We are twenty-four hours past the second night of American Idol post auditions and still have no report from Jake S., Gather's unofficial-but-widely-respected-and-anxiously-anticipated American Idol correspondent. His complete failure to provide the non-news of the season earns my nomination for least conscientious reporter ever.
Lacking his willpower and experience with nothing (for those who don't know, Jake DID invent nothing, and wrote about plagiarizing nothing on May 31, 2006, the same day that Lorraine--the girl with nothing in her head--joined Gather, and spoke these brilliant words, "Nothing is not a concept that can be hoarded like pennies in a jar. Nothing is so important that it must be nurtured and allowed to grow regardless of blatant plagiarism."), I am unable to control this urge to report about the nothingness I felt for most of the twenty-four contestants who made it through this week.
So, without making much of this, I will forfeit any chance I might have had to become the least conscientious reporter, and cover this non-news for Jake. In keeping with the theme, I will list each of the twenty-four and tell you what each does NOT have.
Alaina Alexander - as much talent as she has looks
Amy Krebs - acne
A J Tabaldo - a name he wants to use
Blake Lewis - inhibitions
Antonella Barba - Simon's respect
Gina Glocksen - a last name I would want
Brandon Rogers - a bad voice
Chris Richardson - talent
Haley Scarnato - grip on life
Jordin Sparks - fear of admitting she owns country music
Chris Sligh - a bad sense of humor, or a good dietician
Jared Cotter - an eyebrow artist
Lakisha Jones - a mirror
Leslie Hunt - anything I will criticize
Nicholas Pedro - anything I remember
Paul Kim - shoes
Melinda Doolittle - a neck
Nicole Tranquillo - my respect (because of this quote: "Paula Abdul because she is such a talented and beautiful person on the inside and out."
Phil Stacey - no hair
Rudy Cardenas - enough hair
Sabrina Sloan - nice hair
Stephanie Edwards - good taste in music
Sanjaya Malakar - crooked teeth, a male voice, his sister with him,
Sundance Head - a shot in hell
This week only, Jake.
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Other non-news from this non-reporter:
Breaking News: Responses Received
Glad I Am Not Writing News-worthy Plays Like Naomi Wallace Does
Never Before Has So Much NOT Happened At One Location
Unshocking Non-news From A Non-reporter
News Flash: We’re Living Lighter But Not Brighter
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Comments: 26
still working on raising funds and have 4 takers I think and 3 potential bidders who are out of pocket. Don't you think it is highly unethical to accept filthy lucre from someone out of pocket? and why haven't you gone back to choose your frames and make bids on them-- just about anythng is accepted so long as you do it through paypal-- but if you'e out of pocket, strongly prohibited
but in the non-news section tonight of writing news, I know someone who broke the slicks tonight.
and really hats off to the anonymous cat that did it. :)
(I realize the other characters were getting old, but surely you could do better than this.)
What happened to the ice you were reporting on? I suppose I have to go back to that article and find out any updates before Gather goes down for the count.
Until Jake comes back.
However, Sandy, this is brilliant as usual, so I am going to have to feature this in the group. Again.
I doubt Myke is a he and would guess she is stalking me for the same reason Amber does.
I like mike e's new Gatherword and think we should add that to the dictionary with foch and martycle.
Jackie, thank you for believing I can serve as a place-holder for Jake. I am honored.
People really watch that stuff? Wow!
Non-tens across the nonsense board 4u.
I'm thinking that if something *doesn't* happen, that's technically a non-event, so I'm safe to mention it here without disrupting the Non-Correspondents' Non-News Code.
Anyway, here's what I hope will be a visible comment.
I just posted 3 times before it showed up (my previous comment, that is)
non di mentica...means don't you wreck the car, my darling (Dean Martin, from the "Dean Martin Show)
Erik, many people watch this show. I think it is one of the (if not the) most watched shows on television. It's the only one I won't miss.
I posted a number of comments the other day that never did show up. I checked to see if I was using the invisible font, and I wasn't. Must be another "glitch".