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The Special Investigation Report Team at the Non News Network
New York
The Department of Health and Human Services announced today that Americans are no longer required to preserve indefinitely the "warning - do not remove under penalty of law" tags that are attached to their pillows.
This was good news to Adeline Fugglehorst, 78, of Flushing, Queens. "I never removed a single one, said Ms. Fugglehorst, and I never let Herman, my late husband, remove one either."
Ms. Fugglehorst continued to tell this Non-Correspondent that her fears of legal penalties resulted in her saving all discarded pillows in the garage of their modest home on 114th street. " I had to get rid of the car after that accident near the stadium, so it's all pillows out there now", she said.
Officials of the Department of Homeland Security protested the ruling, saying that the threat of pillow-borne nuclear devices had not yet been eliminated, and urged strict safeguards around unrestricted sales of pillows.
"These tags have served Americans well since World War II", said Department Secretary, Michael Chertoff, as he prepared to testify against the need for burdensome registration of unlicensed gun dealers. "It would be a horrible step toward national normalcy if we stopped promoting irrational hysteria at this time."
State Health Departments in Ohio, Iowa, New Mexico, Oregon, and Delaware issued state-wide advisories alerting pillow owners that the laws against selling used bedding and furnishings as "new" had not changed.
In Ohio, Wilbur Fuhrmeister, Secretary of Health and Rare Coins, told Non-Correspondent Wimsey that, "if your pillows are stained with anti-aging face creams, drool stains, or cat piss, they cannot be sold as new."
Secretary Fuhrmeister did acknowledge that the Department would no longer prosecute tag collectors who had been buying decayed and unusable pillows from which they detached the tags to add to their collections.
Mabel Mizzenmast, supervisor of "Second Coming Clothes", a thrift shop in Bugger Heights, OK, reports that she has been overwhelmed with discarded pillows since the new ruling on tags. "I think folks have been plum scared to let anyone know they had these pillows with not any tags,", she told our Non-Correspondent.
Pritchard Waterspout, who collects trash for the town of Wailing Wall, AR, said that he has seen many discarded tags since the ruling was announced on Friday. "I seen one of them Piggly-Wiggly bags chuck full of them torn-off tags", Waterspout noted. He added, "none never figgured out what them tags was for before".
Later Today: When Do You Put Up An Umbrella?
Copyright © 2007 Wimsey Productions
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Comments: 36
Joanne, I think a Consumer Non-Report is an excellent idea. I have to stop at a shop this afternoon, I will make a full report.
Mary, I love the hearty laughter -I am sure that that is comment enough.
The intnse labor seems easy when you're following a hot story like this.
And, writing the words "seems easy" reminds me that I haven't heard from Melissa or Geoffrey lately.
Haven't you been paralyzed with fear that the tags might be demanded some day?
And yes, I do forgive you. Are you going to write about your adventures in butt whatever, Appalachia?
You will have to look for help elsewhere.
Mark Foley will probably not be indicted -so he can go home again. Bob Ney IS in jail, so that room will be ready as soon as we can get the stench out of it.
What with the Isaiah guy from Scrubs, and the Seinfeld has-been still hanging around, Lindsay and Paris trying to rent rooms by the hour, we might be able to fit you in before the rush of War Profiteers start arriving as soon as the House hearings get underway.
Healing costs extra. What kind of insurance do you have?
It involves a lot of time with Geoffrey, and life lessons in rectitude, punctuation, and fortitude from Sandy "I am not a Prick".
I hope to get the umbrella unfurled soon, Maureen.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Personally, I sleep upon a mound of torn pillow tags.
I just noticed that you left a link to a very witty site about pillow tags.
Thanks for the solution to the problem of "where do we put the tags?"
We mail them away!
That feeling was strengthened by a life-long association of pillow tags and stern threats of vague legal punishment ("under penalty of law").
Now, you can be free of your crippling fear of pillow tags.
someone's been spying on my stuff though:
if your pillows are stained with anti-aging face creams, drool stains, or cat piss, they cannot be sold as new."
all of mine are - and once they get really bad I donate them to the cats anyway. Tags and all. Salud
I'm sure the cats appreciate them, Mariana.
Glad that you found this "old" article!
Was there any follow-up investigation on mattress tags?