Counselor for the Health Department Substance Abuse Program. And Granny stayed at home, all of her kid's were grown and gone.
There is a large difference, but we seldom see it. I just came to a point in my life where I figured out what I wanted and needed from a relationship and he was it. For example, I didn't want kids, but most men my age do. I just couldn't see being involved with someone that was honestly willing to give that up. I thought that it would always be an issue. My BF has been there, done that. He has three, 18 to 38, and I enjoy hearing about them and as soon as the divorce is final, I look foward to meeting them.
The age difference of 23, yes 23 years, seldom comes up. When it does, it is more comedy than anything hurtful. When having dinner with my parents recently, my dad got a great laugh out of asking him about his retirement plans.
So go for it, both sexes!
Nothing is perfect, I have learned that....and I'm sad to say that I'd probably get a little anxious these days if it seemed "perfect"! I thought I HAD "perfect" this last marriage, and being blind-sided sent me very, very close to the deep end. However, it DID bring out those who were truly my FRIENDS. For that, I am grateful and will never take them for granted.
I have to laugh because the guy I've been seeing is 'younger'...a whopping 3 years - which is NOTHING in my book. He, however, keeps worrying about (himself) getting 'old'. When I bring up my age his answer is always, "Yeah, but you're really a lot younger than 50 - look at me, I have grey hair!" Silly man. (Smart man!) Anyway, point is that we are on the Same Page for the most part. Our kids are all born and grown, we don't have the issues about wondering if WE should have offspring. I couldn't - in all good faith - date or marry a man who still had visions of children/more children, and a MUCH younger man certainly has every right to still want that option in a relationship. It simply wouldn't be fair to him or me - and ultimately I'd be OUT when a younger, agreeable model walked by. I need some ground that I feel safe on.
So, I will regretfully continue to pass on the much younger man relationships. They make wonderful, funny, caring friends - but that's as far as it will go with me. It's flattering to know there is an attraction, but it's not fair to act on it - someone is going to get hurt. I'd rather keep the friendships, as those will never fade or be peppered with uncomfortable regrets.
My mother married a man twelve years younger thna she is. They're in LOVE, and it works!!! I married a man 35 years older than i am. Same thing; we're in LOVE and it works!!! So what?
People of the same age can marry for the wrong reasons too. People can meet in person, meet on line, get it right or get it wrong. I don't think it's the trend we have to worry about, it's the individuals involved.